[UC] My New Year's Resolutions

[Benseraglio2]

1. Each day when I sit down to do my e-mail I will beam happy joyous thoughts to each and every person on the list   2. I will not refer to other members of the list as body parts, organs, orifices, or prosthetic devices   3. I will not talk about d-gs.   4. When I write an e-mail, I will maintain a calm, diginified attitude and reread my post three times before sending, checking for and deleting anything that might strike ANYONE on this list as nasty IN ANY WAY   5. I will check my post carefully for spelling errors, grammatical mistakes and lousy style. I will correct all mistakes before hitting the send button, and if I am not capable with the help of my computer's spell and grammar checkers of doing this, I will hire a qualified assistant to edit my posts.   6. I will discuss only matters of University City concern as they impinge on our charming and elegant neighborhood's property values, tax structure, business climate, and real estate market.   7. I will not discuss spurious and extraneous matters such as roosters, squirrels in the attic, six-legged bathtubs, rabid ferrets, weird-looking punk chicks with multiple piercings, Senegalese restaurants (UNLESS approved by the appropriate neighborhood association), speculate on the sex lives of gay, straight, lesbian, transgendered, transmogrified or cloned human beings, speculate on the body parts of the ELECTED LEADERS of the various neighborhood associations or VOLUNTEERS, or the culinary habits of our good friends the Negroes   8. I will not disrepect in word or deed the fine Lutheran, Catholic, Episcopalian, Muslim, Mennonite, Wiccan, Masonic, Atheist, Jain, Buddhist, African Methodist Episcopal, Hindu, Seventh-Day Adventist, Latter Day Saints, Jehovah's Witnesses, Deist, Agnostic, Free-Will Baptist, Snake-Handler, Pentecostal, Holy Ghost Roller, or Honky-Tonk Women individuals of our community or their places of worship or debauchery. Especially I will make no disrepectful reference to the cults which sacrifice human beings in Clark Park at the time of the full moon and chew broken bottles.   9. I will cast no aspersions on the University City District, University of Pennsylvania or any of its employees, including the President or any of her body parts, Spruce Hill Community Association, University City Village Old Ladies Sewing Circle and Gentrification Club or other duly constituted authorities.   10. I cross my heart and hope to die if I transgress any of these Resolutions and if because of the Work of the Devil I happen to do so I will immediately present myself to the elected officers of any of the aforementioned Community Associations for a GOOD SPANKING but without the oral sex   Resolved this day January 1, 2004     Ross Bender http://rossbender.org