Published on The Smirking Chimp (http://www.smirkingchimp.com)
Mama weer all crazee now
By Ed Naha
Created Apr 16 2009 - 10:34am
My fellow patriots, it's time to make a stand! Obama is coming to take away our
guns! If not our guns, our tweezers, forcing us all to have unruly nose hair
like the French! Definitely, he wants our dental floss. I saw that on Fox. And
his Fascist-Socialist-Communist-Herbalist-Contortionist ways are going to
destroy our middle class by creating jobs and not raising taxes!
Remember: "No taxation without representation." Okay, technically, we have
representation but it's, uh, not good. And the tax rate for 95 percent of us is
going down, but it's still a tax. Just remember: nobody can take away our right
to protest all this bad stuff that we hate because, uh, it's not the good stuff
that we like which is, um, patriotic and the other stuff is, hmmm, some sort of
"istic" and it will take away our right to protest stuff and own bazookas.
Hell! This crap makes Glenn Beck cry!!! What more do you need, you heartless
bastards!
Welcome to America 2009, boys and girls, where March Madness has given way to
April Insanity which, no doubt, will be overshadowed by May Moronism and, then,
June Jerk-offery.
Seeking to gain some traction in a country wherein the President has approval
numbers ranging from the high sixties to the low seventies, wild-eyed
conservative politicos, panderers and pundits are doing their best to paint
Obama and his administration as the worst thing to happen to this country since
Hitler took over. Wait, that happened in Germany. Oh, no matter. Logic has
never been a strong point with these retro-rebels without a clue.
Let's have Ann Coulter sum it up. "This is a total government takeover, and Big
Brother coming in and taking our guns and schools and doctors."
And, if your doctor packs heat and also teaches kindergarten, you're REALLY
screwed.
Since the election of Barack Obama and the massive repudiation of Republican
malarkey last November, the paranoid right has been scrambling to hang any and
all problems on the new president. Everything that is wrong, all the terrible
stuff the voices in your head warn you about, is Obama's fault.
At a time when America is teetering near financial ruin, we ALL find ourselves
frightened. We're ALL nervous. We're ALL in search of something to hold onto,
an anchor that will keep us in place as turbulent times swirl around us.
However, there's a big difference between searching for an anchor and wearing
an albatross. There's also a big difference between patriotism and a panic
attack.
In one of this week's douche bag, I mean, tea bag parties one sign, in
particular, summed up both the intellect and the relevancy of the uber-right
fringe society: "Stand by while some Kenyan tries to destroy America? Wap!! I
don't think so!!! Homey don't play dat!!!"
On the plus side, it was neatly printed.
It would be nice to think that, in these troubled times, Republican leaders,
both in office and on the airwaves, would make an attempt to assuage the fears
of the perpetually petrified anti-everything crowd, to let them know that, if
we all pull together as citizens, we can overcome any obstacle. It would also
be nice to think that all humans are capable of thought. Survey says: NO!
All societies have their share of ignoramuses, people who shy away from things
like facts, history and reason. In America, playing to these fools has become
an evergreen cottage industry - one that holds the Republican Party together.
Ignoring (totally) what President George W. Bush (who?) did to destroy this
nation, Republicans and their mouthpieces (mouth breathers?) have taken to
tossing bogeymen hither and yon, determined to scare the already stunned
populace into blind rage.
Circus Geek Glenn Beck, for instance, recently poured a can of "phony" gasoline
on a guest, ranting, "We didn't vote to lose the republic! We voted for change!
- President Obama, why don't you just set us on fire?"
He later groused, "By the way, I just want -- I just want to show you, kids,
(this is) water, not gasoline. I was -- I was actually told by our legal
department, 'Glenn, you can't just do that, you've got to' -- I said, yeah,
this is why our country is so screwed up if I got to actually say, that wasn't
really gasoline, kids. Don't do that at home, that would be really, really bad."
Glenn, not only do you have to explain that to kids, you have to explain that
to your core adult audience. We ain't talkin' Mensa, here.
It's easy to single out self-proclaimed "rodeo clown" Beck ("Am I the only one
that - those darn things make me crazy?") as the biggest idiot out there, but
he's not. There's like a 100 person tie for that honor, ranging from Sean
Hannity to Texas Governor Rick "Haircut" Perry. Feel threatened by some unseen
forces? They'll tell you exactly how Obama is behind it
Fox's Hannity has declared "The Federal government - and I don't think I
overstate this for our audience - is destroying our economic system as we
currently know it."
Beck foresees that Obama "will slowly but surely take away your gun or take
away your ability to shoot a gun, carry a gun. He will make them more
expensive. He'll tax them out of existence. He will because he has said he
would. He will tax your gun or take your gun away one way or another."
Naturally, Obama has never said that but that's what tinfoil hats are for..to
channel possible communications from alternate realities.
Beck is also on the record with, "(Obama) is also closing Gitmo and letting the
terrorists onto the streets."
(Note to self: Hide the womenfolk behind the guns in the basement.)
Everyone's favorite con man G. Gordon Liddy has warned nervous gun owners, "The
first thing you do is, no matter what law they pass, do not - repeat - not -
ever register any of your firearms.... Because that's where they get the list
of where to go first to confiscate. So, you don't ever register a firearm,
anywhere."
Of course, the above advice amounts to breaking the law. Fortunately, breaking
the law is a topic that Liddy is an expert on.
Newt Gingrich, currently available to scare the crap out of you at birthdays,
weddings and bar mitzvahs, warns that Obama is moving us "towards a political
dictatorship."
Radio raver Michael Savage has revealed, "Obama has a plan to force children
into a paramilitary domestic army. It was exposed yesterday on
'WorldNetDaily.'" Uh-huh. And this army will bivouac at Area 51.
Bill O'Reilly, the voice of reason, ruminated, "Some conservative pundits
actually believe the President is a star chamber guy, a man who secretly wants
to turn America into a progressive country modeled on Western Europe. Also,
they think he wants to lessen the power of America and sign up for a one-world
combine of governance. In the past, that kind of thinking was labeled loony,
BUT THAT'S CHANGING."
Um, not really Bill.
Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele, who personifies the
Black American experience in a way not seen since the days of Al Jolson, is
trying to raise money for the RNC by warning loyal tools that "the Obama
administration is partnering with the liberal activist organization ACORN to
rig the upcoming census...We must not let the Democrats and their radical
leftist allies falsify the U.S. Census and manipulate elections in their favor.
Our democracy, and the principle of 'One Person, One Vote' are in jeopardy."
Exactly how? Uh, that's not clear, but if a census taker shows up at your door?
Beat the hell out of him or her. That'll learn 'em.
(Oh, yeah. Steele also doesn't think there's a recession going on.)
Texas Governor Rick (Alberto VO5) Perry has warned that if Texans get any more
Fed up, they may secede from the union. (Here's hoping their secession is a
success.)
Remarkably unpopular North Carolina Republic Senator Richard Burr suggested
that all sane people make a run on the banks, withdrawing their money and
wreaking havoc, saying that he advised his wife to withdraw as much as she
could daily over the Easter weekend from the local ATM because he was convinced
"that if you put a plastic card in an ATM machine the last thing you were going
to get was cash."
Since it was Easter weekend, one can understand Burr's expectation of getting
yummy handfuls of Peeps instead of greenbacks.
Among the wondrous flecks of froth being flung by the far right are: Obama
wants to replace the dollar with World Wampum. Obama was raised by Marxists.
Obama wants not only to destroy the Catholic Church, but ALL churches. (C'mon,
if pedophile priests couldn't knock the Catholic Church down a notch, nothing
can.) Obama and his wife are "white trash in the White House" (which shows that
we've finally gotten past racism). Obama has created FEMA concentration camps
(or maybe that was Lemur concentration camps, Beck was slurring that night).
Obama is slashing the defense budget, although he's actually increasing it.
Obama's existence will lead to more terrorist attacks on our soil. And his dog
is faggy.
Now, a lot of this buffoonery can be chalked up to the Republicans suddenly
finding themselves on the outs with the majority of Americans. As Jon Stewart
pointed out last week, "Now, you're in the minority. It's supposed to taste
like a shit taco."
He also pointed out "When the guy who you disagree with gets elected, he's
probably going to do things you disagree with."
As easy as it is to laugh at all this nonsense, let's play a word game. Here's
how the Miriam Webster Dictionary defines "sedition." "Incitement of resistance
to or insurrection against lawful authority."
Here's Minnesota Republican Rep. Michele Bachman defining it. "I want people in
Minnesota armed and dangerous on the issue of the energy tax because we need to
fight back! Thomas Jefferson told us 'having a revolution every now and then is
a good thing...'"
Here's Sean Hannity's take. "If the government takes too much money and
nationalizes everything, I'm telling you, there are gonna be dire consequences,
because we're gonna - just like if it was a terror attack against America,
Americans will get hurt."
Glenn Beck, after stating, "The government is full of vampires, and they are
trying to suck the lifeblood out of the economy," suggested that viewers "drive
a stake through the heart of the bloodsuckers."
After the G-20 Summit, Fox contributor Dick Morris opined, "Those crazies in
Montana who say, 'We're going to kill ATF agents because the U.N.'s going to
take over' - well, they're beginning to have a case."
It's one thing to preach to the choir. It's another thing to incite the already
addled.
Two weeks ago, Richard Poplawski shot and killed three cops responding to a
domestic disturbance call because, according to "The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette,"
he was "convinced the nation was secretly controlled by a cabal that would
eradicate freedom of speech, take away his guns and use the military to enslave
the citizenry."
One of the guns Poplawski used was an AK-47. I'm guessing he didn't buy it to
hunt squirrels.
Last year, at the height of the "liberals are out to get us" Republican
presidential fandango, a man named Jim Adkisson walked into the Tennessee
Valley Unitarian Universalist Church in Knoxville with a sawed-off 12-guage and
killed two people, wounding several more. The only thing that stopped his
shooting spree was his being tackled by churchgoers. The reason for his attack?
According to a four-page letter he left at his house, he hated liberals and
targeted that congregation because of their liberal policies. He also
encouraged everyone to do something for their country "before you go. Go Kill
Liberals."
This concept didn't come out of thin air. It came from hot air.
Which, in a roundabout way, bring us to this week's collection of scrotum
suckers, I mean, tea baggers. Allegedly a genuine grassroots reaction to the
recent stimulus package, the Tea Party effort was promoted, organized, funded
and merchandized by several large, corporate-funded conservative outfits
including Freedom Works (run by former House majority leader Dick Armey) and
Americans for Prosperity. It was publicized 24/7 by Fox News in a way that
would make Monster Truck Rally advertisers proud. Showing the true spontaneity
of the movement, the domain name "ChicagoTeaParty.com" was registered eight
months ago, when Bush was still president.
This AstroTurf event was patterned after The Boston Tea Party because,
naturally, it had nothing to do with it on any level. The original Boston Tea
Party (with its "no taxation without representation" slogan) was the result of
not only a populist revolt against British taxes but also a move by American
merchants who were worried they'd lose money when the British actually lowered
the tax on tea.
When the British decided to lower the tax on U.K. tea, the colonial merchants,
who'd been smuggling in European tea and selling it at a modest price, feared
Britain's new low, low prices would mean financial ruin. So, the inventory of
tea from the British East India Company was dumped overboard in the Boston
Harbor to end the competition.
Twisting and romanticizing history a tad, the nouveau patriots, proudly calling
themselves "tea baggers," (only being informed of the snarky sexual slang
meaning the morning of the protests) said they were part of a new movement to
save the Constitution from, um, whatever.
This week's Tea Parties drew millions, uh, hundreds of thous...tens of
thousands of patriotic Americans who were anti-SOMETHING.
The signs offered such incisive slogans as "Take Back America! Throw Out the
Liberals," "Obama = Hitler," "Freeloading Illegals Are Raping U.S. Tax Payers,"
"The American taxpayers are the Jews for Obama's Ovens," Sieg Heil Herr Obama,"
"Why do you hate white collar workers," "Cut Taxes, not defense," "Obama
Socialist Pig," "Speak for yourself Obama. We Are A Christian Nation," "We Need
A Christian President" and that old anti-tax classic, "Stop Murdering Babies."
Two rally snapshots stood out from the crowd. One pictured a young lad holding
a sign "Higher taxes stole my trip to Disney." Apparently the kid makes over a
quarter of a million a year and is a necropheliac. Another photo showed a
perturbed blonde woman wielding the message: "For the first time in my life, I
am ashamed of my country." So, unlike Terri Schiavo, this woman successfully
emerged from her brain-dead coma...sort of.
The Tea Baggers were so pleased by the media coverage of their national events
that they've vowed another round of protests against (place your pet peeve
here) for July 4th. Rumor has it that, next time, the Tea Baggers will also
invite the Corn Holers to join in - just to spice up the news footage.
In summing up the new and lofty political movements afoot in this country, I'll
quote one of our esteemed new political faces, Joe the Plumber who, tea bagging
in Lansing, Michigan, intoned, "I'm just regurgitating."
Spoken like a true nouveau patriot. No taxation without regurgitation.
GOP wins: "Mandate! Elections have consequences!"
GOP loses: "Tyranny! Fascism! Revolution! Secession!"
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