The Supreme Court of Florida has instructed me to post the following to
ensure strict balance in these turbulent times.
DECLARATION OF ANNEXING THE BRITISH ISLES AS PART OF THE USA
To the imperialist British colonizers.
In the light of your indecision over joining a common European Currency,
your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European
Governments and the fact that you already almost speak our language and
refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a
State of America. Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to
replace your old postal districts. The state capital will be
Stratford-upon-Avon which is a lot prettier than London. Princess Diana
will be declared a saint. You have already assimilated so much American
culture that you are unlikely to notice the transition. To aid in the
assimilation, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. Look up "aluminum" in any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling
and pronunciation guide. We discovered it, we named it, you are
mispronouncing it. Learn to live with it. You are, of course welcome to
your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names such as Edinburgh, if you
wanted it pronounced 'Eddinburra' you have spelled it that way in the first
place. You will quit using words such as "fortnight". The correct term is
"a two week period". You will learn words such as "credenza", "intern" and
"chad".
2. There is no such thing as "UK English". UK English is the relic of a
defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English
linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English
speakers.
3. Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian
accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York
accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in
our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially
those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse or Geordie. To
make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs
must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear
plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, Welsh characters will
not be used since we don't have Welsh Americans, and English characters
will wear bowler hats and pinstripes.
4. The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as
cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires. Hollywood
will continue to use "Mockney" and "Posh" British accents as this makes it
easier for viewers to identify which characters are British. You can have
Hugh Grant back. He's a lousy actor and we don't want him either. All
British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are
better. Your film industry is already unable to make a halfway-decent film
which doesn't contain a American in the starring role. All American
characters should be 'good guys'.
5. You will learn your new national anthem "The Star Spangled Banner". It
shall be sung every morning at kindergarten, high school, university and
your places of work. Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way we wish
so stop bitching about it being upside down. If there was meant to be a
right way up you should have made it simpler. All Union flags will be
replaced by the Stars and Stripes over a 12 month period of time.
6. You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have two
games, one of which is confusingly like Football and one of which is called
football but patently isn't real football. If it doesn't require 45 pounds
of padding, it isn't football. You should also stop playing cricket.
Americans can't understand the rules. If you insist on playing this game
which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a
simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored strips and cheerleaders to
make it more interesting. Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will
be declared a draw.
7. In films, as in real life, we decide who the bad guys are. The bad guys
are those guys who don't do as we tell them. They are also the guys who
attract the biggest audiences into movie theaters. You will cease using the
word "cinema". They are "movie theaters". The snippets of forthcoming films
are not "trailers" they are "teasers".
8. November 5th is no longer a day for fireworks. July 4th is the
appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on
November 5th, we will help you to blow up your Houses of Parliament. You
won't be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated there.
Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned. Instead, you will go hunting
with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of beer, two coonhounds and enough
guns and ammo to equip a private militia. There is also no such activity as
"caravanning". It is properly called "camping". The thing boy scouts do
with tents and bedrolls is called "tenting".
9. Roundabouts will be banned. What is the point of turning left in order
to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps. You
will start driving on the right with immediate effect. Most of the world
drives on the right already. You will be allowed to turn right on a red
light if safe to do so though you must check local county legislation as
this is not permitted in all areas.
10. Those things which you call chips are cholesterol-soaked abominations.
You will start to eat fries - light fluffy potato in crisp coating. If you
want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a certificate
from your doctor and good medical insurance. Beer is to be served cold. The
warm, flat drink you call beer is properly termed 'ale' and the FDA have
determined it to be unfit for human consumption. You will also learn the
difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing
unnecessary confusion to mainland Americans.
11. All inter-personal communications between family members, even if
resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory to
sue somebody at least once per year - be inventive. It is compulsory to
have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your
childhood which allow you to sue your parents and/or your therapist.
Therapy will take the place of speaking to family members. You will be
given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional. Name your children
after interesting medical conditions.
12. You will not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are
wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless
they have a legitimate reason to do so i.e. they plan to gun down the
population of a small town (self-defense) or slaughter every living
creature within a mile radius (hunting).
Thank you for your co-operation. You will be assimilated.
