Subject: Maybe a snicker? >>>>> Author: Vicki Law at DTT.US.BOSTON.SUMMER.STREET >>>>> Date: 09/30/98 05:07 PM >>>>> >>>>> >>>>> >>>>> >>>>> >>>>> >>>>> > These are taken from REAL resumes and cover letters and were printed in >>>>> > the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine >>>>> > >>>>> > 1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience." >>>>> > 2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms." >>>>> > >>>>> > 3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year." >>>>> > 4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions." >>>>> > 5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave." >>>>> > 6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades." >>>>> > 7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people." >>>>> > 8. "Let's meet , so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience." >>>>> > 9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time." >>>>> > 10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details." >>>>> > 11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move." >>>>> > 12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No >>>>> > commitments. >>>>> > 13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse." >>>>> > 14 "I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to >>>>> respond >>>>> > to my resume on my office voice mail." >>>>> > 15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and >>>>> > absolutely nothing." >>>>> > 16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training >>>>> in >>>>> > meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." >>>>> > 17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant." >>>>> > 18. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far." >>>>> > 19. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments." >>>>> > 20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain >>>>> store." >>>>> > 21. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have >>>>> > never quit a job." >>>>> > 22. "Marital status: often. Children: various." >>>>> > 23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get >>>>> to >>>>> > work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions." >>>>> > 24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous >>>>> > employers. >>>>> > 25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten." >>>>> > 26. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me." >>>>> > >>>>> > These quotes were taken from actual performance evaluations. >>>>> > >>>>> > 1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has >>>>> > started to dig." >>>>> > 2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid >>>>> curiosity." >>>>> > 3. "I would not allow this employee to breed." >>>>> > 4. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a >>>>> > definitely won't be." >>>>> > 5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat >>>>> in >>>>> > a trap." >>>>> > 6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change >>>>> > whichever foot was previously in there." >>>>> > 7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." >>>>> > 8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." >>>>> > 9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to >>>>> achieve >>>>> > them." >>>>> > 10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." >>>>> > 11. "This employee should go far-& the sooner he starts, the better." >>>>> > >>>>> > These are actual lines from Military Performance Appraisals or OERS >>>>> > (OFFICER EFFICIENCY REPORTS). >>>>> > >>>>> > 1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. >>>>> > 2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. >>>>> > 3. A room temperature IQ. >>>>> > 4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all >>>>> > together. >>>>> > 5. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. >>>>> > 6. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. >>>>> > 7. A prime candidate for natural deselection. >>>>> > 8. Bright as Alaska in December. >>>>> > 9. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests. >>>>> > 10. Donated his body to science before he was done using it. >>>>> > 11. Fell out of the family tree. >>>>> > 12. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't >coming. >>>>> >>>>> > 13. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it >>>>> > 14. He's so dense, light bends around him. >>>>> > 15. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate. >>>>> > 16. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. >>>>> > 17. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change. >>>>> > 18. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. >>>>> > 19. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm. >>>>> > 20. One neuron short of a synapse. >>>>> > 21. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled. >>>>> > 22. Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes. >>>>> > 23. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead. >>>>> > ____________________________________________________________________ -------------------------------------------------------------------- Join The Web Consultants Association : Register on our web site Now Web Consultants Web Site : http://just4u.com/webconsultants If you lose the instructions All subscription/unsubscribing can be done directly from our website for all our lists. ---------------------------------------------------------------------
