Thanksgiving Divorce A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this," She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way." No Thanksgiving Dinner Tis the night before Thanksgiving and all through our house No turkey is baking; I feel like a louse, For I am all nestled, so snug in my bed; I'm not gettin' up and I'm not bakin' bread. No pies in my oven, no cranberry sauce Cuz I give the orders, and I am the boss. When out in the kitchen, there arose such a clatter I almost got up to see what was the matter. As I drew in my head and was tossing around To the bed came my husband, he grimaced, he frowned. And laying his finger aside of his nose, He scared me to death and I thought, "Here he goes!" He spoke not a word as he threw back my quilt And the look that he gave was intended to wilt. So up to the ceiling my pillows he threw I knew I had had it, his face had turned blue. "You prancer, you dodger, you're lazy, you vixen Out yonder in kitchen, Thanksgiving you're fixin." But he heard me explain, with my face in a pout: "I'm just plain too tired and we're eating out!" Ode to Thanksgiving To our national birds The American Eagle The Thanksgiving Turkey May one give us peace in all our states And the other a piece for all our plates What is the difference between a chicken and a turkey? Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving!! How many turkeys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one but it takes 5 hours Did you hear about the X-rated turkey? It's served with very little dressing. Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside! Twas the Nite of Thanksgiving Twas the Nite of Thanksgiving But I just couldn't sleep I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep. The leftovers beckoned - The dark meat and white But I fought the temptation With all of my might Tossing and turning With anticipation The thought of a snack Became infatuation. So, I raced to the kitchen, Flung open the door And gazed at the fridge, Full of goodies galore. Gobbled up turkey And buttered potatoes, Pickles and carrots, Beans and tomatoes. I felt myself swelling So plump and so round, 'Til all of a sudden, I rose off the ground. I crashed through the ceiling, Floating into the sky With a mouthful of pudding And a handful of pie. But, I managed to yell As i soared past the trees.... Happy eating to all - Pass the cranberries, please. May your stuffing be tasty, May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes 'n gravy Have nary a lump, May your yams be delicious May your pies take the prize, May your thanksgiving dinner Stay off of your thighs. Happy Turkey Day More Ways to be Thankful Regards.Gidd _______________________________________________________________________________ UNSUBSCRIBE or access ARSlist Archives at www.arslist.org Platinum Sponsor:[email protected] ARSlist: "Where the Answers Are"
