Re: For a Change of Pace, an Angry Book Review
I can't help the person who's just wondering why people read porn, some things you just gotta work out for your own self. But I'd like to help them maybe figure out the issues in the review.
Suppose you're watching a romance movie, you know, one of those Hallmark Christmas movies, or like me you're subjected to one because you're in the room eating supper while it's on. Now the plot of this movie is that J. Random Woman is returning to her small town home, and J. Random Friend is there, and OMG they had this thing back in high school, but it went wrong, but they're back around each other again, and boy howdy do they still have feelings for each other. OK, we're all on the same page?
So, in this movie, they're getting back together, because that's what kind of movie this is. But in the first version, the problem was that J. Random Friend took J. Random Cheerleader to the dance, and J. Random Woman got all upset and left town and didn't communicate to J. Random Friend at all. This gets resolved when we find out that J. Random Enemy told J. Random Friend that J. Random Woman was going to the dance with somebody else already. It was all a big misunderstanding, and once they finally talked about it, it gets fixed pretty quickly, and they can get back together again, even after all these years, because that's the kind of movie we're in, stay tuned for the sequel, An Apple Cider Wedding.
OK, now for the second version. What I didn't tell you about yet is that her family runs the town's cider-making business, and the whole town hinges on the fall tourism, because their cider's just like, so yummy and so totally the best, like seriously you guys you just won't believe how awesome it is, people fly in from all fifty states and everything! So in the first version her mom tells her that it was all a misunderstanding, and they should go patch it up, it was back when they were young and dumb and they're both adults now, and true love knows no bounds and the good heart must be held within four hands and biscuits never rise on a Sunday, you know, whatever fake small-town platitudes Hallmark makes up to keep its viewers.
However, in the second version, J. Random Friend, let's call him Skippy, Skippy's bad. Like, not just kind of bad, he's real bad. And because her parents won't let her come out and see him one night, he sets fire to their cider house. It burns to the ground. They struggle for years. The town declines. Things might never be the same again just because bad boy Skippy couldn't control his dumb teenage anger. Now they're finally gonna start having the great cider festival again, the festival that was the town's heart, that they haven't had in years, but who knows if they can pull it off?
She left the town because she always wanted to be a fancy New York lawyer, but also because she can send money back to help her parents. However, when she gets back to town, she meets Skippy, he apologizes, and that's that, get ready for the sequel, An Apple Cider Wedding. See how that's unsatisfying? I mean, Skippy did some real damage here. That's not the kind of thing that should be resolved with "hey sorry", "oh OK, let's get married"! Mind you, I'm not saying one of those movies wouldn't actually do that, in fact I'm pretty sure ten or twenty of them actually have, well maybe not, burning something down is pretty racy for Hallmark.
My point is, in version two, which I'm going to call "Cider Fire: The Juicy Apple-scented Quickening" just to be as ridiculous as possible, they've got some real issues to work through, or they should. Having both versions resolve in the same way and at the same pace, sorry version one you're too damn cookie-cutter to get a funny name, should strike most thinking people as either ridiculous, or as bad storytelling at the very least, because "Cider Fire: The Juicy Apple-scented Quickening" left out a hell of a lot of stuff to get to the same place in the same time as version one, the dumb movie that not only dare not speak its name, it's too dumb to even deserve a name.
Sure they're both doing the same thing, J. Random Woman thought she wanted to be a New York fancy pants lawyer but, per the Hallmark movie code she realizes that all cities are soulless husks that are simply traps to suck out your vital juices for their own nefarious purposes. she needs to get back to her awesome small town because only people who live in small towns are *real* people, also per the code, and be with her first love, again see Hallmark movie code, I think it's section seven or thereabouts.
But they shouldn't be doing it in the exact same way, see above, because Skippy, A.K.A. "the Cider Fire Quickenner", the redeemed villain of "Cider Fire: The Juicy Apple-scented Quickening", did something that was actually pretty bad. It wasn't just some simple misunderstanding everybody let get blown out of proportion because they were too dumb to actually communicate with each other. J. random Woman should still be pissed at Skippy, A.K.A. The Cider Fire Quickenner, and Skippy, A.K.A. The Cider Fire Quickenner, should be agonizing to J. Random Woman about how he's so sorry he ruined everything and how he's done nothing but work to save the town in the vague period of time since, that is when he finally gets to talk to J. Random Woman.
J. Random Woman should be yelling at him about the hardships he put her parents through, the lawsuits she had to fight on their behalf, how the newspapers carried the story for years and he got that dumb nickname, The Cider Fire Quickenner, and that meant her parents could never really forget the trauma, even though you'd think having to rebuild their cider house would make that pretty hard to do as well, but never mind that, this is all about Skippy, A.K.A. The Cider Fire Quickenner, and how he's just so bad, just seriously you guys, so so so so bad, and the trauma he caused J. Random Woman and her parents.
That's what we should be seeing in "Cider Fire: The Juicy Apple-scented Quickening". That's what should have to happen to get us to "An Apple Cider Wedding", which takes place at the next Great Cider Festival, which of course is wildly successful because duh, this is a Hallmark movie, weren't you paying attention? That's what we should be seeing, because that's just some of the stuff J. Random Woman, let's call her Little Apple Annie, a nickname she's always hated but will naturally come to embrace, and Skippy, A.K.A. The Cider Fire Quickenner, have to work through in order for their future marriage to be plausible, let alone actually happen and be non-specifically blissful. Assume kids who will take over the cider house and the Great Cider Festival though. That's what should have to happen to let Skippy, A.K.A. The Cider Fire Quickenner, be redeemed enough to not only marry J. Random Woman, A.K.A. Little Apple Annie, but eventually take over The Great cider Festival, lifeblood of the entire town, when her parents are too old to run it, so the year after the wedding basically.
Anyway, I hope that helps. Plus I've already written a way better story. Also, if Hallmark steals "Cider Fire: The Juicy Apple-scented Quickening" and my characters, J. Random Woman, A.K.A. Little Apple Annie, and Skippy, A.K.A. the Cider Fire Quickenner, I *will* sue. If you want to imagine that they get turned on by Skippy, A.K.A. The Cider Fire Quickenner, dumping a bushel basket of apples over J. Random Woman, A.K.A. Little Apple Annie's head though, I'm not going to stop you. I mean, if you're a fan of Hallmark movies I assume you're incapable of something that risquay, but hey, who am I to judge?
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