-Caveat Lector-
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except
Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the
97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a
world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether
any
of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You
will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
"vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler
noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient
form of
communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents. It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save
The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you
to
get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only
one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a
very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside
your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.
You
will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult
game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which
is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest
every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar
body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US
rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear
weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware
that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
The
Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be
a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called
"IndecisiveDay".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is
for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
we
mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your co-operation.
.
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Let us please be civil and as always, Caveat Lector.
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