Re: [ZESTPoets] 3 poems

[jane bhandari]

poem# 3:  I am troubled by the use of 'a blind' (I have also seen 'a deaf'!!!) - adjectives should not be used as nouns except in very rare cases. This is not one of them. Either use the phrase 'blind person', or reword the poem to make it clear that the person cannot see.     Poem # 2:  This needs reworking, and you have one very long line that really jars in stanza 3. If you can abandon the four-line format for the stanzas there is a good line-break after 'hurriedly'. Otherwise rework that stanza; it could use a little economy anyway.     janetemporal t <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote:    juhi:     liked #3 more     it has promises...try reducing it further for added punch    
 #1...please look at the middle stanza...from aesthetics not poetics perspective     # 2...am not sure...cannot get into it...maybe i will return to it later   On 11/21/05, Juhi Dua <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote:   Untitled 1White crowsBlack butterfliesLet us start afreshLet us repaint lifeWhy do we write black thoughts in white Why do we depict loss figures through vertical stripesLet us start afreshLet us rewrite lifeBlack starsWhite skiesLet us start afreshLet us repaint lifeUntitled 2What are our dreams If not our personal constructsMistaken as fantasized realitiesOne for me and another for
 youWhat is your black and my whiteIf not a palette for a common mid-way gleaming gray…An abode for cathartic smiles Born of your lack of sorrow and my intense joyThose sacred vowsThose creased thoughts that you slip hurriedly in the side pockets of my jeansLanguishing on the periphery of our perceptionsMake me long for your caressing gaze Our dreams formMy dreams are fedUntitled 3Like a blind reading Braille to perfectionYou read the unwritten from my eyesDreams in transitionYou hold each damp oneAnd hang them to dry ------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~-->Get fast access to your favorite Yahoo! Groups. Make Yahoo! your home pagehttp://us.click.yahoo.com/dpRU5A/wUILAA/yQLSAA/yqIolB/TM--------------------------------------------------------------------~->--You are encouraged to post poetry, respond critically to the poems circulated and participate in discussions. To post, email your message to ZESTPoets@yahoogroups.com OR post online at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTPoets/post/Tell friends to subscribe to ZESTPoets by sending a blank email to [EMAIL PROTECTED], OR, if they have a Yahoo! ID, by visiting http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTPoets/join/ ---theZESTcommunity--------------[1] ZESTCurrent: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTCurrent/[2] ZESTEconomics: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTEconomics/[3] ZESTGlobal: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTGlobal/[4] ZESTMedia: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTMedia/[5] ZESTPoets: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTPoets/[6] ZESTCaste: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTCaste/[7] ZESTAlternative: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTAlternative/[8] TalkZEST: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TalkZEST/---Yahoo! Groups Links<*> To visit your group on
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