Dear Caroline,
I'm way behind reading everyone and replying, as you can see by the
date on your original post. I'm so sorry you lost your beloved
Monkee (with the super name). And you know what? You didn't fail
him. You gave him years of a brand new happy and loving life, with a
loving mommy and grandmommy, too, which he clearly reciprocated.
I understand the traumatized part and I understand the guilty part,
too. I'm also guilty when a little one passes away: Did I do
enough? Was I perceptive enough? Was I always there for him when he
needed me? Did he get the right toys, outside time, Dr. visits,
food, etc., etc. It's just endless, really. But then you have to
remember how his life would have been if he hadn't decided to be that
little wild man in the courtyard of your building and you hadn't
decided that it was time to bring that darling little ragamuffin back
into civilization.
He still loves you. He'll love you forever. He'll be there in
Heaven to welcome you when you join him years and years and years
from now. He'll come to visit you during the day, he'll come to
visit you at night in your dreams. Maybe you'll be doing the dishes
or the laundry, not thinking about anything in particular, really,
and you'll hear his little voice or feel his soft little body rub
against your leg.
Love and purrs from all of us,
Tee, Lilibet, Billi Bi, Sammy, Teddy and Charlie
"Consciousness is Causal
and Physicality is its
Manifestation."
On Jul 16, 2007, at 10:47 AM, Caroline Kaufmann wrote:
My beloved cat Monkee passed last night in my arms while I held him
with my Mom standing next to my side. At about 2:30 a.m.
We were going to take him to Dr. Maier's for euthanasia this
morning at 8:00 a.m. I thought he could make it until then and
that he wouldn't want to go to a strange emergency vet clinic he'd
never been to before for his passing. I didn't know he was that
bad. I feel so bad. It was so horrible. He was having some
trouble breathing, but I was usually able to calm him down by
holding him and giving him flower essences. He had begun to have
trouble walking and he would cry at me really loudly when he wasn't
able to do something he wanted to do because his brain was not
getting enough oxygen (like walk around). I didn't want him to be
in pain or suffer and I feel like I failed him.
He did go really quick, but I was hysterical as it was happening.
We were on my bed and I was holding him. He took a last gasp of
air and then he stopped. When his body when limp, I felt like I
might die too. I think the only thing that helped me and my mom
was that she has "rescue remedy" with her and we both took it right
away. It sounds odd to say that, but immediately after it
happened, I felt a sense of peace-- for him. I think the rescue
remedy helped my breathing at that time. I just held him
afterwards and talked to him and pet him and kissed him for about
two hours. I told him how wonderful he was and that I would never
be the same without him. I walked around the house, sat with him
on the porch he loved so much and took him outside for his last
time to hold him while sitting on the front steps.
I have never had an animal die in my arms like that and to have it
be my best friend-- the best companion I've ever had...my heart
just feels like it's wrenching in half. I feel guilty and
traumatized. I am having a hard time erasing the memories of his
passing. When I close my eyes, I see his face as he took his last
breath. I don't how to recover from that.
I've never been lonely since I had Monkee and now that he's gone,
that loneliness is crashing in.
I hope all of you are able to continue to care for your cats and
give them the peace and love that they so desperately need. I
admire those of you who take care of multiple FelV cats and have
lost some in the past and continue to keep doing the work that you
do. My thoughts and my prayers are now with all of you and your
babies. I felt like I didn't have the mental energy to devote many
of my prayers in the past few weeks to any cat other than Monkee,
but I will be praying for you now.
I also wanted to remind everyone that you never really know the
power of what love can do for a cat like Monkee, until you
experience it. When I found him, he was a crazy, dirty, little
ragamuffin eating doves, baby rabbits, and whatever else he could
catch in the courtyard of my law school apartment complex in
Northern Ky 4 years ago. And four years and 1 month ago, I
couldn't take his living it up in "the killing fields"- as I called
it- anymore. It took so long to get him to be a somewhat normal
cat. Something bad must have happened to him because he was
already neutered when I found him, so he had to have belong to
someone. He was deathly afraid of men and it took until probably
about this past year for that fear to almost subside. I don't
think anyone else in my life (other than myself) believed that he'd
ever be trusting, cuddling, sweet, lfunny, love-bug that he was
with me. The first time I turned on my radio and my tv after I had
brought him into my life, he freaked out and hid under the bed for
hours. After lots of love and being spoiled rotten, and having
four years to experience as many things as possible, he had truly
become my best friend. He would comfort me when something went
horribly wrong in my life and the past 4 years have been pretty
turbulent for me so he had a lot of comforting to do. He was what
always cheered me up when I was at my lowest low and he was what
kept going. He slept on my bed with me every night and even when I
was just away for one night, I would miss him and miss having him
there in the morning to wake up with. I am going to miss him so much.
I also wanted to say "Thank You" for being such an instant support
group for Monkee and I. We really needed help these past few weeks
and you all really came through for us.
Thank you,
Caroline
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