"Rod Blagojevich was arrested for trying to sell a seat in the Senate to the
highest bidder. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. And folks, if convicted, he could
wind up in prison, where his seat will be sold to the highest bidder."
--Conan O'Brien

"Joe the plumber is back in the news today. Joe the plumber, even though he
spent several weeks on a bus campaigning with John McCain, he told Glenn
Beck last night that he felt 'dirty' after discussing the issues with him. I
don't know how to tell you this, Joe, but of course you felt dirty. You work
in other people's toilets." --Jimmy Kimmel

"And I love this story. Congress wants to appoint a government car czar to
oversee the auto companies. Today, President Bush said, 'Car czar? Isn't he
the president of Afghanistan?'" --Jay Leno

"We're not kidding about this economy, which is so bad that Illinois
Governor Rod Blagojevich had to mark down the price of a Senate seat 40%."
--David Letterman

"Don't you love watching congressmen lecture auto executives on how to run
their business? I mean, you got people that put us a trillion dollars in
debt lecturing people who put us a billion dollars in debt." --Jay Leno

"Here's a great story, because we had some trouble with our governor a
couple of months ago, Governor Spitzer. Well, now, the governor of Illinois,
Rod Blagojevich, has been arrested. He wanted $150,000 to name somebody to
replace senator Barack Obama as the senator from Illinois. Isn't that crazy?
Yeah. One count of bribery, also one count of fraud, and also one count of
blagojeviching." --David Letterman

"And earlier today, President-elect Obama and Vice President-elect Biden met
with Al Gore in Chicago to discuss energy and climate change issues. Obama,
Gore and Biden. So, you have the greatest speaker of our lifetime, the most
boring speaker of our lifetime and the guy who speaks non-stop for our
entire lifetime. All together in one room." --Jay Leno

"Everybody in Detroit right now is hoping for a bailout for the auto
industry. All of Detroit's consumed with this. And true story, it was in the
news, this Sunday. In Detroit, a church put an SUV on stage in order to pray
for a miracle for the Big Three automakers. And apparently, there was a
miracle. Someone bought the SUV. At factory price." --Conan O'Brien

"We're gonna be doing a new show in the fall. We'll start at 10pm, right
after the last hour of the 'Today' show. See, the way they're going to
schedule, it's gonna be all talk. Oh, man. Well, as you may have heard,
there were rumblings that I was leaving NBC and going to ABC. Let me tell
you something, those were nothing but rumors started by a disgruntled
employee ... me." --Jay Leno

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