The Bush News Network (or N3: "the NeoCon News Network") Richard Forno 24 Nov 03 Copyright 2003 by Richard Forno. Permission is granted to quote, reprint or redistribute provided the text is not altered, and appropriate credit is given.
For years, the United States has prided itself on its commercial news organizations to report events to the American people. The broadcast networks and cable news channels provided all the news coverage necessary to try and keep America's free and open society informed. Not anymore. Welcome to BNN - The Bush News Network. Fair and unfiltered news, direct from the source to the people. BNN markets itself as the only news network capable of both creating and reporting on the events of the day, and for cutting out the "middle men" of news reporting from the established commercial news organizations. As BNN founder and chief anchor George W. Bush said recently, "sometimes you just have to go over the heads of the filter [avoiding the uncomfortable questions we don't want to answer] and speak directly to the people [telling them only what we want them to know.]" BNN does just that. With that said, let's meet the core news team: Daily broadcasts are anchored from BNN Headquarters in Washington by George W. Bush, someone virtually unheard of in the international media community until his breakthrough appearance in prime-time during the 2000 Republican Convention. Bush brings a semi-educated and folksy tone to his on-screen persona (some popular witticisms include saying that Iraqi President Saddam Hussein "crawfished" to escape United Nations sanctions and that he would "smoke" Taliban operatives "out of their caves") -- that is proving popular with both viewers of all ages groups and visiting heads-of-state. A Texas native, George likes ranching, oil, baseball, and easy-to-swallow pretzels. (Since January 2001 George has done a fantastic job during his temporary appointment to the job; it is hoped by many that he will be formally elected to his position in November 2004.) The military aspects of America's War on Terrorism are covered by BNN chief Pentagon correspondent Don Rumsfeld. Count on Don to provide daily infotainment from the far reaches of the globe as America's War on Terror continues. An accomplished on-air poet, several of Rumsfeld's musings were memorialized recently in Hart Seely's entertaining book "Pieces of Intelligence: The Existential Poetry of Donald Rumsfeld." (Don also substitutes for sports anchor Dick Myers on occasion.) His on-screen charisma and distinguished active-duty service as a Navy fighter pilot - not to mention a former Princeton wrestling star - gives the network a serious ratings boost with the hard-to-reach Soccer Moms demographic. For viewers interested in domestic news items, BNN's justice correspondent Johnny "Mad Mullah" Ashcroft is on constant patrol to uncover new ways that the federal government can stifle or quash America's cherished civil liberties. Despite supporting fundamentalist right-wing Christian social values and talking about "phantoms of lost liberty," as a former member of the Singing Senators (along with Trent Lott, James Jeffords and Larry Craig) his night-club piano and crooning talents (most notably his rendition of "Let The Eagle Soar") makes him a popular personality with the ladies despite his views on abortion and occasional on-screen hysterics from Moscow television studios. Based at BNN Pentagon Center, sports anchor Richard "The Chairman" Myers provides daily coverage of America's favorite home teams - the Army, Air Force, Navy, and Marines - both on and off the field of battle. From who's moving where, when, and with what battle plan or equipment, count on Myers and his team for the best play-by-play analysis inside the Beltway. Like Rumsfeld, Myers is an accomplished pilot, and polls well with both male and female viewers. He's also the only member of the BNN team routinely on-air in military uniform, and that appeals to the network's male demographic. Rounding out the core news team is noted meteorologist Karl "Doctor Strange" Rove. Throughout his career, Karl's been able to predict how the political winds of change will blow with striking accuracy and precision. Although known for periodically (and some may say illegally) seeding the clouds to rain on his political opponents, his behind-the-scenes work is essential for the long-term success of the BNN network. Viewers can expect to see more of Karl's work as the leading edge of the 2004 election media storm nears. Supporting the core news team is an equally-experienced cadre of correspondents, analysts, and other experts: No network news organization is complete without good research and fact-checking. The BNN Investigative Unit is headed by Richardo "Dick" Cheney. Based out of BNN Headquarters in Washington, Cheney and his constantly-on-the-go team of experts uncover the facts presented in stories that BNN viewers might view as controversial. His work includes such award-winning investigative projects as the still-secret National Energy Plan and the dubious link between Osama bin Laden's terrorist network and Saddam Hussein. Cheney is assisted by the venerable Doug Feith who operates from BNN's off-camera Special Plans Bureau at the Pentagon. Since its creation in January 2001, the Investigative Unit has proudly lived up to its motto: "if the facts don't add up to our liking, we'll just create some that will." Given that foreign affairs is a complex field of study, BNN's Paul Wolfowitz helps explain policy actions to the network's bipartisan Capitol Hill audience. The former Dean of the Johns Hopkins University School of Advanced International Studies (SAIS) and now the number-two person at BNN's Pentagon Center, "Wolfie" is well-known in Washington's policy circles as a frequent on-air personality during BNN's coverage of foreign affairs and military operations. Supporting Wolfowitz is Condie Rice. Her professional expertise in historical and conventional Cold War-era Soviet studies lends a fresh and sometimes-useful perspective on the emerging and unconventional issues associated with the modern Terror War. BNN's coverage of special events is supported by a number of experienced on-call correspondents. For matters pertaining to Homeland Security, it draws on the multi-talented trio of Tom "Duck(Tape) and Cover" Ridge, Norm Mineta, and Tommy "Tom-Tom" Thompson to deliver reassuring analysis and words of comfort to viewers. BNN is also honored to include retired general Colin Powell's insights and analysis on matters of diplomacy and international relations. And, for those betting on the future direction of the federal interest rate, BNN has renewed Alan Greenspan's contract to chair monthly meetings of the Federal Reserve, a popular program he's hosted long before moving to BNN in 2001. Alan joins John Snow and Josh Bolten in presenting a unified and objective outlook on economic news of interest to viewers. For quality control, every broadcast of the BNN must be passed through Dan Bartlett, the BNN Communications Director and Washington station manager. >From ensuring on-air correspondents stick to their message-of-the-day talking points, which correspondents can appear on other weekly network news programs, and making sure the right background is used for all BNN broadcasts, Dan makes it all happen. No detail is overlooked - including ensuring everyone on-camera is wearing patriotic lapel pins. Supporting Dan is a field crew of "advance people" that coordinate and prepare the desired images and venues before the actual broadcast. The team's most recent accomplishment - under Dan's predecessor, Ari Fleisher - was to delay the return of the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln from Iraq to accommodate Bush's dramatic real-time reporting on the Terror War after landing on its decks while the vessel slowly circled off the California coastline. BNN's chief technical advisor is Australian media mogul Rupert Murdoch, currently on loan from the GOP News Network (commonly referred to as the FOX News Channel.) Murdoch's role is to work with the BNN team to ensure its messages are presented in a manner most representative of BNN's core values to help maximize the network's worth to shareholders and viewers alike. Rupe's experience promoting the (allegedly-trademarked) "fair-and-balanced" Republican perspective at FOX over the years is a welcome asset to BNN's own (and soon-to-be-trademarked) "grave and gathering" coverage of American affairs today. As a state-run organization, the BNN is proud to have a sizable Board of Directors overseeing its operations. The current rotating Board membership includes (but not limited to) high-ranking members of the federal government, industrialists, and academics such as: Eliott Abrams, Frank Gaffney, John Bolton, Norm Podhoretz, Michael Ledeen, Lewis "Scooter' Libby, David Wurmser, Richard "The Dark Prince" Perle, Robert Kagan, and Founding Board Chairman Irving Kristol. (Note: BNN correspondents Paul Wolfowitz and Doug Feith also sit on the Board.) There you have it - a quick overview of the newest and best source of news about American policies coming from those in the position to best know what's happening. After all, as BNN founder George W. Bush says, "the best way to get the news is from objective sources." Thanks to BNN's innovative organization and creative team, you can't get find a more objective news organization anywhere in the world. In response to critics questioning the legitimacy of BNN coverage of world events, reliance on secretive sources of information, and the allegedly-partisan nature of its coverage, spokespersons for the network's simply replied, "bring it on." # # # # # Security technologist Richard Forno is the author of "Weapons of Mass Delusion: America's Real National Emergency." A patriotic American and neither a Democrat nor Republican, his home in cyberspace is http://www.infowarrior.org/. -- You are a subscribed member of the infowarrior list. Visit www.infowarrior.org for list information or to unsubscribe. This message may be redistributed freely in its entirety. Any and all copyrights appearing in list messages are maintained by their respective owners.