HSE to All of Paris: A Warning!

[Peter T Davies]

My dear Sirs,   Once again, I find myself in receipt of secret reports concerning dealings with rival nations. Without further ado, let me pass on their contents, in order to safeguard ourselves against that most cunning of our natural enemies - the hated English! The report reads ... In a response to English pleading for greater ties with the superior French nation, certain eminent French diplomats recently traversed La Manche to engage in highly secretive talks. Arriving at Dover (in what the English mistakenly call a harbour), they surreptitiously travelled cross country to a large marquee where the negotiations would transpire. This large canvas structure had been specially erected for the talks, probably to hide English embarrassment at their poor architecture.   The slow-witted English were no match for the keen minds of the naturally sharper French intellects, and they quickly tired, and sought opportunity for some repast. English cuisine is of course legendary, yet nevertheless, our French ambassadors still managed to keep it all down! However, wishing to keep clear heads, they chose to make a supreme gesture, and refused any alcohol with their meals (although, noting the English inability to produce anything resembling real wine, this may not have been such a great sacrifice).   It was at this point that the English produced a peculiar fruit drink, which they alleged was alcohol-free. The trusting French diplomats, as men of integrity and honour, assumed their hosts were men of their word, and willingly imbibed great quantities of this liquid. Alas! It was a treacherous English ruse, and the believing French politicians were soon inebriated. The shameful English then removed all the diplomats' bodily hair, leaving them in a state of shame and ridicule for many days.   In response to this, my fellow Frenchman, I implore you that our glorious nation should never again have anything whatsoever to do with this ...   ... en tent cordial!   Yours, for the glory of France!   Henri Serf-Edly, Captain and Regimental Adjutant, Garnd Duke Max Dragoons   DISCLAIMER: I have done everything in my power to check the veracity of this report. In NO way is it intended to reflect poorly upon ANY of those noble and gifted men who presently undertake any political responsibilities in Paris now, or in the past. This report merely seeks to manifest the cowardly and reprehensible behavious of the hated English, and in no way maligns the honour of any French person, and is therefore not the basis for any duel! In fact, I take no responsibility for anything in this report (apart from the awful last line!). Henri.