I remember when Jeff first posted this about 9 years ago--then revised it
several times.  I also remember some new Zionisti thinking it was a
serious survey!
Funny thing is, it's still pretty relevant!

val

On Sun, 02 Nov 2003 17:51:06 -0900 "John W. Redelfs"
<[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
> With great fondness I remember a list member, Jeff Farinacci, who 
> delighted 
> us with his "New Member Survey."  For nostalgia's sake I post it 
> here:
> 
> Welcome to the ZION List.
>    But before becoming a full-fledged member, you must first fill 
> out this
>    survey and return it back to the list.  Thanks for your 
> cooperation.
> 
> 1.  Are you a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day 
> Saints?
> 
> 2.  Do you sustain Gordon B. Hinckley as the President of the 
> Church, and as
> Prophet, Seer, and Revelator?
> 
> 3.  Do you sustain the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles as Prophets, 
> Seers, and
> Revelators?
> 
> 4.  Do you sustain your local leaders?
> 
> 5.  Are you now or have you ever been involved with, or supported 
> (either
> financially, emotionally, spiritually, or otherwise) any individual 
> or groups
> of individuals who are apostates to the Church?
> 
> 6.  WHITE SHIRTS
>      a.  Do you own any white shirts?  If so, how many?
>      b.  Do you wear them on Sunday?
>      c.  Have you ever worn a shirt that was not white on Sunday?
>      d.  Do you have a white belt and shoes to match?
>      e.  Have you ever worn white shoes after Labor Day?
> 
> 7.  WORD OF WISDOM
>      a.  Have you ever drank or do you now drink Coca-Cola, or 
> Pepsi?
>      b.  Have you ever drank or do you now drink "herbal teas" ?
>      c.  Do you eat chocolate?
>      d.  Do you drink Gatorade so you can "be like Mike" ?
>      e.  Do you do these things on Sunday?
> 
> 8.  PLAYING CARDS
>      a.  Do you now play or have you ever played cards?
>      b.  Do you own playing cards?
>      c.  Do you have any card games on your computer?
>      d.  Have you ever watched anybody play cards?
>      e.  Have you ever known anybody from Las Vegas?
>      f.  Is a Royal Flush better than a Full House?
> 
> 9.  FEMINISTS
>      a.  Have you ever used the term "feminazi" before?
>      b.  Do you sympathize with the "feminist movement" or "feminist 
> agenda"?
>      c.  Do you watch or have you ever watched TV talk shows like 
> "Sally Jessy
>      Raphael", "Oprah", "Donahue" or "Geraldo"?
> 
> 10.  POLITICAL AGENDA
>      a.  Are you a conservative or liberal?
>          (Please do not answer "middle of the road" here.
>          You must identify yourself as one or the other.)
>      b.  Do you drink Orange Juice?
>      c.  Did you vote for Bill & Hillary?
>      d.  Have you ever listened to or do you now listen to "Rush 
> Limbaugh"?
>      e.  Please list all publications (magazines, newspapers etc) 
> you read.
> 
> 11.  CHURCH
>      a.  Please describe any and all callings that you have had in 
> the  Church.
>      b.  When do you think the Second Coming of the Lord will be?
>      c.  Do you consider yourself to be an "iron rodder"?
>      d.  Do you play basketball? What position?  Height?
> 
> 12.  SACRAMENT
>      a.  Do you take the sacrament with your right hand?
>      b.  Do you save the bread until the water comes?
>      c.  Do you smack others who take the sacrament with their left 
> hand?
>      d.  Are you left-handed?
>      e.  Have you ever sneezed on the sacrament trays?
> 
> 13.  SPIRIT & BIRTH
>      When does the spirit enter the body?
>      a.  Immediately after conception
>      b.  After conception but before birth
>      c.  At birth
>      d.  After birth but before the age of eight
>      e.  I've known some people who had no soul at all.
> 
> 14.  GUNS
>      a.  Do you think that guns are immoral or unchristian?
>      b.  Do you own any guns?  If so, list them.
>          Attach a separate page, if needed.
>      c.  Have you ever fired a gun?  When was the last time?
>      d.  Do you support the right to bear arms?
>      e.  Do you support the right to arm bears?
>      f.  Are you a member of the NRA, NOW, BSA, FBI, CIA, JBS, or 
> CNN?
> 
> 15.  MEDIA
>      a.  Do you think the media is biased?
>      b.  Do you trust what the media reports?
>      c.  Do you think it is okay to "bash" the media?
> 
> 16.  MISSIONARY WORK
>      a.  Did you serve a mission?  If so, where?
>      b.  Did you get married within 18 months of returning?
>      c.  Can you still fit into your mission clothes?
>      d.  How many ties do you own?
> 
> 17.  MISCELLANEOUS
>      a.  Do you ever use the term "GA" to refer to a General 
> Authority?
>      b.  Do you ever refer to Church Leaders by their initials?
>      c.  Do you own a ouija board?
>      d.  Do you own a dartboard?
>      e.  How does Teflon stick to the pan?
>      f.  Why are manhole covers round?
>      g.  Do you have a garden at home?  Have you ever grown 
> zucchini?
>          If so, what is the largest zucchini you've grown?
>      h.  Do you wear a mask at Halloween?
>          Do you wear a mask at any other time of the year?
>      i.  Do you eat Lime Jell-O?
>      j.  Have you ever put butter on a cat?
> 
>
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