[ funny jokes ] more funnies

2008-02-21 Thread gwen tweedy
Valentine's Day Oneliners

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
Hogs and kisses!

What would you get if you crossed Odie with the god of love?
A stupid cupid!

Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
It was Valenswine's Day!

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
Sure, they're very scent-imental!

What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
I'm sweet on you!

What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
I find you very attractive.

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?
A hug and a quiche!

What would you call a woman who goes out with Jon?
Desperate!

What did one pickle say to the other?
You mean a great dill to me.

Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you!

What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
I love you a ton!

What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
You're fun to hang around with.

Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?
He fell in love with a pincushion!

What did the pencil say to the paper?
I dot my i's on you!

Liz: I can't be your valentine for medical reasons.
Jon: Really?
Liz: Yeah, you make me sick!

Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend?
She didn't suit his taste!



[ funny jokes ] more funnies

2008-02-15 Thread gwen tweedy
 rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser 
with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's 
radio telling them to disperse some people who were 
loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd 
standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and 
said, Let's get off the corner.
No one moved, so he barked again, Let's get off the 
corner!
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting 
puzzled glances in his direction.
Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned 
to his partner and asked, Well, how did I do?
Pretty good, replied the veteran, especially since this 
was a bus stop.

 police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was 
speeding down Main Street. But officer, the man said, I 
can explain.
Just be quiet!!! snapped the officer. ...or I'm going to 
let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back.
But officer, I just wanted to say
And I said KEEP QUIET! Now you're going to jail!
A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner 
and said, Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's 
wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.
Don't count on it, said the man in the cell. I'm the 
groom!
n opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of 
flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, 
that it expressed Deepest Sympathy.
While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was 
the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.
Oh, it's alright. said the storekeeper. I'm a businessman 
and I understand how these things can happen.
But, added the florist, I accidentally sent your card to 
a funeral party.
Well, what did it say? ask the storekeeper. 
'Congratulations on your new location'. was the reply. 


[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]