> A new contract for Santa has finally been > negotiated. Please read the > following carefully. > > I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, > I will no longer > be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas > Eve. Due to the > overwhelming current population of the earth, my > contract was > renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves > Local 209. I now > serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, > Wisconsin and > Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I > also get longer > breaks for milk and cookies. > > However, I'm certain that your children will be in > good hands with > your local replacement who happens to be my third > cousin, Bubba > Claus. His side of the family is from the South > Pole. He shares my > goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and > girls; however, > there are a few differences between us... > > 1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your > presents from Bubba > Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper > sticker that > reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson." > > 2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers > that children > leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on > the fireplace. And > Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff > though, so please > have an empty spit can handy. > > 3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, > flyin' coon dogs > instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning > him a couple of my > reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks > Bubba's > fireplace. > > 4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and > Blitzen ..." > when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On > Earnhardt, on > Wallace, on Martin and Labonte On Rudd, on Jarrett, > on Elliott and > Petty." > > 5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And > you also are > likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!" > > 6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba > Claus' sleigh does > have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with > the words "Back > Off!" The last I heard it also had other decorations > on the sleigh > back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights > that race through > the letters and the other is a caricature of me > (Santa Claus) going > wee on the Tooth Fairy. > > 7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as > "Miracle on 34th > Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be > shown in your > negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss > Hogg Saves > Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring > Burt Reynolds as > Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing > into each other. > > 8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, > I'd make sure you, > the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he > bends over to put > presents under the tree. > > 9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been > sung about me > like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing > Crosby's "Santa Claus > is Coming to Town." This year songs about Bubba > Claus will be played > on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those > song titles will be: > Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," > Cledus T. Judd's "All > I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack," > and Hank Williams > Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove > It." > > Sincerely Yours, > Santa Claus North American Fairies and Elves Local > 209.
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