Hi all,
My father passed away Wednesday night after a six month bout with brain
cancer. His passing has spurred a few thoughts I wanted to share with you,
if you're interested. I apologize in advance if this rambles or strikes any
of you as inappropriate. If it does, again, I'm sorry. But there may be a
point to it all at the end. And maybe writing a bit will focus a few things
for me as well...
The cliches about the preciousness of time abound. But like many aphorisms,
there's usually some truth lurking at the bottom of them.
My father and I were never close, just as he and his father weren't, and
beyond. He was away from home five out of seven days, driving a truck, and
on weekends, he had little time or patience for the antics of three
rambunctious children. Oh, he was never bad to us, or anything. And he
tried, sometimes, to get involved, whether through Little League or Boy
Scouts or whatever. But his job prevented him from truly being a part of
those things. I have only a couple of memories of the two of us really
spending time together.
When he and my mother split, I saw even less of him. It's unfortunate, all
that time wasted. And you always think that there'll be more. I did my
best to at least have him know his grandchildren, and I think that it raised
his spirits over the past few years.
But I know that he was an unhappy man most of the last ten years. I think
it weighed on him that he had tossed away so much time. That his children
couldn't really be bothered with him, though he rarely made much effort to
fix that either. Possibly he felt that he didn't have the right. I don't
know.
So the service is tomorrow, and I still don't know how I feel about it all.
I feel like I should feel worse than I do, but in some ways, well, it's like
the passing of someone who was more acquaintance than someone from whom I
know I inhereited my appearance and some mannerisms. I know that sounds
awful. I know it ought to not be that way. But it is.
And I wonder, did I learn anything from Dad? Yes. Yes, I think I did,
actually, and it's something I want to impress upon any of you who hope to
be parents, but especially fathers because I think we're more prone to it.
Be there for your kids. No matter what. Even if you're, like me, currently
the only income, it's still not more important than time. Your children
need your time, more than anything else. Don't go to your grave wondering
if any of them care.
I learned a lesson from Dad that he wouldn't have known how to teach if you
asked him. I learned how to be a father.
Thanks for reading. I'm sorry for being so far OT.
Jim
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