When Barack Obama takes the oath of president, he'll begin working with
the oldest congress ever assembled. Makes you wonder how many times the
Obama girls are going to be told to get off the White House lawn over the
next four years?"
- Tim Hunter, wackyweek.com
--------------------
"The White House staff made preparations Thursday for Barack Obama and his
wife and little girls to move into the residence. How amazing. It'll be
the first time Americans have ever watched a black family grow up on
television without a laugh track."
- Argus Hamilton
--------------------
Coming or Going?
http://picayune.uclick.com/comics/cwkal/2009/cwkal090111.gif
--------------------
"Officials in charge of the Washington, D.C. Metro system are worried
about the huge crowds expected to jam stations and public restrooms on
inauguration day. Luckily, all the New Yorkers coming to the event already
know how to pee on the subway platform."
- Jake Novak
--------------------
OBAMA REFUSES TO ANSWER QUESTIONS ABOUT SIZE OF HIS PACKAGE
'A Personal Matter,' Says President-elect
At a press conference in Washington today, President-elect Barack Obama
repeatedly refused to answer questions about the size of his package,
calling the subject "a personal matter."
Again and again, reporters attempted to get Mr. Obama to tell them exactly
how big his package was, but the President-elect was steadfast in his
refusal to quantify it.
"If I tell you the size of my package, some of you will think that it
sounds too small, " he said. "And others will be uncomfortable with how
big it is."
The President-elect seemed to indicate, however, that the size of his
package may vary according to the circumstances.
"Depending on what is going on, my package could grow significantly
larger," he said. "It all comes down to the amount of stimulus."
The President-elect apologized for his vagueness about his package,
telling reporters, "I know you're having a hard time getting your arms
around it."
Mr. Obama's Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel, later indicated that the
President-elect does plan on unveiling his package for the American
people, probably at his inauguration.
"This will give the American people an opportunity to finally grasp his
package," Mr. Emanuel said.
© Andy Borowitz
borowitzreport.com
--------------------
Obama Strikes A New Tone
http://thehill.com/images/stories/weyants/2009/January/cartoon010809.jpg
--------------------
"President-elect Obama's choice for Secretary of Commerce, Bill
Richardson, has withdrawn his nomination. He's now going to be a special
envoy to pending investigations."
- Tim Hunter, wackyweek.com
--------------------
"Vice President-elect Joe Biden is already getting acquainted with his new
responsibility as Vice President. And he's starting every afternoon at
3:00. He picks up Sasha and Malia from school."
- David Letterman
--------------------
Fighting Dragons
http://picayune.uclick.com/comics/wpnan/2009/wpnan090109.gif
--------------------
Barack Obama has reportedly asked CNN health correspondent Sanjay Gupta to
be Surgeon General. Apparently someone at Fox News will be considered for
a position if there is ever a cabinet spot for "Minister of Propaganda".
- Jim Barach
--------------------
"Before we begin, I want to apologize to our audience. We had to turn away
almost 100 people tonight. Yeah. Seems they all got their seats from
Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich."
- Jay Leno
--------------------
"Alaska Governor Sarah Palin says the media is going easy on Caroline
Kennedy because of her social status. Although in Alaska, Sarah Palin is
considered one of the social elite because she lives in a house that
doesn't have wheels."
- Jim Barach
--------------------
Sarah Palin? Wasn't she a recurring character on Saturday Night Live for
awhile?
--------------------
"I've been interested to see how Caroline Kennedy will be handled and if
she will be handled with kid gloves or if she will be under such a
microscope. It's going to be interesting to see how that plays out and I
think that as we watch that we will perhaps be able to prove that there is
a class issue here also that was such a factor in the scrutiny of my
candidacy versus, say, the scrutiny of what her candidacy may be."
- Gov. Sarah Palin [R-AK]
in John Ziegler's documentary film "How Obama Got Elected"
--------------------
CAUTION:
LISTENING TO SARAH PALIN'S VOICE MAY CURDLE YOUR URINE
--------------------
Let's see.... Palin says the media goes easy on Caroline Kennedy because
she's not a former beauty queen with no experience, a pregnant teenage
daughter, and meth addicted in-laws.... does that about cover it?
Well, how about this:
Caroline Kennedy isn't in the running to be the backup to the oldest -- if
he'd been elected -- "the world's most powerful man"; I'm not sure how
many people would have to die before the possible junior senator from NY
became President, but I'm pretty sure it's more than the one (very old)
man that was between Palin and that office.
--------------------
Being the Junior Senator from New York is kind of like being the Governor
of Alaska.... except you have actual responsibilities!
--------------------
Wow.... Sarah Palin whines about her treatment by the press, after her FEW
interactions showed her to be quite the buffoon; then Ann Coulter whines
about being cancelled off NBC's TODAY Show (who used her slot to get
former British PM Tony Blair on re: Gaza/Israel) where she was to promote
her new book, "Guilty: Liberal Victims and Their Assault on America"....
Liberal Victims? LIBERAL VICTIMS?!?!?
[THUD!.... sound of jaw hitting keyboard....]
Am I the only one who sees the irony here?
--------------------
If Ann Coulter gets any shriller, only dogs will be able to hear her....
--------------------
For a group that clings to "personal responsibility," Republicans
certainly do have a persecution complex....
--------------------
"Those who stand for nothing fall for anything."
- Alexander Hamilton
--------------------
"Fox News analyst Karl Rove claimed Thursday that he and President Bush
have an annual contest over who reads the most books. Yeah, right. This is
a president who once refused to join the Book of the Month Club because it
doesn't have a golf course."
- Argus Hamilton
--------------------
"You know, President Bush keeps giving interviews about his eight years as
President. Earlier this week, he said his greatest accomplishment was his
effort to privatize Social Security, even though he never actually did it
That's President Bush, isn't it? Your greatest accomplishment? Well, there
aren't any. But if there were, by golly, here's what it would be."
- Jay Leno
--------------------
I Can't Wait!
http://picayune.uclick.com/comics/tmssa/2009/tmssa090109.gif
--------------------
"I'd like to thank the "little people". Without their votes and tax
revenues, I wouldn't have been able to reach this pinnacle of success!"
- George W Bu$h, accepting his Nobel Piece Prize
--------------------
President Bush's dad, former President George Herbert Walker Bush, says
he'd like to see his other son, Jeb, become president some day. OK, that's
one vote.
- Tim Hunter, wackyweek.com
--------------------
"The White House announced Friday the U.S. jobless rate reached its
highest point since President Bush's father left office sixteen years ago
And we still have Jeb to worry about. Americans now understand why the
Russians shot the Czar's children."
- Argus Hamilton
--------------------
"President Bush invited Obama and all the living ex-presidents for lunch.
It was quite uncomfortable when President Bush refused to sit at the kids'
table."
- Pedro Bartes
--------------------
"President-elect Barack Obama and all four living U.S. Presidents met for
lunch at the White House the other day. Of course, with the current
economic conditions, it was separate checks, of course."
- Tim Hunter, wackyweek.com
--------------------
Get Used To It....
http://picayune.uclick.com/comics/crmth/2009/crmth090108.gif
--------------------
"Being president-elect is kind of awkward because Barack Obama didn't have
any experiences or accomplishments to talk about as president. So, at
least he and President Bush had something in common."
- Jay Leno
--------------------
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE PRESIDENTS' LUNCH
from The Late Show with David Letterman
© CBS Broadcasting Inc.
10. Sorry, you're not on the list, Mr. Gore.
9. If Hillary calls, I've been here since Monday.
8. Laura! More Mountain Dew!
7. You guys wanna see, 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'?
6. Call the nurse -- George swallowed a napkin ring!
5. Hey Barack, wanna go with us to Cabo in March? Oh that's right, you
have to work!
4. Kissey kissey.
3. Obama? I think he's downstairs smoking a butt.
2. Did you ever see a monkey sneezing?
1. I hope Clinton's unbuckling his belt because he's full.
--------------------
Glad I'm Not Him
http://picayune.uclick.com/comics/crmra/2009/crmra090109.gif
--------------------
"The last time all of the living ex-presidents gathered at the White House
was back in 1981 when Reagan was president. That was the time Nixon got up
after lunch and the silverware fell out of his sleeves."
- Tim Hunter, wackyweek.com
--------------------
"Marvel Comics just announced that President-elect Obama is going to be
featured in an upcoming edition of 'Spider-Man.' When he heard about it,
President Bush said, 'Okay, now I'm jealous. He gets to meet Spidey.'"
- Conan O'Brien
--------------------
"Bank of America CEO Kenneth Lewis says he will skip a bonus for 2008 and
that other CEOs should follow suit. Other CEOs are comparing Lewis to the
jerk who asks the teacher if there is any homework assignment when school
is letting out."
- Jim Barach
--------------------
Made in the USA
http://us.cnn.com/POLITICS/analysis/toons/2009/01/09/mitchell/
--------------------
"Officials are still figuring out the damage in the Bernie Madoff Ponzi
scheme. Whereas I lost a lot of money in the lesser known Potsie scheme:
my money was stolen by a dork in a 50's diner."
- Alex Kaseberg
--------------------
"Dick Cheney says President Bush is not to blame for the financial crisis
because no one saw it coming. Of course, no one in the Bush Administration
saw the 9/11 attacks, Katrina or the Iraqi insurgency coming, either."
- Jim Barach
--------------------
"I think he's trying to struggle to come up with some accomplishments.
They're trying to make him look good, you know. Like today, he took credit
for ending the drought in New Orleans."
- Jay Leno
--------------------
"Citigroup and Morgan Stanley are talking about merging their wealth
management businesses. Two of the major players in the financial meltdown
merging together. What could possibly go wrong there?"
- Jim Barach
--------------------
That's Odd....
http://picayune.uclick.com/comics/wpswi/2009/wpswi090110.gif
--------------------
Notes to Self:
Things to do Today...
1. Hide package received from Bernie Madoff
- Jerry Perisho
--------------------
Dick Cheney categorized himself as "warm and lovable" on a radio
interview. He also said that Richard Nixon was extremely "huggable" and
that Bernard Madoff is a "hoot".
- Jim Barach
--------------------
"Dick Cheney told reporters Friday that he's planning to write a book
about his eight years in office. He's spent the last five years listening
to everybody's phone calls and reading everybody's e-mails and now he's
writing a book. If you don't want to be in it, make your check payable to
the Dick Cheney Vice Presidential Library Foundation."
- Argus Hamilton
--------------------
After he leaves office, Vice President Dick Cheney is going on a
"listening tour." He's going to meet the American people and say, "Now
listen..."
- Sid Knowles
--------------------
Greeting Cards
http://picayune.uclick.com/comics/crmlu/2009/crmlu090110.gif
--------------------
"Laura Bush unveiled the new White House china on Wednesday. She told
reporters she bought the dinnerware because of breakage. This explains why
President Bush was able to dodge those two shoes in Baghdad so
effortlessly, years and years of practice."
- Argus Hamilton
--------------------
"Joe the Plumber is now a war correspondent for Pajamas Media. Is that a
news story or a mad lib?"
- Jon Stewart, "The Daily Show"
--------------------
"Remember Joe the plumber? A conservative website is sending Joe the
plumber to Gaza as their war correspondent. Because who better to explain
the complex issues surrounding a war that's been going on for forty years
than an unlicensed plumber?"
- Jimmy Kimmel
--------------------
"The United States Army announced that they will accept overweight
recruits. So now when a soldier is AWOL, it means he's At Wendy's Ordering
Lunch."
- David Letterman
--------------------
"The Dallas Cowboys... found a cheap way to demolish and level their old
facility. They are going to hire President Bush to bring democracy to the
stadium."
- Argus Hamilton
--------------------
Can't Understand Why....
http://picayune.uclick.com/comics/tt/2009/tt090112.gif
--------------------
"Dick Cheney says that President Bush doesn't need to pardon anyone
involved with CIA interrogation tactics because nothing illegal was done.
He says he knows because he personally waterboarded everyone just to make
sure."
- Jim Barach
--------------------
"No man can take part in the torture of a human being without having his
own moral nature permanently lowered."
- President Theodore Roosevelt
***************
Don't Worry....
http://thehill.com/images/stories/weyants/2009/January/cartoon010909.jpg
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