Dear Lewis and Mel, While I was sittin' here waitin' for my next trash tickets, I asked myself: How can I better serve the business plan of the Trustees from Penn and Drexel?
Always ready to serve, I thought up this marketing letter for the Saudi royal families. Now that University City High School has been stolen from the people of Philadelphia maybe we can get some decent rich people to move in! Dear royal and wealthy families, Campus Apts., the corporate universities and the UCD would like you to come to Penntown and buy a luxury upscale condominium from us. You will pay almost no taxes for 10 years since we have arranged for the people of Philadelphia to pay for your magnificence. But there is more good news! We tricked the low life scum of Philadelphia out of a special school designed exclusively for your wealthy children. We told them that we were dedicated to the community and public education! Ha Ha Ha We will force the unwealthy Philadelphians to pay for the renovations for this school and we will force them to tighten their belts and give us more resources currently being wasted on their unwealthy offspring. We make fun of them all the time. They look like baby birds with their mouths wide open waiting for us to toss out some fool's gold. For your amusement, you can periodically toss something shiny between them and watch their civic association leaders club the others from behind and swallow it whole. All city departments of Penntown like the Dept. of Recreation, Dept of trash tickets, the historic commission , and elected officials serve the Trustees of our corporate universities. If you want anybody harassed or removed from your newly upscaled district all you need to do is give Lewis, Barry or Mel a call. We have a whole bag of tricks to harass and remove scum from our upscale district. We have them all under surveillance and if the trash tickets don't get them; we're preparing a BID, an historic district, and other methods to get rid of all unwealthy. We are working on our long-term visions too. We want to ban taxes for superior wealthy families like yours and maximize welfare for the wealthy. There is no need for the scum of Philadelphia to selfishly use resources that could be reserved for superior families like yours. Those selfish somnolent NIMBY's complain about paying more taxes to subsidize your luxury! Like, why do the idiots think taxes are collected? We've reserved an extended stay suite for your comfort at our lovely, 35-story, new hotel at 40th and Pine. You will be completely surrounded during your visit in the bosom of corporate housing. Eventually we will control the entire area to 50th St where a security wall will be built along the frontier. At the hotel, you won't even need to go to the trash shoot or separate recyclables. Just throw it out on the street the way we do. Remember, the trash police serve us! If you want probationers to set up a moon bounce for your entertainment, we'll phone in some trash violations and start rounding up the Philadelphians. If you want some entertainment (wink-wink), we'll get Kristen down from New York to meet you on the dance floor. We're looking forward to welcoming your wealth and your superior family to our funky upscale paradise. Death to democracy! Much love, The trustees of Corporate (Lewis and Mel, make sure that Tom and Craig Caragooly add any more juicy visions still hidden from the prying NIMBY's. Maybe, we should mention that we are hell bent to destroy all citizen rights. Your call.)
