Kathy,
You are truly an amazing person, and your messages are so helpful. I am
crying as I write, which I really have not done much-- I've more been racked
with stress, unable to eat or sleep, and truly frightened (even though I have
been through SO many deaths before, this process with him is dragging on much
longer than any I have ever experienced).
I stopped the reglan and pepcid yesterday, an truthfully he does not seem
that nauseous. He has a lot of steroids in him-- he got a shot of dex and
depo on Friday and then I gave him additional shots of dex on Sat and Sun--
that's a lot of steroids and I am assuming that is why he does not seem that
nauseous. Even on the steroids and the reglan and the pepci and 200 cc's of
fluid a
day, he stopped eating. I continued the reglan and pepcid for a day after I
stopped syringing him, but it was upsetting him so I stopped. The same with
the fluids. He is not licking his lips or trying to hang over the water bowl
or
sitting in sick cat position like my other two who died of lymphoma did, so I
think that maybe the steroids are keeping his nausea at bay. Then again,
when he was diagnosed his billirubin was a staggering 25+, about 50 times
normal,
and he was still eating some then, so maybe he has some tolerance for that.
Maybe his nausea will return or get worse, and if he licks his lips or looks
uncomfortable in that way I will give him reglan and pepcid again. Right now I
am trying not to upset him, and all he wants is cuddles and sleep and
occasionally some help getting to the litter box.
He has actually stopped the trying to walk and then crying thing. He has not
done it since I posted last. Now when he wants to go to the litter box he
walks a few steps and then I lift him into it and hold him up while he pees and
then I put him back where he has chosen to sleep and he takes a nap for a
while. No crying, no hyperventillating. I started putting rescue remedy in
his
ears every hour. I don't know if it is that which has made him calmer, or just
progressive weakness taking away the urge to walk around. Now he sleeps at
least half the time, wakes up and wants pets and purrs, and goes back to sleep.
He has not drunk anything since this morning. He was drinking every time I
offered him the water bowl, and now he wants none. Maybe the steroids are
wearing off. Maybe he is close to death. I don't know.
I have wrestled very much with the reglan and fluids issue. The reason I
stopped initially, yesterday, is that each time I gave him a pill or tried to
give him fluids he tried to get away from me and that resulted in the meowing
and
hyperventillating thing, so I decided to just give him all the cuddles he
wants and not stress him out any more than I have to. I have reglan, torbutrol,
and a tranquilizer on hand if he seems in distress from nausea, pain, or
inability to breathe. I am hoping against hope he just keeps sleeping more
until he
slips away peacefully.
If you pray, please pray for the same.
Thank you for your support-- you have no idea what it means to me. I have
stopped communicating with the oncologist-- we had been emailing about Simon
daily-- because I am afraid he will think it awful that I have not just
euthanized him. He told me on Friday when he sent him home recommending no
chemo for
the reasons I said before, he gave him steroid shots and said if he were his
cat
he would give him until Monday to show signs of improvement and if none he
would euthanize him before he got worse. he said he understands people have
different views on this, but still, I feel a lot of societal pressure to
euthanize him now that he has entered the dying phase, and it generally makes
me feel
like I am doing something bad to him by cuddling him instead. My partner is
against euthanasia entirely, so he supports my not wanting to do it now, but I
do not trust his assessments because there are definitely times when I will do
it and I know he won't do it then either.
Simon is sleeping now. Perhaps he will wake soon and want to be pet. He rolls
onto his back less for belly rubs now, wanting instead to be pet on his back
and for me to have both my arms around him and kiss him. It makes him purr
like crazy for a while, and then he either drifts back to sleep or starts to go
to the litter box and I help him. This is not terrible, is it? I can not
bring myself to euthanize a purring or sleeping cat. it would be easier, in a
way, because I am going through hell and feel like my body can not tolerate
this
level of stress and fear at his every move for much longer. But I do not feel
that is a reason to take his last hours of cuddling away. The whole 2 1/2
years I have had him he has been a total cuddlebug and has not gottent to
cuddle
so much because I have so many other animals as well. He has my full
attention now (much to my other animals' dismay) as well as my partner's. he
wants
both of us with him and sits up to watch when either of us leaves until we
return. We have taken to only leaving him or spelling each other when he is
asleep and will no notice. I have never known a cat to be like this while so
sick-- normally they want nothing to do with touch, and he in fact was like
that
for hours at a time while I was still syringing him and giving him fluids. But
now he only wants us to be with him all the time. I am bracing for that to
change but hope it does not.
Thank you, again, and please pray for him to slip painlessly to death in his
sleep,
Michelle
In a message dated 1/11/05 3:57:38 PM, [EMAIL PROTECTED] writes:
<< Michelle,
If you can get the pepcid or reglan in him, it will help with nausea. A
couple people I've been with who had liver cancer were pretty nauseous. If
you
can get the meds in, and his reaction to food is from nausea, then he may
eat
a little again - probably not much, but a little. Don't stress him out
worse getting it into him. If you can get him to take it, that's fine.
With
people, as the get in the last week or two, they often lose their ability to
swallow, so it would be safest for Simon if you put the meds back in his
mouth,
but not so far back that you can't sweep it out with a q-tip if he doesn't
swallow. From the way you describe his reaction to being syringe fed, it's
more an end-stage thing than a nausea thing though. Offer him food if it
makes
you feel better, but let him decide to eat if he wants.
As long as his breathing sounds clear, and you can sweet talk him into
taking fluids subQ, then they can help him be more comfortable - as long as
his
kidneys are still working, they'll keep him urinating and help keep his liver
and kidney values down and prevent nausea (high levels of creatinine make you
nauseous too). When his kidneys start to shut down, more wastes will stay
in
his blood, and fluid will start to back up into his lungs. When that
happens, you'll hear wheezes, crackles and bubbles. If he's fighting them,
they
probably aren't helping a lot anymore, even if they aren't harming him.
Basically, these are his last days. Help them to be good ones by not doing
anything to him that makes him upset. If he just wants to cuddle and get
his
belly rubbed, then cuddle and rub his belly - and don't worry about the
rest. I suspect Simon is getting pretty close - meaning in his last couple
of
days. Hang in there, and try to get a little rest - even if you don't
sleep.
You will get through this, and it will get easier.
What you're describing about how you're feeling is anticipatory grief, it's
normal, and sounds exactly like what I went through when I lost my Mom last
summer. I found out she was really going to die about 12 hours before she
died. She'd had a stroke 2 weeks before, but I thought I saw things that
hinted
that she might get better. The morning before she died, they did a second
MRI on her and found a second blood clot had gone to her brainstem and there
was no hope for her. I was such a mess my teeth hurt - along with every
other
part of my head - and I had to leave the hospice inpatient unit where Mom
was after an hour and a half because I felt like I was going to throw up. I
was able to go back and visit her later, and I'm glad I did, but I wish I
could've made myself stay with her like I do for my patients. Before I left
for
the night at midnight, I did tell her that I didn't want to see her go - I
wanted her to get better and go home to bug Dad, but I knew that wasn't
going to
happen, and we didn't want her to rush off, but when she was ready to go, it
was okay for her to go. She passed at 5:30 a.m. - with no one from the
family with her. The hospice nurse was there, and called us as soon as she
saw
some changes that normally happen an hour or two before someone passes.
After
she called us, she told Mom to hang on because we were on our way, then Mom
speeded up and was gone in about 5 minutes - about 10 minutes before I got
there.
The good thing about what you're feeling now is that once Simon does cross
over, the grief is still there, but it changes. You may not feel much like
eating for a while, but you won't feel sick to your stomach anymore, and a
lot
of the head and neck pain you're probably having will go away. You'll feel
a
sense of relief that it's over, but still sadness that he's gone. It just
won't be as painful as it is now.
Kathy
>>
