No, Michelle, it's absolutely not terrible. You're doing the most loving
thing anyone could do.
Please know you and Simon are in my thoughts constantly. And I will pray
he passes peacefully, in your arms. much love to you all, Kerry
-----Original Message-----
From: [EMAIL PROTECTED] [mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] On
Behalf Of [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Sent: Tuesday, January 11, 2005 3:48 PM
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Simon update--Kathy
Kathy,
You are truly an amazing person, and your messages are so helpful. I
am
crying as I write, which I really have not done much-- I've more been
racked
with stress, unable to eat or sleep, and truly frightened (even though I
have
been through SO many deaths before, this process with him is dragging on
much
longer than any I have ever experienced).
I stopped the reglan and pepcid yesterday, an truthfully he does not
seem
that nauseous. He has a lot of steroids in him-- he got a shot of dex
and
depo on Friday and then I gave him additional shots of dex on Sat and
Sun--
that's a lot of steroids and I am assuming that is why he does not seem
that
nauseous. Even on the steroids and the reglan and the pepci and 200 cc's
of fluid a
day, he stopped eating. I continued the reglan and pepcid for a day
after I
stopped syringing him, but it was upsetting him so I stopped. The same
with
the fluids. He is not licking his lips or trying to hang over the water
bowl or
sitting in sick cat position like my other two who died of lymphoma did,
so I
think that maybe the steroids are keeping his nausea at bay. Then
again,
when he was diagnosed his billirubin was a staggering 25+, about 50
times normal,
and he was still eating some then, so maybe he has some tolerance for
that.
Maybe his nausea will return or get worse, and if he licks his lips or
looks
uncomfortable in that way I will give him reglan and pepcid again. Right
now I
am trying not to upset him, and all he wants is cuddles and sleep and
occasionally some help getting to the litter box.
He has actually stopped the trying to walk and then crying thing. He
has not
done it since I posted last. Now when he wants to go to the litter box
he
walks a few steps and then I lift him into it and hold him up while he
pees and
then I put him back where he has chosen to sleep and he takes a nap for
a
while. No crying, no hyperventillating. I started putting rescue
remedy in his
ears every hour. I don't know if it is that which has made him calmer,
or just
progressive weakness taking away the urge to walk around. Now he sleeps
at
least half the time, wakes up and wants pets and purrs, and goes back to
sleep.
He has not drunk anything since this morning. He was drinking every
time I
offered him the water bowl, and now he wants none. Maybe the steroids
are
wearing off. Maybe he is close to death. I don't know.
I have wrestled very much with the reglan and fluids issue. The reason
I
stopped initially, yesterday, is that each time I gave him a pill or
tried to
give him fluids he tried to get away from me and that resulted in the
meowing and
hyperventillating thing, so I decided to just give him all the cuddles
he
wants and not stress him out any more than I have to. I have reglan,
torbutrol,
and a tranquilizer on hand if he seems in distress from nausea, pain, or
inability to breathe. I am hoping against hope he just keeps sleeping
more until he
slips away peacefully.
If you pray, please pray for the same.
Thank you for your support-- you have no idea what it means to me. I
have
stopped communicating with the oncologist-- we had been emailing about
Simon
daily-- because I am afraid he will think it awful that I have not just
euthanized him. He told me on Friday when he sent him home recommending
no chemo for
the reasons I said before, he gave him steroid shots and said if he were
his cat
he would give him until Monday to show signs of improvement and if none
he
would euthanize him before he got worse. he said he understands people
have
different views on this, but still, I feel a lot of societal pressure to
euthanize him now that he has entered the dying phase, and it generally
makes me feel
like I am doing something bad to him by cuddling him instead. My
partner is
against euthanasia entirely, so he supports my not wanting to do it now,
but I
do not trust his assessments because there are definitely times when I
will do
it and I know he won't do it then either.
Simon is sleeping now. Perhaps he will wake soon and want to be pet. He
rolls
onto his back less for belly rubs now, wanting instead to be pet on his
back
and for me to have both my arms around him and kiss him. It makes him
purr
like crazy for a while, and then he either drifts back to sleep or
starts to go
to the litter box and I help him. This is not terrible, is it? I can
not
bring myself to euthanize a purring or sleeping cat. it would be
easier, in a
way, because I am going through hell and feel like my body can not
tolerate this
level of stress and fear at his every move for much longer. But I do not
feel
that is a reason to take his last hours of cuddling away. The whole 2
1/2
years I have had him he has been a total cuddlebug and has not gottent
to cuddle
so much because I have so many other animals as well. He has my full
attention now (much to my other animals' dismay) as well as my
partner's. he wants
both of us with him and sits up to watch when either of us leaves until
we
return. We have taken to only leaving him or spelling each other when
he is
asleep and will no notice. I have never known a cat to be like this
while so
sick-- normally they want nothing to do with touch, and he in fact was
like that
for hours at a time while I was still syringing him and giving him
fluids. But
now he only wants us to be with him all the time. I am bracing for that
to
change but hope it does not.
Thank you, again, and please pray for him to slip painlessly to death in
his
sleep,
Michelle
In a message dated 1/11/05 3:57:38 PM, [EMAIL PROTECTED] writes:
<< Michelle,
If you can get the pepcid or reglan in him, it will help with nausea.
A
couple people I've been with who had liver cancer were pretty nauseous.
If
you
can get the meds in, and his reaction to food is from nausea, then he
may
eat
a little again - probably not much, but a little. Don't stress him out
worse getting it into him. If you can get him to take it, that's fine.
With
people, as the get in the last week or two, they often lose their
ability to
swallow, so it would be safest for Simon if you put the meds back in
his
mouth,
but not so far back that you can't sweep it out with a q-tip if he
doesn't
swallow. From the way you describe his reaction to being syringe fed,
it's
more an end-stage thing than a nausea thing though. Offer him food if
it
makes
you feel better, but let him decide to eat if he wants.
As long as his breathing sounds clear, and you can sweet talk him into
taking fluids subQ, then they can help him be more comfortable - as long
as
his
kidneys are still working, they'll keep him urinating and help keep his
liver
and kidney values down and prevent nausea (high levels of creatinine
make you
nauseous too). When his kidneys start to shut down, more wastes will
stay
in
his blood, and fluid will start to back up into his lungs. When that
happens, you'll hear wheezes, crackles and bubbles. If he's fighting
them,
they
probably aren't helping a lot anymore, even if they aren't harming him.
Basically, these are his last days. Help them to be good ones by not
doing
anything to him that makes him upset. If he just wants to cuddle and
get
his
belly rubbed, then cuddle and rub his belly - and don't worry about the
rest. I suspect Simon is getting pretty close - meaning in his last
couple
of
days. Hang in there, and try to get a little rest - even if you don't
sleep.
You will get through this, and it will get easier.
What you're describing about how you're feeling is anticipatory grief,
it's
normal, and sounds exactly like what I went through when I lost my Mom
last
summer. I found out she was really going to die about 12 hours before
she
died. She'd had a stroke 2 weeks before, but I thought I saw things
that
hinted
that she might get better. The morning before she died, they did a
second
MRI on her and found a second blood clot had gone to her brainstem and
there
was no hope for her. I was such a mess my teeth hurt - along with
every
other
part of my head - and I had to leave the hospice inpatient unit where
Mom
was after an hour and a half because I felt like I was going to throw
up. I
was able to go back and visit her later, and I'm glad I did, but I wish
I
could've made myself stay with her like I do for my patients. Before I
left
for
the night at midnight, I did tell her that I didn't want to see her go
- I
wanted her to get better and go home to bug Dad, but I knew that wasn't
going to
happen, and we didn't want her to rush off, but when she was ready to
go, it
was okay for her to go. She passed at 5:30 a.m. - with no one from the
family with her. The hospice nurse was there, and called us as soon as
she
saw
some changes that normally happen an hour or two before someone passes.
After
she called us, she told Mom to hang on because we were on our way, then
Mom
speeded up and was gone in about 5 minutes - about 10 minutes before I
got
there.
The good thing about what you're feeling now is that once Simon does
cross
over, the grief is still there, but it changes. You may not feel much
like
eating for a while, but you won't feel sick to your stomach anymore, and
a
lot
of the head and neck pain you're probably having will go away. You'll
feel
a
sense of relief that it's over, but still sadness that he's gone. It
just
won't be as painful as it is now.
Kathy
>>
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