For Anthony (or anyone who likes a good Asian joke):
U KNOW YOUR ORIENTAL IF... 1. your mother has a short-haired, curly perm 2. your dad is some sort of engineer 3. your parents still tried to get you into places half-pricesaying you were 12 when you were really 15 4. you ask your parents help on one math problem and 2 hours later they're still lecturing 5. you have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantry 6. you shop 99 Ranch 7. everyone thinks you're "Chinese" no matter what part of Asiayour ancestors were from 8. you've had a bowl haircut at one point in your life. 9. your parents enjoy comparing you to their friends' kids. 10. you've had to sit through karaoke videos with scantily clad,ugly Asian women attempting to dance and walk around a temple,forest or library. 11. your parents say, "Don't forget your heritage." 12. you drive mostly Japanese cars. 13. you've learned to keep bargaining even if the prices are rock bottom. 14. you've had to eat parts of animals they don't even put in hot dogs. 15. at least once, you've started a joke with "Confucius say . .. " 16. you know what bok choy is 17. you've ever gotten little red envelopes around February. 18. piles of shoes tend to make it hard to open the front, backand closet doors. 19. you hear (your name + eee (optional) + yah!) every timesomeone calls you. (e.g., Ming- ee - yah! or Mary - yah!). 20. you have NO eyelashes. 21. idiot people try to impress you with pathetic imitation Asian languages, like the ever-so-popular: ching chong woo bok chi, ming ping pang pong, etc . . . 22. your parents say leaving rice in your bowl is a sin. 23. the Bio lectures on marine life (seaweed, sea cucumbers,octopii) was last night's dinner 24. your ancestors 1000 generations back invented the backscratcher. 25. at least one family member wears black wire/plastic frameglasses 26. your parents hover over your tired, caffeine-drugged body at 12 midnight to say, "In Korea (or other native country), we studied even more." 27. your parents expect you'll be best friends with any one off the street in any given area as long as they are Asian. 28. an Asian woman comes on campus and people ask: "Is that your mother? Well then, is it your sister?" 29. your relatives' houses smell like incense, mothballs or both 30. your parents say, "Calculus? I took calculus in 8th grade!!" 31. everyone thinks you're good at math. 32. your parents' vocabulary is filled with "Ai-yahs and Wah's" 33. you like $1.75 movies 34. you like $1.50 movies even more. 35. your aunts and uncles bring you back adorable clothing fromAsia with fuzzy bunnies, vinyl ducks and English words that makeno sense, in great colors like yellow, pink, magenta, orange and the everpopular lime green. 36. your parents insist you marry within your race. 37. you never order chop suey, sweet and sour pork, or any other imitation oriental food. 38. you either really, really want to go to UCI or really, really want to stay away from it. 39. your parents have never kissed you 40. your parents have never kissed each other 41. you learned about the birds and the bees from someone other than your parents 42. "You want a stereo!" When I was your age, I didn't even have shoes!!" 43. people see a bunch of scribbles on a chopstick and ask you to translate. 44. you have to call just about all your parent's friends "Auntie and Uncle." 45. you have 12+ aunts and uncles 46. at expensive restaurants, you order a delicious glass of water for your beverage and NEVER order dessert. 47. your parents simply cut the green/black part off the bread and say "Eat it anyway. It's still good." 48. the vast majority of the people related to you wear glasses. Thick glasses. 49. you will most likely be taller than your parents. 50. your parents have either made you play the piano, the violinor both. 51. you get nothing if you do well in school, but get in bigtrouble if you don't 52. when going to other peoples' houses, you always have to bring a gift. 53. your dad still pulls his socks up to his knees, you know, theones with the blue and pink stripes at the top. 54. your family owns a tennis racquet, golf clubs, or both. 55. your family always cheers for the Asian athlete on TV (i.e.,Michael Chang) 56. the furniture in your house never matches the wallpaper, the carpet, the decorations or any of the rest of the furniture. 57. you have rocks, sticks, leaves and strange-smelling, unknown substances in your pantry for use as medicine. 58. you own a rice cooker or two 59. you buy soy sauce by the gallon. 60. your family owns butcher knives bigger than your head. 61. your parents tell you about how long it took for them to getto school, how horrible the weather was in their native country, and how much they still appreciated going. 62. your parents buy you clothes and shoes many sizes too big so you can "grow into it" and wear it for years to come." ________________________________ Asian Races YOU KNOW YOU ARE JAPANESE IF... 1. You're obsessed with you hair, your car, and your clothes 2. You want to marry a Korean America or Chinese American woman (males); or you want to marry a white guy (females). 3. You're afraid of black people. 4. You know you are superior to all other Asians. > YOU KNOW YOU ARE KOREAN IF... 1. You smoke and drink too much. 2. You're actually sorry that Margaret Cho's sitcom was canceled. 3. You're afraid of black people. 4. You know you are superior to all other Asians. YOU KNOW YOU ARE CHINESE IF... 1. You think you're the smartest people in the world. 2. You have a pager and cellular phone with you at all times. 3. Today's steamed rice is tomorrow's fried rice. 4. You're afraid of black people. 5. You know you are superior to all other Asians. > YOU KNOW YOU ARE VIETNAMESE IF... 1. You've gotta have fish sauce with every meal. 2. You eat at a restaurant that has "Pho." 3. You have some relative who is Chinese. 4. You're afraid of black people. 5. You know you are superior to all other Asians. YOU KNOW YOU ARE FILIPINO IF... 1. You want to be a dancer, a singer, or an actor, even though you have a day job as a nurse, a security guard, or an accountant. 2. A member of your family back home is a politician or a movie star. 3. You're not afraid of black people; in fact, you wish you were black. 4. You don't care if you are superior to all other Asians or not, because being Filipino is just cool in itself. YOU KNOW YOU ARE THAI IF... 1. People want to pay you for sex. 2. No matter what you eat, it's not greasy or spicy enough. 3. You're not afraid of black people, because in some cases you're just as dark as they are. 4. You know in your heart that you will never be superior to all other Asians, but you've learned to live with it.
