--- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, "shempmcgurk" <shempmcg...@...> wrote: > > --- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, "authfriend" <jstein@> wrote: > > > > --- In FairfieldLife@yahoogroups.com, "shempmcgurk" <shempmcgurk@> wrote: > > <snip> > > > But my despondency is big. And I have no one to blame > > > but myself for the horrible mess I'm in. I'm actually > > > considering calling a crisis line (no, not for suicide... > > > I'm not having those thoughts), something I've never > > > before done. > > > Actually, it was sheer irresponsibility on my part and in my heart of hearts > I knew it was not the right course of action. > > Now it's catching up to me. > > But I am beating myself up on it all. Because I feel I deserve to be beaten > up for all the things I've fucked up on.
For what its worth. Several years ago I had a dense black state. Inner and outer. Some views that helped me. Everything changes, nothing lasts for ever. I had a black state and circumstances and they seemed eternal. That was an illusion. Things changed. Pain is a strong sensation. You can feel it as just that, or interpret it as pain. Even as pleasure. We find what we expect to find. Good and bad things are both out there. I regularly expected to find good things. I found them. Its not a woo woo thing. Its an alertness thing. Small steps. When I was totally stuck, total inertia, it was a huge effort, but I found that I could take one small step. From there I re-evaluated. "Can I take another small step?" I learned from my fuck-ups. Loss and pain seems like a negative thing. But I found some loss and pain were the ripping away of things that were holding me down. When you rip a band-aid off, it can hurt. But it leads to a more healed state. When I lost somethings substantial, I became lighter and more agile.
