[ funny jokes ] funnies for you
Show and Tell A kindergarten teacher gave her class a show and tell assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David. The second student got up in front of the class and said, My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary. The third student got in up front of the class and said, My name is Tommy. I am Lutheran , and this is a casserole. One Sunday morning A mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, I'm not going. Why not? she asked. I'll give you two good reasons, he said. (1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them. His mother replied, I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) You're the pastor! The Picnic A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. This baked ham is really delicious, the priest teased the rabbi. You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it? The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, At your wedding. The Usher An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps, Where would you like to sit? he asked politely. The front row please, she answered. You really don't want to do that, the usher said The pastor is really boring. Do you happen to know who I am? the woman inquired. No. he said. I'm the pastor's mother, she replied indignantly. Do you know who I am? he asked. No. she said. Good, he answered. The Best Way To Pray A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray, the priest said. No, said the minister. I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven. You're both wrong, the guru said. The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor. The repairman could contain himself no longer. Hey, fellas, he interrupted. The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole. The Twenty and the One A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. I've had a pretty good life, the twenty proclaimed. Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean Wow! said the one-dollar bill. You've really had an exciting life! So tell me, says the twenty, where have you been throughout your lifetime? The one dollar bill replies, Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church .. The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, What's a church? Goat for Dinner The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. Goat, the little boy replied. Goat? replied the startled man of the cloth, Are you sure about that? Yep, said the youngster. I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner. Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth
[ funny jokes ] funnies
DOG'S NOTE TO SELF: These are just some of the things I must remember (in order to keep my present living arrangements): ~ The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff. ~ I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. ~ I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed. ~ I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house. ~ I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up. ~ I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick. ~ I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell. ~ I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing. ~ The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. ~ I will not chew my humans' toothbrushes and not tell them. ~ I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging. ~ When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside. ~ We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on television. ~ The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps. ~ My head does not belong in the refrigerator. ~ I will not munch on leftovers in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food. ~ I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration. ~ I will not roll around in the dirt right after just getting a bath. ~ The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, doesn't mean it's cleaner. ~ The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing [Non-text portions of this message have been removed] http://jokesfunny.wordpress.com/ http://quotes.wordpress.com/
[ funny jokes ] funnies for you
Teenager Daughter Owner's Manual Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teen- agers. Teenager Owner's Manual Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenage daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the main- tenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund.) IF YOU FEEL, YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenager girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she: (a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing? (b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)? (c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though. *-- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---* I was in a department store dressing room when I overheard a woman in the next booth make disparaging remarks about the clothes she was trying on. Finally, an attendant knocked on her door and asked if there was a specific color or style she could get for her. I need a dress for my class reunion, the woman answered. I don't care what color or style, as long as it makes me look twenty pounds lighter and ten years younger. From another dressing room I heard a woman call out, Make that two. Remember, God doesn't call the equipped, he equips the called. And He will always be there to love and guide you on to great things!Your Servant In Christ, Sister Gwen http://www.evliving.com/phoenix-arizona/ http://www.worldfamousrecipes.org/ http://groups.yahoo.com/group/free-recipes/
[ funny jokes ] funnies for you
Did you hear about the farmer who ploughed his field with a steamroller? He wanted to grow mash potatoes. What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer? You take me for grunted. When is a farmer like a magician? When he turns his cow too pasture. Why did the farmer call his pig Ink? Because it was always running out of the pen. What do you call cattle with a sense of humor? Laughing stock! Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He has got no beef. Messages in this topic (1)
[ funny jokes ] Funnies for you.
Say the word slowly and Take your time. 1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds. 2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do. 3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage. 4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.. 5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate. 6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. 7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living. 8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist. 9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does. 10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money. 11. MISTY: How golfers create divots. 12. PARADOX: Two physicians. 13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower . 14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm. 15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with. 16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV. 17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring. 18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife. 19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does. 20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official.
[ funny jokes ] funnies
German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network. Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fibre net. Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing... They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones. - Excuses, excuses, excuses The following were all found in notes written by parents to excuse their children's absences from school. - Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. - Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. - Please excuse Tom for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak. - Irving was absent this morning because he missed his bust. - Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. - I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear. - Please excuse Harriet for missing school yesterday. We forget to get the Sunday paper off the porch. and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. - Did They Mean to Say That - On a New York loft building: Wanted: Woman to sew buttons on the fourth floor. - In a New Hampshire medical building: Martin Diabetes Professional Ass. - In the office of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home. - In a New York medical building: Mental health prevention center. - In a toy department: Five Santa Clauses -- no waiting. - On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church. - On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship. - At a number of military bases: Restraicted to unauthorized personnel. - In a number of parking areas: Violators will be enforced and Trespassers will be violated. - On a display of I Love You Only Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs. - In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machines do the dirty work. - In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan. - On a window of a New Hampshire hamburger restaurant: Yes, we are open. Sorry for the inconvenience. -- Easter Pet A man wanted an Easter pet for his daughter. He looked at a baby chick and a baby duck. They were both very cute, but he decided to buy the baby chick. Do you know why? The baby chick was a little cheeper! --- Bruise Jim: How did you get that bruise on your arm? Joe: I ate some Easter candy. Jim: Eating Easter candy won't give you a bruise. Joe: It will if it's your big brother's candy!
[ funny jokes ] funnies for you.
LACKING ALL RELIGION A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man? Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, Naw, these are soybeans. You don't understand, said the preacher. Are you a Christian? With the same amount of interest as his previous answer the farmer said, Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here. The young determined preacher tried again asking the farmer, Are you lost? Naw! I've lived here all my life, answered the farmer. Are you prepared for the resurrection? the frustrated preacher asked. This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, When's it gonna be? Thinking he had accomplished something the young preacher replied, It could be today, tomorrow, or the next day. Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much and she'll wanna go all three days. Tithing Two men crashed in their private plane on a South Pacific Island. Both men survived. One of the men brushed himself off and then proceeded to run all over the island to see if they had any chance of survival. When he returned, he rushed up to the other man screaming 'We are going to die!' The other man leaned back against the fuselage of the wrecked plane, folded his arms and responded, 'No we're not. I make over $250,000 a week.' The first man grabbed his friend and shook him. 'Listen, we are on an uninhabited island. There is no food, no water. We are going to die!' The other man, unruffled, again shook his head no and responded. 'No, I make over $250,000 a week.' Mystified, the first man, taken aback with such an answer again repeated, 'For the last time, I'm telling you we ARE doomed. There is no one else on this island. There is NO Food. There is NO Water. We are, I repeat, we are going to die a slow death.' Still unfazed, the first man looked the other in the eyes and said, 'Do not make me say this again. I make over $250,000 per week.and I tithe. MY PASTOR WILL FIND US!' Hot Sermon I had just finished preaching a sermon, and people were lining up to receive Communion. As people moved through the line, I noticed them gazing back at me with tears in their eyes. Was my sermon that moving? I wondered. Had I connected with the congregation at some deep level? But as the number of tear-stained faces increased, I began to feel uneasy. After the service, I discovered that the person who had set up for Communion had taken the wrong loaf from the freezer. I had served jalapeno-pepper bread. Have a Blessed Day
[ funny jokes ] funnies
When I was introduced to a couple visiting our congregation, I decided to remember their names by noting they were the same as those of two characters in a popular children's story. After the services I stopped to talk to them, and as they were saying goodbye I teased, Be careful going up that hill! But you must get that all the time. They smiled politely but said nothing. After they left, my wife asked, What was that all about? Jack and Jill. Up the hill. Remember? I said. Yes, but what does that have to do with, she pointed to the couple, Dick and Jane? *-- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes ---* On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant. I'm sorry to bother you, she said, but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time. Funny Jokes Blog on Wordpress.com http://jokesfunny.wordpress.com/ Funny Jokes Blog on Blogspot.com http://funny-jokes.blogspot.com/
[ funny jokes ] funnies for you
Locked Out One afternoon my wife April rushed out of the house, forgetting her keys, and found herself locked out. There was nothing she could do but wait for me to come home. She saw a neighbor who was outside raking leaves. You locked yourself out? he asked. Yeah, this is the second time since we moved in. After the first time we took an extra key and put it in a jar, then stuck it in a potted plant on the deck.. So what's the problem? I took the plants in for the winter. Funny School Excuses These are the top ten funniest excuse notes from parents collected by schools from all over this country. 1. Please excuse Lola for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. 2. Jimmy has been absent yesterday because he had two teeth taken out of his face. 3. My daughter is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute her. 4. Please excuse Jenny. She has been sick and under the doctor. 5. Sandra won't be in school a week from today. We have to attend her funeral. 6. Please excuse Holly from Jim today. She is administrating. 7. Kevin was absent from school yesterday because he was playing football. He was damaged in the growing part. 8. Amy could not come to school today because she was bothered by very close veins. 9. Please excuse Johnny for being. It was his father's fault. 10. Please excuse Jesse from school. He had very loose vowels. Points To Ponder 1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards - NAIVE! 2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly!) 3. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea.does that mean that one enjoys it? 4. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 6. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with? 7. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pi anist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist? 8. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? 9. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? 10 If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? 11. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? 12. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? 13. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final exam. 14. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks? 15. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to t hem? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail? 16. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? 17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 18. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag? 19. If a cow laughed, would she spew milk out of her nose? 20. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G? 21. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells... 'THEIRS' Have a Blessed Weekend
[ funny jokes ] FUNNIES
Animal Sounds A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions. Davey, what sound does a cow make? Davey replied, It goes 'moo'. Alice, what sound does a cat make? Alice said, It goes 'meow'. Jamie, what sound does a lamb make? Jamie said, It goes 'baaa'. Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make? Jennifer paused, and said, Uhh... it goes... 'click'! Justice Triumphs A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client, who had attended the trial, was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client. The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading, Justice has triumphed! The client wired back, Appeal at once! - Be a PS3 game guru. Get your game face on with the latest PS3 news and previews at Yahoo! Games. [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
[ funny jokes ] Funnies
Guys Shopping*** In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man shopping with his son. As I walked by, he checked something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child; You know, if we really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again. Women and Cats I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat. H Happy as a Clam Then there is researcher Peter Fong, who has given new meaning to the expression happy as a clam. The Gettysburg College biologist stumbled onto the fact that molluscs reproduce at 10 times their normal rate if Prozac is dumped in the water. Fong was pursuing research on the basic nervous system of fingernail clams when he discovered that if he dumped the antidepressant into the water, the clams would start reproducing madly. It's a piece of wonderful science and it sounds utterly ridiculous at the same time, Abrahams said. Traffic was backed up almost to a standstill this morning as I drove to work. I turned on the radio to listen to my favourite rock station but they were playing Rockabilly which I absolutely detest. So I decided to ram the dial for something better and happened to tune in a local talk show host who was ranting about government waste of funds on useless research projects. He was objecting to congress funding a project to a team in Gettysburg, PA , that was feeding clams and other molluscs large doses of Prozac to determine its effect on these sea dwellers. He cited this as an example of government waste. I immediately phoned him on my cellular phone and found myself on the air. The host was very unhappy when I told him that this research was very important as it was essential to determine if Prozac was effective as a mussel relaxant. - Don't pick lemons. See all the new 2007 cars at Yahoo! Autos. [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
