----- Original Message ----- From: <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> To: "Killer Bs Discussion" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> Sent: Sunday, November 16, 2003 7:19 PM Subject: Re: christian dreams of murder...
> In a message dated 11/16/2003 1:14:33 AM Eastern Standard Time, [EMAIL PROTECTED] writes: > > > I don't understand how parents who without boundaries suceed. I've seen > > plenty fail. I've also seen parents fail who are very strict and > > controlling. Finding the balance looks to be essential to > > me. > There is some evidence that boundries are defined as much by the kids as the parents. There is a dance >between parents and children. Some kids push and need limits so parents are strict. In one sense, I think this is totally false, but in another I would agree. I'm not sure which sense you are arguing from. Let me go back to my example. As I mentioned, one boundary that we had for our kids while they were in school was that they needed to perform in school in a manner consistant with their ability. The manner in which we handled Amy's (our eldests) schoolwork was strongly influenced by one event. Amy had a two page story she needed to write for a class (she was in Jr. High at the time.) She procrastinated until 8:30 PM the night before it was due, which was the time we found out about the assignment. She told me it was no big deal, it would take no more than an hour. I told her that was very optimistic and that I expected both of us to be up late that night. An hour later, she finished her first draft and handed it to me. It was a far better job of writing than I could do in a full day. I pointed out a couple of minor flaws, which she fixed in a couple of minutes. She proved to me that she could work things out her own way and that was it. My son Ted, on the other hand, said similar things in Jr. High. He was on top of things, and I shouldn't worry. But, he ended up pulling low Cs in courses he really should have aced. As a result, we gave him a very structured study environment, until he earned the right to have more personal control. We did that in a step by step manner. In one sense we were more strict with Ted, but in another, we had the exact same if then else conditions for each of them. They chose to act differently, and thus had different logical consequences. >Some kids are cooperative and create their own boundries. What a parent does may be determined by >the kid and not the other way around. Its certainly true that the actions taken by parents are in response to actions taken by kids. But, I was thinking more of the structure of parenting, not the individual actions, once the if then else structures are in place. Dan M. _______________________________________________ http://www.mccmedia.com/mailman/listinfo/brin-l
