--- Steve Sloan II <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote: > Robert Seeberger wrote: > > > THE spoof Google search doing the rounds in > Washington, DC, > > runs: "Your search-French military victories-did > not match > > any documents. No pages were found. Did you mean > French > > military defeats?" An affable Frenchman might > merely find > > it odd that Napoleon is unknown in America, > despite selling > > a chunk of it to Jefferson, but other barbs will > hurt. > > OK, how about French military victories *not* led by > the > guy who started a World War before the term was > invented... > or maybe, solo French victories where the French > were the > good guys?
The Complete Military History of France * Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. * Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." * Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians. * Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots * Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her. * War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux. * The Dutch War - Tied * War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power. * War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since. * American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. * This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting." * French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French. * The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer. * The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night. * World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline. * World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song. * War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu * Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux. * War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's. * The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?" but rather "How long until France collapses?" I couldn't resist posting this in response to Steve's question - I've gotten it from several sources recently :-) I am confused about one thing - maybe our British readers can help out? Wellington (my favorite general) is referred to here as a "British footware designer". Now, the Blucher, a man's shoe, is named after and was sort of designed by Marshal Blucher, the Prussian General at Waterloo. I'm wearing Bluchers right now, as a matter of fact. But I'm unaware of footwear named Wellingtons (or Wellesley's, I guess) - are there boots named Wellingtons, or something like that? Gautam __________________________________________________ Do you Yahoo!? Yahoo! Tax Center - forms, calculators, tips, more http://taxes.yahoo.com/ _______________________________________________ http://www.mccmedia.com/mailman/listinfo/brin-l
