An Indian Renunciate's story of life close to Ammachi in Amritapuri I met Mata Amritanandamayi, when I was 14 and joined the organization at around 20. I spent a good amount of my prime years there. Regarding the question, "What was your relationship to Amma"? I used to think of her as my own mother, guru and god. And "How close to the inner circle were you?" I guess I was pretty close to her but not able to quantify it. I became involved with the ashram at a very young age. But the Period 1999-2001 was a major contributor. We saw, many of the seniors leaving, Swami Advaithamritha (Lakshman), Swami Amrithamayananda, Swamini Amrithaprana, Bri.Ambamritha (Manju) And many others as well. Some of them were very close to me. Swami Amritaswarupananda was also about to leave and was on anti-depressants in those days.. But was sent away for a while. It was like the whole thing falling apart. It was very painful for a person inside to see the entire creamy layer, moving out. It also made me think a lot! I have heard directly from Amritanandamyi herself, that Amrithaprana would attain self realization by serving me, and lot off stuff like that. Ammachi became more reliant on her immediate family members during that phase, it also helped me see the human vulnerabilities of insecurity gripping her. I confronted or rather approached her with my confusions on the meaning and purpose of this kind of life. She started telling, don't think too much, do your Nishkama sevanam (selfless work) and let me know openly all your problems. Since then, it was kind of half hearted. PLEASE UNDERSTAND, it is not just a few incidents, it is the whole experience of being there and seeing and observing her and try to HANG ON to the faith in her. She plays with our emotions by giving lot of attention and care at times and then totally ignoring you for months.
So the point is the process of losing faith is like developing cracks on a stone (being thrashed :-) ) over time, it was gradual for me. Just to give a glimpse of the other face of her, during my last few months. I had a health issue and had to go to AIMS and we were supposed to seek her permission. She was emphatic, in replying that "I don't know anything about u" and in a total indifferent tone. To hear it from a person, whom you TRUST as mother, guru and god at a very stressful time in your life is not easy. As you don't have anyone else to hold on to. There is so much to go on. May be some other time, as reliving those experience by narrating it is also painful at times. It just makes me feel betrayed and it hurts beyond words and I want to move on. All of her immediate family members have become very rich with no clear and justifiable source of income to substantiate. No one dares to speak anything against her family members inside the ashram. I know lot of the insiders are contemplating about coming out now, but don't have the confidence - thinking about, being able to get a job, acceptance of the society etc. Needless to say, transition is painful. I came out and I am very happy. My friends, family and some of my friends (former devotees) also helped me thru it. I shall try to articulate my perspective and understanding on some of these questions based on my experience there. I am also trying to be as much as objective and factual as possible. It is very different and it would be very difficult to get an exposure on her private face. I would like to put it this way. A person is coming to see her in darshan, with his/her problem/question. She would be (seemingly?) extremely compassionate, loving and understanding towards the person to instill and nurture faith in Her (especially if she sees the person important or necessary for the organization (corporate. She would give lot of attention to your issues.) She is amazingly intelligent, smart and also patiently willing to go to that extra mile to make that happen. She is really very good at that. Once that happens, you are opening up yourself to a wonder world of faith (devotee), devotion and a sense of sublime surrender being generated from a false sense of security with your relation to the DIVINE, then more or less your sense of rationalization stops. You start attributing some good happenings or nice coincidences in your life as HER grace and some unfortunate incidents as wake up calls for not being able to follow her teachings. The ideals of selfless service would be awe-inspiring. Once you become blind by faith, you will find yourself relying more and more on the feeling of devotion with her. With your intellect being open to her teachings (spiritual?) you tend to look at life and the world in a specific way and tend to become more and more comfortable and moving in the "devotee" circle. Don't think that, the whole experience and journey is very depressing or confusing. It is not; it gives you a real "high" especially in the beginning. This is rather a generic process of becoming an insider. Of course there exist many possible permutations and combinations to it. The person becomes accustomed with the new life and moves on. Slowly, over the years and many experiences make them feel and think that this life is worthless and they decide to move out .It may not happen to every one though, many are confused. Over the years, the number of people moving out is increasing is for sure. Now comes the interesting part, once you tend to make a step in that direction of moving out. You would be persuaded initially in a loving and caring way - not to do so. But it is also directly proportional to your level of commitment and devotion and devotion towards her. Once she senses that you have LOST FAITH or rather have started losing faith in HER. You could potentially see the ruthless and the "other" face of her. Your character assassination will follow, so that your "voice/reason" would not have any value there. Mostly she would make your life very, very difficult inside the ashram in a very diplomatic way. The devotees or disciples do feel scared to come out primarily, their entire world was revolving around HER and HER organization which is considered divine and to emotionally come out of it and feel the confidence to live outside in the world is not easy for a person who practiced "Blind Faith and spirituality". Rather, it is a shock to realize the loss of faith. It is altogether a different topic to discuss. But the process would be "Enlightening". The organization never entertains interaction between people inside the ashram, who are renunciates with the people who have LOST FAITH as this would be the people who can potentially encourage or confuse the people inside who are considering leaving. Having said that, I would like to highlight one most important point, she has lot of talents and skills - she could talk to a scientist and an artist, a business man and a "common man" with equal ease and impress upon them with her practical wisdom. She is very good in making good calculated judgments may be even farsighted. She is highly autocratic but able to conceal it with diplomacy. But it is definitely human than divine. But for people (devotees) blind with faith it is divine. I am neither a devotee nor an admirer (anymore), but don't undermine her raw human talent and skills that she is able to use to build her corporate empire in the "Faith" industry. It is very very important to acknowledge that aspect of her to confront with the much talked about pseudo Divine persona. I am not sure, whether it made any sense from the reader's perspective - but it has more to it. It is only a tip of an iceberg. When the ashram started Amrita TV under the banner of the AEPL (Amrita Enterprises Pvt Ltd), the money to jump start the program was pooled from the Pharmacy at AIMS. More over, they get large volumes of medicines from Pharmaceutical companies as free samples (in the name of charity) and sell it to the public through the pharmacy. Think about it, an entertainment industry supported by the money from the poor and under privileged. It does not make sense. Pinarayi Viajayan is the state secretary and her daughter were given a free admission (worth 12500$) to Amrita Engineering college. Since then no one has uttered a word or protest against the illegal - management fee collected by Amrita educational institutions. E.P Maharaja given free/highly subsidized rate for heart surgery at AIMS hospital. Remember Kerala is currently governed by communist party. These are not the poor and needy. Grand daughter of ex- congress minister - Balakrishna Pillai given free medical admission at AIMS (100000$). This was when congress in power. I had the feeling of not wanting to be connected to the organization through the initial period of "coming out" and I really didn't want to think or associate with the Hugging Saint or her organization anymore. The sense of betrayal and the sense of loss, coupled with the pressure to get back to Life was traumatic. Especially the militant, cult mind set of the ashram organization under her direction tend to make it even worse.
