Demons
I think you might know who I am but if you're wondering I'm rachel and I've been working on a project that quite a few members have been interested in. I made an alternate account because the thing I'm going to discuss here is extremely personal and I would like to leave it within the blind community itself and not affiliate my normal username with it because I think this community may be the only one that may be able to understand the problem that I am encountering.
Unlike most users here, I'm not blind. My only visual impairment is that I am slightly nearsighted, enough to be annoying and require glasses. But my interest in blindness runs extremely deep. It seems to have, through my whole life, been intertwined in my interests, so deeply rooted that it perpetuates in my thoughts with almost everything that I do.
I'm not sure why.
A few days ago, I was reading an article about people who feel uncomfortable about who they feel like i n their bodies because of their gender and while I do not suffer from that problem, it reminded me of a problem that I do suffer from, a problem that unlike that has no real clear solution, ethical or otherwise. This problem is a problem that I'm aware has existed since I was 8 years old and has persisted throughout this time since then, emerging every so often, but slowly more and more integrated into my every day life. When I was that age I had an image of myself that I wanted to achieve self harm to my eyes to eventually become who I "wanted" to be, so I stared into the sun with my right eye. I didn't do this for exceedingly long, although long enough to temporarily null out my central vision in this eye, and now it's more photosensitive than my left but not really depreciated in any way. As I got older these ideas continued to float around my mind but I would attempt to suppress them due to the consequences of such an action. An alluring, forbidden fruit of an life changing alteration that would constantly knock on my door. A pretty vicious demon, in hiding. They become more and more prevalent and it's to the point where the thought easily crosses my mind in all serious consideration once a week now. The ethical implications of what I am suggesting are immense and there is no easy answer - either way I have to deal with some form of stigmatization or internal suffering. The only way to describe it is an intense feeling of a denied existence - an existence that I must sound crazy for feeling that way, but an intense feeling nonetheless.
Reading online posts regarding this obsession of self harm of the eyes due to a conflicting self image result in extreme amounts of stigma, resulting in people almost acting as if blindness is death, or if the OP is really crazy or something. What an unfortunate view that sighted people truly have of you if they believe that blinding oneself is akin to suicide and that blindness is viewed as the end of your life. I've always viewed it as a different existence, not a lack of one. Perhaps that's why people act the way that they do. I wish I could change this, but I feel powerless. Alas.
I can't really defend these feelings at all. If anyone wants to think I'm totally insane or selfish, that's their problem, but the fears of others is something that makes me so afraid of myself. I'll be honest - I'd rather give what I have to someone who lost it than just take it alone, and this, among fears of stigmatization, is what has prevented me in the past, and will likely cause me to continue. This obsession has made me aware of this honestly illogical way that people perceive blindness, and after meeting Kyle (the original blindie as I call him affectionately) I learned how to channel these frankly completely illogical wishes into a form of interest and understanding. This is why I affiliate myself with the community. But it's not a patch, since the problem simply grows. I'm at the point that this patch can no longer hide the issue. I need to let it out.
I try to externalize my feelings into a form of protection of the blind community. I cannot and will never be able to touch all bases in the community and I know there are some people who may not even like me, and well, just like anyone else that's honestly really to be expected. But I turn these feelings of incorrectness into a way to teach people and educate them, to absorb as much information as possible about your issues and to help show people of all different kinds on how to improve your lives. I know that I'm only one person but if I can have even just one person understand then that's one person who has changed.
But the disturbing trend is that I realized that people are not invested in this way of thinking. I'm not asking them to take on my burdens, but they seem to play the "well that's just sad&qu ot; treatment and forget about it. It's viewed as a pity and nothing else. It's very disappointing. I return to my blind friends to find solace. You all have been so wonderful to me. I'm blessed to have such an accepting community support my endeavours, be it a video game or my own personal problems. All I want for you guys is to fulfill your independence and destroy the moronic and manageable roadblocks in your way. I know that I'm not the best but to be able to share my favourite video game with you guys is one of the most enlightening and fulfilling things that I have ever done in my life, not out of charity, but out of respect for your existence.
My obsession with understanding is often viewed by outsiders as "worrisome", as if I am preparing for something. Some even presume that I have some sort of condition... In a sense, I am preparing, because I understand that one day that my logic will not be able to defeat these feelings anymore and I w ill become so uncomfortable with my condition that I will have been cornered. My condition is that my mind refuses to accept who I was born as.
I think as I got closer to some blindies such as my Mr. Kyle and his friends and others, they sort of realized there was something different about me. I was suggested from him that perhaps I was blind in a past life, without even telling him these feelings. I don't know how he knew those feelings existed, I can't remember telling him before that point. But he knew. Some of my other friends have claimed that I feel like talking to someone who is blind themselves or that somehow I "get it". And I don't "get" everything, I'm never going to "get" everything until that day finally comes, but it's almost as if you guys understand this segment of me without even having to say it. I have to give you guys a lot of credit though - you seem to "get it" with me back.
Somehow yo u guys understand me, and I finally feel not alone around you guys. I've always had trouble understanding other people and their problems because of an existing, unrelated condition, but the blind have never been a problem for me, and I think this shows through my closest friends. To me you all are a subject of interest, admiration and strength. Please never ever let anyone tell you otherwise. People may claim they'd rather be dead than blind but you all know that it's not a means to an end, and, despite my position being fairly unique,
No, I don't think I'm going to hurt myself anytime soon. Please don't worry, because I promise everyone here that I'm going to be fine. I'm a very very strong person. I can't go do anything when I have open shoelaces. And I absolutely promise that the worst I would ever do to myself is take away my own vision. This has nothing to do with hopelessness or fear or anything of that sort. Don't even think I'll end my own life, because despite this extreme challenge I'm honestly the happiest that I've ever been in my life in these last 2 years, and I owe it to all of you, in all of your different quirks and flavours. This epiphany has only indicated to me that I need to receive help for what's going on in my mind. It's not a form of depression or anxiety, even though I suffer from both, because these thoughts literally come from nowhere and are rooted in self perception. It's not a punishment. It's just something that I know that will eventually consume me if I stand back and do nothing and just let it grow. When I try to help others, I notice that it's hard to face a problem that is viewed as scary so we try to hide our demons behind a shadow, regardless of how bad it really is. I don't know where my desire is rooted in. I think we all know that I'm not crazy, and I hope that even the realization of these demons that this still doesn't make me viewed as crazy. I'm a fully stable individual who has managed having a full time job, school, living on one's own, a personal life and a side project for the last 10 months successfully. I don't think someone who was truly mentally unstable or unsound would be capable of pulling that off. But some demons need to be exposed to the light.
I have major respect for the blind community and it's continual support for me, despite our differences. That's a lot more than can be said about other disability communities. I'm autistic and the autism community has thrusted me out because I don't agree with a lot of their ideas regarding independence, and they continually to erase me and my entire history in the name of their "activism". But the blind community has continually been accepting. So I ask this much, that even though my words may frighten or even hurt some of you due to the implications, that you at least try to understand, that it has nothing rooted in selfishness or self loathing or anger, but rather considerable admiration of both what you guys go through and what your existence entails.
I love you all. Please take care. I just need time to collect myself and accept this part of me. I spent a decade and a half trying to hide it from myself until I couldn't hide anymore. I'll be okay. Please don't worry, I'll be back in a few days and back to my normal self.
_______________________________________________ Audiogames-reflector mailing list Audiogames-reflector@sabahattin-gucukoglu.com https://sabahattin-gucukoglu.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/audiogames-reflector
