Mary has made some very valid points. It would be good to emphasize that this is a dance "community", and that all people should be respectful of others. Many dancers take a "no" as a personal rejection and perhaps even as disrespectful. This tends to hurt the community as a whole and often leads to cliques. My thought is that dancers should have a reason for saying no, but that reason need not be vocalized.
As an older dancer, most of the rejections I experience are from much younger ladies that do not know me yet. I tend to want to help newer dancers with their skills, and have made many new dance friends this way. I handle most rejections by remembering that many other dances seek me out as a partner. To summarize, two people are involved in a dance request, and the response should keep that in mind. On Mon, Dec 18, 2017 at 11:17 AM, Mary Collins via Callers < [email protected]> wrote: > coming late also here, Dale, so stealing your "lesson" comments. We > usually don't directly address the refusal part of the equation as we are > so short of dancers, it's usually exhaustion that sits us out! lol...saying > that...we do encourage new dancers to ask anyone (esp. those that look like > they know what they are doing) to dance. Our regular dancers are always > eager to bring them into the experience for which I am grateful. The "old" > rule used to apply and several years ago, we had a very upset dancer who > left and never returned because someone turned him down and then danced > with someone else. This particular dancer it was found, had some mental > health issues, along with size and ability issues as well and took the > refusal very personally. > > In the CDSS callers' course we discussed this and it was mentioned that > saying no, needs no explanation. Now, as a large woman (who,it has been > noted by another dancer as"...very light on your feet") I often get no's. > I try to ignore this and not take it personally, however, it often comes to > mind as I sit out more and more. Age and size do matter, unfortunately. > As we become more inclusive in our dance culture we tend to forget those of > us who raised you and brought you into this wonderful world of dance and > community. So if there is a kind, gentle way to remind dancers to ask > ANYone to dance, and to accept the invitation (if so desired) regardless of > dancer appearance or possible experience then I am all for it. Please note > this happens to me more at festivals and dances where I am less known as > organizer, dancer, caller. > > Ok way to get off on a tangent but I feel it is relevant. > > Mary Collins > > “Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass ... it's about learning > to dance in the rain!” ~ Unknown > > On Mon, Dec 18, 2017 at 10:54 AM, Luke Donforth via Callers < > [email protected]> wrote: > >> At the dances I've seen/called in and around VT, we don't address this >> directly (with signs or such). >> >> I've heard of the practice of sitting after declining, but I don't think >> it's a common practice for most folks these days. I'd say it's mostly >> fallen by the wayside. >> >> The one time I've seen it come up at a dance was more than a decade ago >> when an older male dancer castigated a young female dancer for turning him >> down and then dancing with someone else instead of sitting out. Several >> folks told her afterwards that he was rude and impertinent and she hadn't >> been in the wrong. I wish we'd taken a stronger line with him directly too >> though. I don't know if she offered an excuse or just a no, thank you. >> >> I like CD*NY's etiquette list that Alexandra linked to ( >> http://cdny.org/what-is-contra/contra-etiquette/), especially the bit >> that addresses this: >> >> *You are always free to say no when someone asks you to dance. You don’t >> have to give a reason; you can just say “No, thank you.” If you ask someone >> to dance and they say “No,” take it gracefully and move on. If someone has >> declined to dance with you, the etiquette in our community is not to ask >> that person again that same night. If they would like to dance with you, >> they can come ask you—it’s their turn to do the asking.* >> >> Adding that you shouldn't ask someone multiple times, but have put the >> ball in their court seems a polite nudge to folks on both sides >> >> Incorporating some of the other strong suggestions that have come up on >> this discussion, I might advocate our group putting up something like: >> You are always free to say no when someone asks you to dance. No reasons >> are required; a short "No, thank you.” gives that person more time to find >> a different partner. If you ask someone... >> >> Thanks for starting this discussion Kalia! It seems like one that could >> have gone on the organizers shared-weight instead of callers; but this one >> does seem to be most people's default. >> >> -- >> Luke Donforth >> [email protected] <[email protected]> >> >> _______________________________________________ >> List Name: Callers mailing list >> List Address: [email protected] >> Archives: https://www.mail-archive.com/[email protected]/ >> >> > > _______________________________________________ > List Name: Callers mailing list > List Address: [email protected] > Archives: https://www.mail-archive.com/[email protected]/ > >
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