Re: Monthly chat January 2015
Since this topic's been quiet for a while, I figured I'd post this for some entertainment.
It's an assignment I did for psychology class, in which you create a parody of a fairy tale that deals with mental illnesses and uses psychological terms; mine was a very loose parody of Snow White. It's quite ridiculous, and intentionally so. Enjoy.
Once upon a time, in the town of Schizoid, there lived a very average-looking girl named Snow White. She was given this not uncommon name because when she was born, her mother, a meteorologist (who also happened to be the queen of the town) looked up at the sky, saw nothing, said “snow! aaarrrrggh!” and fell into a catatonic state from which she would never awaken, only moving to eat every few days and mumble indistinctly about random things like french fries, orchids, and electrically charged potatoes, but most of all something she called “catatonic schizophrenia,” and how she was oh so very glad she did not have it. The king, being a strong believer in fair treatment for everyone, disowned both mother and child. And so, as the attending doctor was extremely literal-minded, the new child's name was said to be Snow Aaarrrrggh White.
This creature proved to be one of the most unique the town had ever seen. No one much cared for her, so she wandered from house to house, becoming more convinced every day both that she was the rightful queen in exile and that the current queen was out to kill her.
Meanwhile, the king of the town remarried. The new queen was so stunningly ugly that some fortunate souls were said to have immediately died in fear after only a glimpse of her face. This was a blessing for them, as they would never had to see it again. She loved to show off in the streets, and spent hours simply looking in the mirror at her face, reflecting upon how gorgeous she was and that most people, if they could truly be considered such, were so far below her in every way that acknowledging their existences was more trouble than it was worth.
One day while looking at her reflection in the mirror, it suddenly disappeared. In it's place was the ugliest face she had ever laid eyes upon. Nonetheless, her mirror growing a face did not seem at all odd to her.
“Yo, how's it goin'?” asked the mirror. “Go away,” she replied petulently. “No,” it said. “You suck, and your face gets uglier by the second.”
The queen, enraged, threw the mirror, where it hit her sleeping husband on the head and shattered. “Ow,” he said. “Shut up!” snapped the queen. “This mirror just told me I'm ugly.” “You are ugly, honey,” he replied. “That's why I married you.” “Wait, the mirror was talking to you? I think you might have something called paranoid schizo-- no, wait, that's what that Snow White girl has. I think you've got generalized schizophrenia and nar--” The king has now played his role in this narrative and will not be discussed further, except to say that he was never heard from again; the details of his demise are irrelevant.
Some time later, as the queen was mourning the loss of her beloved mirror, the ugly face from before reappeared, looking exactly as it had on the mirror. It belched, then continued. “Anyway, you're the ugliest human being I've ever seen. But there's an easy fix. Go out into town tomorrow, and instead of shouting about how beautiful you are, sing about how much you love your mirror-face. Then at nightfall, name me king.” Not wanting to accede to the mirror-face's demand, the queen nevertheless didn't like anyone thinking of her as anything but gorgeous, so, after a moment of thought, she agreed. The face smiled. “Good, good. Excellent. Now, about that Snow White girl...” The one with that paranoid schizo-thing my late husband mentioned? What of her?” “Yes, that's the one. Weeeeeeell, you see:.” Suddenly, there was a small “Ding!” sound that seemed to come from between her ears, and the face vanished. The queen, furious anew, screamed for hours and shaved off all her hair, then dyed it pink and threw it away. No one dared interupt her, but after some time another apparition appeared in front of her, this time a fully formed man. “Your ugliness, I must speak with you,” he said deferentially. “Do not address me in that manner!” screamed the queen. “Of course, your Majesty,” he said. “I am, after all, only a manifestation of your mind. Possibly being generated by the enlarged ventricle chambers in your brain. Anyway, I'm here to tell you that you're mentally ill. You have severe narcissistic personality disorder, and generalized schizophrenia.” Not understanding what that meant, the queen nodded. “And what about that Snow White person?” “I don't know, I'm only in your head. Perhaps you should eat her brain or something.” (Human brain was considered a delicacy in the town.)“Oh, and you should name me king too,” he added, then disappeared.
That night, the queen anounced the town's two new invisible kings. She, of course, was still the most powerful. When drawing sketches to show the town and as preparation for building statues, many noticed, but none dared to point out, how similar both “kings” looked to the queen.
This is it, Snow White, watching from a distance, thought to herself. The queen's gone crazy, and the whole town's crazy, and now she's going to eat my brain! Sure enough, after prancing around for a while, she noticed Snow White and licked her lips. The whole town said “mmmmm.”
As any good citizen of Schizoid knows, before one actually removes and eats the brain, a lobotomy must be performed. No one knows why, but it's been a tradition since time began. The queen grabbed Snow White, who could do nothing but close her eyes in order not to spontaneously die from looking directly at her face. The town's well-renowned lobotomician stepped out of his shop with a spike, and approached them, swaying on his feet and walking erratically all over the sidewalk. “This might, y'know, kind of, sort of hurt a little bit, y'know?” he said, giggling. He spoke slowly and looked very intelligent. Oh well, thought Snow White. At least I won't have to do that assignment on childhood separation anxiety. He lifted the spike, looked at it, said “yep,” and drove it through his eye. “uhh, whoops,” he said, and fell dead. Snow White, seizing her chance, ran for her life. She never looked back, and must've run for at least twenty-four hours.
When she finally stopped running, she was in front of a little shack that stood about four feet tall. Going inside, she found seven incredibly short people, each one no more than four feet in height. “So you're that crazy girl we've heard so much about, said an incredibly fat one, getting to his feet. “Well, you're in luck! I'm a licensed biological psychiatrist! Licensed by none other than myself, isn't that fantastic? We're all crazy here, myself included, so you'll fit right in!” One of the others tapped the wall nervously. Four taps with four fingers. Pause. Four taps with the same fingers. The same set of four taps on another hand. “Well, I'm Snow White,” she said tentatively. “Now your schizo!” the psychiatrist said, clapping his hands. “Don't you all have names?” she asked. “We must've, another one said, “but we all forgot them. Collective amnesia.” This one had eyes that didn't seem to see anything. Snow White looked away. But for him, it was love at first sight. “So,” the psychiatrist said, gesturing around the room at it's occupants. “I'm your glorious leader. This one's got obsessive compulsive disorder, which can actually be pretty useful out here, and this one's blind. He's just weird. And this is your mom, if you remember her.” Snow White hadn't noticed before, but her mother was, indeed, sitting at the far side of the room, unmoving. “Boom!” she shouted, thrashing about for a few seconds, then going still again. Snow White couldn't have cared less. The other three serve no purpose, and thus will remain anonymous. Forget about them.
“Alright!” barked the fat psychiatrist, clapping his hands again. “As we were discussing, the queen of that little schizophrenic town back there is insane, and not just your average town crazy. If she remains in power, she'll inevitably come to eat our brains. Mentally ill brains are delicious, I hear. So, we will attempt to treat her illness. There's a magic potion in one of the caves around here called Thorazine, which I believe will do the trick. We're going to go get it!” He clapped his hands yet again, which Snow White was beginning to find incredibly irritating. “OCD, Schizo and I will go.” Gesturing at the blind one, then the others - “he's terrified of dark places and the rest of you don't do anything.”
And off they went. They found the cave easily, and located the magical potion without a hitch. The only trouble came when they were exiting the cave, after the guy they called “OCD,” had checked their tracks exactly sixty-four times. A furry, clawed thing that also seemed to be able to fly popped out of a cluster of rocks. It screeched, and before anyone could react, it grabbed OCD and flew away, ttrailing screaming and crunching sounds. Snow White and Psychiatrist ran for their lives... right up until he fell down a chasm in the ground that had spontaneously opened in front of them. It closed a few seconds later. Frightened out of her mind, Snow White kept running and miraculously got back to the shack, with only a few birds dive bombing her on the way.
But as she got near, a horrible sight met her eyes. The queen, without notifying anyone, had secretly tracked Snow White as she fled, and took off in pursuit a day or so later. She now approached the shack riding a small dog. When she saw Snow White she said “mmmm! Brains!” and pulled out a very long stick made of metal. Snow white got the little tablets that supposedly contained the “Thorazine” thing. “Yo, your ugliness,” she said, trying to keep her tone as polite as possible. I've got some more food you might want to eat first. The queen, being very foolish, took the tablets and ate them. “Doesn't taste much like your brain,” she whined. She whacked Snow White over the head with the stick, and then promptly sat down on the ground and began rocking back and forth. She pulled out a mirror. “[[wow]],” she said in awe. “I am sooooo hot.” She remains there, admiring herself, to this day. Meanwhile, Snow white lay unconscious on the ground. Eventually, out from the shack came the blind one. He found Snow White on the ground, and she would not awaken, for the queen had cursed her as well. She lay there for days, and thinking she was gone, he was overcome with grief. But then he had an idea. Getting his electric guitar, he played a magical progressive metal solo that could be heard for miles around. When it was done, Snow White opened her eyes, but in her confusion saw the evil lobotomician standing over her. Thinking fast, she grabbed the queen's stick, which was lying nearby, and whacked him as hard as she could. And that is the end of our last supporting character. “Ah well,” Snow White said, and headed back to town. When she arrived she was hailed as a hero and elected queen. She also started her own psychiatry practice, and distributed Thorazine to anyone who wanted it. And so, Snow White and the town of Schizoid lived... slightly better than before.
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