On 2009-09-30 at 12:07 -0600, Yves Dorfsman wrote: > -talk to the kid about what impact her talking to her birth parents can have > on me, and on my ability to keep her (if the police finds out, they might > remove you from me)
Be careful here, the supposition is that the child has sufficient empathy and concern for you that this argument will sway them to conform to the behaviour you deem appropriate. I've known such children. I've also known children in a messed-up family, where inept social services workers have made the situation far worse than it would have been, and in that situation the argument above is telling the child that they have power over you and so makes you manipulable. Of course, anyone you care for has some power over you, that's the nature of love, but in raising children who've been messed about it's appropriate to be cautious. Without knowing the people involved and how they'd respond, I can't offer definitive advice, and I'm not a psychologist, merely someone who as a teenager was exposed to such situations (our family was friends with the family that had the issues) and managed to do more good than harm, which is more than could be said for the SS. What I can do is point out the potential pitfall in the advice I'm responding do (check) and offer an approach to finding a solution, rather than a pre-wrapped solution. Technologies which offer trust, with the ability to confirm the trust is not being abused and where it's clear that you can carry out such checks are more likely to be successful in the long run than technologies which infantilise. Tight checks are appropriate for toddlers and small children, but part of childhood is growing up and learning to take responsibility for ones own actions. Absolute bars and blocks will be resented and worked around. If they're not worked around, you're failing as a parent to instill independence. :) Twelve year olds are able to reason and make choices. So, if in such a scenario, where an uninformed social worker has made technically impossible demands (and the ability to punish for failure to do the impossible, oh that sounds so familiar), then I'd draw up several technical proposals, order them according to the degree of control involved and then discuss them with the child, saying these are the options and what the consequences of each are, discuss it with her, let her choose an option. She'll probably aim for the most lenient, but if carefully phrased it should be clear to her that her life can be made more awkward if she messes around and that it's in her interests to try to adhere. An agreement where she's had input will last a bit longer than something imposed. It also puts the adoptive parent and the child on the same side, the side of righteous common sense against stupid orders being imposed from outside, and that can only help with the bonding. Just don't let the SS know about the various options, I suspect they'll insist on choosing and will choose based on current dogma handed down from on high (and whichever lets them monitor the parent most). Regards, -Phil _______________________________________________ Discuss mailing list [email protected] http://lopsa.org/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/discuss This list provided by the League of Professional System Administrators http://lopsa.org/
