disturbing nightmares
First off, I don't really expect to get any help by posting this here. This has been going on for quite a while now and while it's disturbing, I seem to have gotten used to it as much as one can to this sort of thing. I've Googled around and there don't seem to be people who experience my exact set of problems, or at least no one posts about it if they do. I haven't posted to a dedicated psychology forum because I doubt I'd get any real answers, and I don't expect to get any here; I just need to get this out, so feel free to stop reading if you've got something better to do.
This is not something I normally like to talk about, but since this forum is relatively anonymous I might as well.
I will say that I've had other weird mental experiences throughout my life, and while I can explain most of them away intellectually, emotionally I wonder if there may be something more going on. Without going into detail, members of my family
have dealt with onsets of sudden mental problems in the past, and one of my biggest fears in life is that something of that nature might happen to me. Also from what I gather, my thought process is not exactly normal (I'm using that word loosely) so this may just be a part of my psychological makeup.
Since 2011 I've started having these episodes where I'll fall asleep, have a short nightmare that lasts fifteen or so minutes, and then wake up. This usually happens when I drift off after I've been having trouble getting to sleep. There's no consistency in the content of the dreams, but the thing that differentiates them from regular dreams is this total feeling of absolute wrongness, as if reality itself has been contaminated. That sounds cheesy, but it's the only way I can describe it. They vary widely, and some wouldn't be bad dreams at all if it weren't for this feeling. For example, once I simply dreamed that I had fallen asleep at my
computer or something, and I was trying to figure out if I was in bed or a chair, and possibly moving between the two, also my bluetooth headset was involved. Another time about a year ago I dreamed I was in the house I'd just moved out of, on the floor between the head of a bunk bed and a wall, possibly looking for something under the bed. Throughout all of these dreams I feel this sick horror or dread, and upon waking up, it's irritating if nothing else; a couple times it's gotten to the point where I've simply avoided sleeping almost all night if I'm not tired, and dealing with the consequences the next day. Sometimes it sneaks up on me when I am tired, and so I now approach sleep, which I'd normally look forward to at the end of the day, with a degree of trepidation. All my life, I've always been curious about what that night's dreams would bring, but as of late, even excluding these particular episodes, my dreams have taken a serious turn
to the negative. And yes, I've tried all the standard suggestions, thinking positive thoughts etc, but nothing seems to work.
The onset of these dreams seems to have been somewhat gradual; I recall a similar one back in 2010, and there might've been more I've forgotten, but I can pinpoint the exact day (and time) they started occurring frequently. Strangely enough, that first one was milder than subsequent ones, and it started just a bit after I started looking into lucid dreaming. They don't seem to be going away and I fear they'll get worse. Also if anyone is thinking to ask, 1) I don't believe this is sleep paralysis, and 2) yes, I've tried to use this feeling, being that it's a recurring dream sign, to attain lucidity, with not much success. It seems that whenever the topic of lucid dreaming comes up in a dream, it just gets incorporated into the plot of the dream. I think that if I were able to become lucid I might be able to deal w
ith it better, but the few times I think I may have been at least semi-lucid I'd be afraid and sometimes terrified of what my own mind might throw at me, and desperately try to wake myself up. I don't just want to be able to do that; I want this to stop.
And that is all
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