Re: One of the saddest documentaries I have ever watched. What do you thin
Not intending to do thread necromancy here, but I thought I'd chime in with my thoughts on this Alzheimer's disease documentary. I can't remember precisely when I saw it, but it was this exact thread which made me aware of it, so thank you RTT entertainment for bringing it to my attention.
I've always been a bit of a biology nut... though sadly I don't know or care about nearly as much of it as I should. I've always been fascinated though with psychiatry and psychology, mostly because I have issues of my own which I am trying, sometimes successfully and sometimes in vane, to understand.
In short, this documentary moved me deeply. Movies can sometimes make me cry, but with a serious matter like this, I often just bow my head in sadness and in fear. I didn't cry while watching it, but I did get a lump in my throat during certain moments and had to shut it off and take a walk around the house to distract myself. I didn't think a documentary could impact me so much, but it did, probably because my mind was receptive to every little detail. I found myself watching parts again and again, particularly spots when Malcom would say things that didn't make sense, or would babble, desperately trying to be heard and understood. It just made me sad to hear that. It's one of those things that reading words cannot convey, you actually have to hear it being recorded to feel it.
I also felt deeply for his wife Barbara, who seems to have phenomenal patience. The way malcom would have sudden outbursts of anger really concerned me. At first, I didn't understand why he was being so violent, but then I did: he was angry and felt threatened and out of control of this situation. On some basic level, he must have known what was happening, even if he couldn't talk about it, and I don't think I could've handled it much better if I were him, and that scares me. The fact that Malcom was musical and innovative before his illness just made it hit home harder for me, since I am musical and, well not exactly innovative, but i love experimenting and coming up with ideas.
This documentary reminds me of this one, the Man with the 7-second Memory, where Klive Wearing suffered immense brain damage due to a viral infection, losing his ability to create new memories and to recall many old ones. As it turns out, he was also British and also a respected musician. That documentary didn't move me as much as the alzheimers one, but it did do something to me. Perhaps the one about Klyve Wearing didn't do as much to me because his illness was related to a viral infection rather than a natural cause, so I at least have a little more power to stop myself from ending up like him; try to avoid getting serious infections. I already have to do this because of an autoimmune condition. Not saying I won't ever have a horrible infection like that, but i'm trying to reduce my chances.
The good news is that Alzheimer's doesn't run in my family. That doesn't necessarily mean I won't get it, but I'm at least not genetically predisposed to it so far as I know. But still, I am scared, probably way more scared than I should be, that I will end up with some horrendous brain problems. I have no real reason to be scared, at least not a good enough reason to start preparing for such a catastrophe, but my brain still plays tricks on me and makes me a pessimist, flashing ahead to a time 30, 40 or 50 years down the road where I am dependent on someone else for everything because my mind can't even find the words to say how much it has lost. Ironically, I'm not afraid of dying or physical ailments. So long as I can use a computer, speak and enjoy food and drink, I will probably be okay. So long as I can think for myself, carry on conversations and feel like I am useful in some way, I'll be okay. And if I die a nonviolent, non painful death, I'd take that over months of suffering. I'm nnot even afraid of what happens after I die. But take my memories and thoughts away and keep me alive to experience it slipping away bit by bit... Hell no. I'm such an intellectual person. I need my mind or else I have nothing.
I know it's completely pointless to think ahead like that. Especially when I'm not even in my middle years yet. There's no reason to dwell on it. But it's still scary. It makes me feel like I have to do something big and spectacular now while I still can, but I don't know what.
Ah well, maybe this was a wake-up call, to really make me think about the life I want to live, and live it to the best of my ability, rather than putting it off because it's too hard to think about. While I fully intend to enjoy the life I have and hope it is a long one, I'll probably think of this story from time to time, and use it as a reminder that I need to stop being lazy. Whether that'll actually happen though is anyone's guess.
In any case, I really needed to get this out... tbh it's been hard for me to think about anything else for days. I almost wish I had never known this documentary existed, but a part of me is still happy I've seen it.
-- Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
