At 05:21 PM 9/5/2006, you wrote:

In searching for a cat,,,They do not come, Look under every possible hiding place, They rarely venture far,,neighbors,,,under cars behind trash cans. As soon as it gets dark take a flashlight and scan and scan,,Their eyes will glow,,,,
Keep us posted
Kelly

I have awful news. Spencer has gone missing. It's completely my fault, I don't know what I was thinking. I left for appointments this morning and deliberately left the door open for the dogs and cats. I've been doing this forever, but I knew Spencer was very sick, I know that cats can decide to find a quiet place to pass on their own, yet I left the door open. In the six months that Spencer has been with us he rarely goes outside and when he does it's to keep me company in the yard. Whenever I call to him, he comes running like a puppy. I can only fear the worst. I talked with a couple of ACs and they said that he was looking for quiet and solitude, things that are in very short supply around this madhouse. I've been combing the bushes and going through the neighbor's yards all day. If he's still moving, if he wants to, I'm praying that he'll come home. It even went through my mind to shut him up before I left this morning, but I didn't think he'd be moving off his bed much and I don't know, I didn't really process this thought, but I didn't want him to feel like a prisoner either. He's been so good through his illness. The vets last night kept commenting about how sweet he was, I just hated to force anything on him. I just wanted to let you all know. I can't think of a punishment graver than not knowing what happened to him. I'm doing my best to not think of this in terms of punishment at all, just what is. It's too late to close the barn door now. I've gone through the frantic mode of finding him gone, been crying as I search, right now I'm feeling really numb. When I called Bruce at work to tell him, he asked me why I would want to have forced him to die in the house with us if that's not what he wanted. I could only come up with selfish answers for that one. The hardest part of all this is that I may never know. I'm still praying that he walks in the door.

Feeling repentant and very very sad,
Nina




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