TOP TEN DISCIPLINE PRINCIPLES
1. GET CONNECTED EARLY
Discipline is grounded on a healthy relationship
between parent and child. To know how to discipline
your child you must first know your child. This kind
of knowledge resides deep in parents' minds. You could
call it intuition, but that term has a kind of
mystique that confuses parents. ("How can I trust my
intuition? I don't even know if I have any!") The term
"connection" is easier to understand. With the
high-touch parenting style called attachment
parenting, you can build and strengthen this
connection between you and your child, laying the
foundation for discipline. Connected parents become
their own experts on their own child, so they know
what behavior is appropriate to expect and how to
convey these expectations. Connected children know
what behavior parents expect and make an effort to
behave this way because they want to please their
parents. Together these parents and children develop a
style of discipline that works for them. We describe
the tools for connecting with your baby and young
child so that you can read your child's behavior and
respond appropriately, so the two of you can bring out
the best in each other. (See
2. KNOW YOUR CHILD. These are the three most useful
words in discipline. Study your child. Know your
child's needs and capabilities at various ages. Your
discipline techniques will be different at each stage
because your child's needs change. A temper tantrum in
a two-year-old calls for a different response than it
does in an eight-year-old.
Know Age-appropriate Behavior. Many conflicts arise
when parents expect children to think and behave like
adults. You need to know what behavior is usual for a
child at each stage of development in order to
recognize true misbehavior. We find discipline to be
much easier with our eighth child than it was with our
first child, mainly because we now have a handle on
which behaviors call for instruction, patience, and
humor, and which demand a firm, corrective response.
We tolerate those things that go along with a child's
age and stage (for example, most two-year-olds can't
sit still very long in a restaurant), but we correct
behavior that is disrespectful or dangerous to the
child or to others ("You may not climb on the table").
Get behind the eyes of your child. Children don't
think like adults. Kids try crazy things and think
crazy thoughts—at least by adult standards. You will
drive yourself crazy if you judge a child's behavior
from an adult viewpoint. A two-year-old who runs out
into the street isn't being defiant, he just wants his
ball back. Action follows impulse, with no thought in
between. A five-year-old likes her friend's toy so
much that she "borrows" it. An adult may stop and
weigh the necessity, safety, and morality of an act,
but a young child doesn't.
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