Dead Table Sketch
The cast:
MR. PRALINE
John Cleese
SHOP OWNER
Michael Palin
The sketch:
A customer enters a web development shop.
Mr. Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
Mr. Praline: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
Mr. Praline: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Owner: We're closin' for lunch.
Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about
this table what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very
boutique.
Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's
wrong with it?
Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's
dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead table when I see one,
and I'm looking at one right now.
Owner: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable
table, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful background!
Mr. Praline: The background don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
Mr. Praline: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!
(shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Valid Table! I've got a lovely
fresh border for you if you
show...
(owner hits the cage)
Owner: There, he moved!
Mr. Praline: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
Owner: I never!!
Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!
Owner: I never, never did anything...
Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO
POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine
o'clock alarm call!
(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the
counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Mr. Praline: Now that's what I call a dead table.
Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?
Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up!
Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.
Mr. Praline: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely
'ad enough of this. That table is definitely deceased, and when I
purchased it not 'alf an hour
ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to
it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged rendering.
Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for Netscape 3.5.
Mr. Praline: PININ' for Netscape 3.5?!?!?!? What kind of talk
is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im
home?
Owner: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back!
Remarkable construct, id'nit, squire? Lovely background!
Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that table
when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been
sitting on the left margin in the
first place was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed
that table down, it would have nuzzled up to those links, bent 'em
apart with its beak, and
VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Mr. Praline: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this table wouldn't "voom" if you
put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
Owner: No no! 'E's pining!
Mr. Praline: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This tabe is no
more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker!
'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e
rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the page 'e'd be
pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's
off the twig! 'E's kicked the
bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain
and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-TABLE!!
(pause)
Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick
peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the
back of the shop, and uh,
we're right out of Tables.
Mr. Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Owner: I got a list.
(pause)
Mr. Praline: Pray, does it talk?
Owner: Nnnnot really.
Mr. Praline: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Owner: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
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