David, It seems to me that one of the values of 'engagement' and its briefish period in Baha'i Law, is so that commitment can be ensured on the one hand but, if not forthcoming, neither party is restricted from other prospects for too long a period, on the other. Stages of relationships toward marriage might be: 1 multiple friendships of both genders and across age groups, developed through community activity eg study, business, arts, service, worship. 2. developing an ability to assess the characters of those friends. 3. recognising deeper feelings for a member of the opposite gender. 4. (the difficult bit) speaking with that other to ascertain whether any similar feelings might exist; 5. confiding with other friends and family about each other's interest so as to create avenues for occasions of getting to know more fully the character of each other, through privacy and confidences; 6. engagement if it gets that far.
I think courtship in the Baha'i Faith covers all of these stages for any Baha'i over the age of maturity (15) and that it should be explicitly understood in the community that much behaviour that youth exhibit is automatically going to be related to courtship behaviour. Youth over this age therefore require constant guidance and support about their relationships with the other gender. Touching and much body language is, even if subconciously, part of courtship behaviour, and shouldn't be condoned until stage 5, and then only discreetly. Certainly we can do with some courses on courtship behaviours, how to recognise them, and what to do about them. Especially as they often happen among the older youth as well(the over 50s). We all want those grandchildren. We just want them under the best of circumstances. Regards Owen -----Original Message----- From: [EMAIL PROTECTED] [mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] On Behalf Of David Friedman Sent: Sunday, 27 July 2003 9:04 PM To: Baha'i Studies Subject: Baha'i courtship I am interested to know how courtship might be seen from a Baha'i standpoint. My understanding is that relationships don't have to be 'official' before engagement. There doesn't have to be any mention of being boyfriend and girlfriend or any sort of committment made. It could be the case that there were times when feelings were made obvious, but I don't know that there has to be anything prior to engagement that would make it clear that they like each other as more than just friends. I have heard of many cases where Baha'i friends suddenly announced their engagement. The idea of "going steady" doesn't sound Baha'i to me, because, as I understand, it implies that you don't do things with other people of the opposite sex even as friends. Not being able to see someone else of the opposite sex and do activities just as a friend seems a selfish request. I would think that prior to when you become engaged (or at least the moment you decide someone is the person for you, and that you want to be with them for the rest of your life) NO COMMITTMENT should be made. Relationships today often involve some sort of committment in a relationship at a time when the couple have not settled on each other as their spouse. My understanding is that as a Baha'i the only committment should be to marriage. Prior to becoming convinced that a particular person is good enough, anyone of the opposite sex is still in the running, and it may be that your potential spouse turns out not to cut the mustard. I don't see how a committment could have any meaning for a Baha'i. If you are committing to someone it's like you owe them something, but if you don't know that you'll want to marry them, what are you committing to? I'm not entirely sure that exclusive relationships, i.e. "couples," where there is a girlfriend and a boyfriend, is what is required of Baha'is. Since I don't see what someone who is merely a potential spouse is owed, I don't know that a relationship involving two people is a requirement. I think that a person could see more than one person of the opposite sex. The problem here is that in society today it's probably going to be assumed to be "a date" if one asks one of the opposite sex if they want to do something. If it's taken as a date it would also be taken as the usual boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. If the person who asked then asks someone else to do something, it could get back to the other person, who might then see the person as being unfaithful. I don't think that would be the problem of the person who asked. I guess it's just how things are today. Having said this, if one were becoming pretty certain that a particular person was good enough to marry it would not be the best time to ask another person of the opposite sex to do something. The former could be good enough, and it could give rise to misunderstandings and result in a split. Anyway, I'm not sure that a "relationship," defined in the normal way, is the way to go. Such involve "romance," with sultry looks, roses, and talk about how they are the best thing you ever came across, and how you were nobody before you met them. I'm not quite sure what Baha'i romance is supposed to be like, or when it is allowed. I'm sure you are allowed to tell a person you love them prior to engagement, and I don't see any objection to flowers or chocolates. I'm not sure how, without doing something dishonest that would mislead people (like asking two people of the opposite sex to be your boyfriend/girlfriend, which they are going to take to mean that they have a unique relationship with you that no one else has), a Baha'i would be unfaithful by seeing two people at once. As I see it, prior to engagement the two can be considered friends. I think the implication today is that on becoming boyfriend and girlfriend neither should be looking out for others. It could happen that someone else better presents themself, but you would not be trying to look for others. From a Baha'i standpoint I don't know that it would be the same if two people started seeing each other. If it's not an exclusive relationship, and the two really don't know if the other person will be good enough, they can have their eyes wide open to others they might see. Just my take on the issue. No doubt I'll receive some useful replies on this. Regards, David _________________________________________________________________ Surf the net and talk on the phone with Xtra Jetstream @ http://www.xtra.co.nz/products/0,,5803,00.html ! ---------- You are subscribed to Baha'i Studies as: mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] To unsubscribe send a blank email to mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] Baha'i Studies is available through the following: mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] http://list.jccc.net/cgi-bin/lyris.pl?enter=bahai-st news://list.jccc.net/bahai-st http://www.escribe.com/religion/bahaist (public) http://www.mail-archive.com/[EMAIL PROTECTED] (public) ---------- You are subscribed to Baha'i Studies as: mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] To unsubscribe send a blank email to mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] Baha'i Studies is available through the following: mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] http://list.jccc.net/cgi-bin/lyris.pl?enter=bahai-st news://list.jccc.net/bahai-st http://www.escribe.com/religion/bahaist (public) http://www.mail-archive.com/[EMAIL PROTECTED] (public)
