Posted by Eugene Volokh:
Follow-Up on Gays and "What a Waste":
Reader Kieran Jadiker-Smith writes:
I am a gay man, and, on a few occasions, I've gotten the "what a
waste" remark from straight women. I haven't found this offensive;
generally it's said in a playful, joking manner, and is not meant
all that seriously. I suppose if someone said it with wide-eyed
seriousness, I would be a bit annoyed, but I've never encountered
it in that context. For the record, I do find the idea of my having
sex with women quite disgusting. But somehow, when someone makes a
joke like this, I don't feel compelled to conjure up some graphic
and explicit image of heterosexual sex. I take it simply as someone
saying, in a humorous way, that she finds me attractive. It's
possible to rationalize indignance at any kidding involving issues
of identity, but I don't think it helps in a society where we
increasingly expect people who are different from one another to
get along and even be friendly with one another. I should also
mention, at this point, that I am 20 years old and grew up in two
highly diverse, cosmopolitan urban areas (Vancouver, BC and San
Francisco) and my friends have always been a mix of races,
religions, backgrounds, and, starting in high school, sexual
orientations. In general -- even in oh-so-PC San Francisco -- I've
found that people prefer being able to joke about these issues a
little bit rather than walk on eggshells, afraid to say anything
about them lest they give offense. I came out of the closet when I
was 15, and I think the ability to joke about it -- up to a point,
anyway -- helped ease tensions as friends and acquaintances (some
of whom had never had a gay friend before)! adjusted to the idea.
This whole discussion -- perhaps because it's that time of year --
reminds me of an item you ran some time ago about whether Jewish
people might take offense at being wished a merry Christmas. I,
too, am Jewish. But, like you, I've chosen -- sensibly, I think --
to interpret "Merry Christmas" as something other than an act of
hostility or a subtle suggestion that I should convert to
Christianity. I very much doubt than many people -- Christian or
otherwise -- intend it as such. I simply accept it as I think it's
offered -- as a wish for a happy holiday season, even if I'm not
celebrating the holiday to which they specifically refer. So, too,
do I accept "what a waste" as it's intended -- a lighthearted,
joking compliment. I know this world is full of people who come
pre-offended, but I don't think they -- or people who cater to them
-- are really advancing the causes of respect, friendship, comity,
civility, or tolerance. For all the same reasons, I don't see a
reason in the world straight men shouldn't adopt the same attitude
if they hear the same thing from a gay man. The interpretation of
context shouldn't be impaired by one's sexual orientation.
Well put, and I wish more people had this attitude. At the same time,
since the purpose of "what a waste" seems to be a compliment, its
users should realize that at least with some listeners -- though not
Mr. Jadiker-Smith -- it may not be a very effective compliment.
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