Dear Vivek Thank you for helping me to convert my,' half a day's work,'into a finished poem. Sivakami
--- In [email protected], Vivek Narayanan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote: > > Dear S, > > This is intense, and also coherent. The syntax is pushed almost to > breaking point, but mostly it works. There are editing issues, I have > marked them in square brackets below. > > Cheers, V > > On 11/30/05, siva_ramanathan04 <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote: > > THE DOOM OF SILENCE > > > > Dear child, we say, when we marry off > > our daughters, forget us, forget your thus [hyphenate "thus- / -far"] > > far life, forget your till-this-moment home > > and adopt his parents, his siblings, and [cut "and"?] call > > his house your own, [ replace comma with full stop to make more clear] in short [comma after short] we wash our hands > > off [should be "of"] you, and we don't want to hear the other side > > news-- [replace hyphen with comma] only births and deaths and marriages > > so that we may bless or console as suits the ocassion [spelling?] [insert comma] > > in short [insert comma] adopt and practise 'the mantra of silence.' > > My daughter did, > > so we did not know > > when he pricked her nose with a pin > > attempting to punch a hole for a nosering [two words: nose ring] > > when he scorched her tender skin > > with a burning cigarette butt > > burning weal marks into her covered body > > when he threatened to crush the skull > > of my grandkids ,Krishna and Sri Rama [insert comma] > > driving his Maruti purposefully > > against the forward standing ["forward standing" doesn't make sense to me] tree > > when he stole her jewellery > > and pawned it for money > > to play rummy at the country club > > when he kept asking us for perennial ["kept asking us" and "perennial" mean the same thing in this context, so it amounts to repetition] > > dowry, , [extra comma] he left our daughter's bed > > for other women [hyphenate other-women] sex, so that when > > he knocked late at her door step > > she let him in and when he offered > > her hair to the Lord of Thirupathi , > > my daughter bore it all in silence > > and the day he planned an en masse ["en masse"? how many people were committing suicide? perhaps you mean double suicide] suicide > > she opened her mouth only to swallow > > whatever it was he had mixed > > in the almond flavoured milk. > > He survived with the two kids and > > my daughter died > > carrying her silence full circle. > > > > Sivakami Velliangiri > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > -- > > You are encouraged to post poetry, respond critically to the poems circulated and participate in discussions. To post, email your message to [email protected] OR post online at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTPoets/post/ > > > > Tell friends to subscribe to ZESTPoets by sending a blank email to [EMAIL PROTECTED], OR, if they have a Yahoo! ID, by visiting http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTPoets/join/ > > > > > > > > ---theZESTcommunity-------------- > > > > [1] ZESTCurrent: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTCurrent/ > > [2] ZESTEconomics: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTEconomics/ > > [3] ZESTGlobal: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTGlobal/ > > [4] ZESTMedia: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTMedia/ > > [5] ZESTPoets: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTPoets/ > > [6] ZESTCaste: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTCaste/ > > [7] ZESTAlternative: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTAlternative/ > > [8] TalkZEST: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TalkZEST/ > > --- > > Yahoo! Groups Links > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > ------------------------ Yahoo! Groups Sponsor --------------------~--> Life without art & music? Keep the arts alive today at Network for Good! http://us.click.yahoo.com/7zgKlB/dnQLAA/Zx0JAA/yqIolB/TM --------------------------------------------------------------------~-> -- You are encouraged to post poetry, respond critically to the poems circulated and participate in discussions. To post, email your message to [email protected] OR post online at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTPoets/post/ Tell friends to subscribe to ZESTPoets by sending a blank email to [EMAIL PROTECTED], OR, if they have a Yahoo! ID, by visiting http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTPoets/join/ ---theZESTcommunity-------------- [1] ZESTCurrent: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTCurrent/ [2] ZESTEconomics: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTEconomics/ [3] ZESTGlobal: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTGlobal/ [4] ZESTMedia: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTMedia/ [5] ZESTPoets: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTPoets/ [6] ZESTCaste: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTCaste/ [7] ZESTAlternative: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTAlternative/ [8] TalkZEST: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/TalkZEST/ --- Yahoo! Groups Links <*> To visit your group on the web, go to: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ZESTPoets/ <*> To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to: [EMAIL PROTECTED] <*> Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to: http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
