Hello Everyone, I’d like to take the time here to offer my sincere apologies for my extremely disgraceful behavior yesterday morning. I know there are some here who will most likely view my behavior as childish, immature, etc. it was certainly unprofessional of me to say some of the things I said, and do some of the things I did. Yet, now that I've had some time to get away from the list, get away from the situation, cool down, and get some perspective I can see both sides of this issue a little clearer.
I realize that certain members of the list, other game developers, felt they were being bullied, pressured, and Che felt it was his job to stand up and defend them the only way he knew how to. I take his points, even though he was much harsher than he needed to be, and I'll attempt to be more diplomatic in the words and things I say on this list in the future. I must honestly confess that it is hard for me not to comment on a topic or give my opinion even when the person or persons involved don't want to hear it. So I need to monitor my urge to write a quick reply and make absolutely sure it says what I mean, and that the message does not contain any words that can be misinterpreted by the intended party or parties receiving it. I guess what I'm trying to say here is simply this. E-mail is a very impersonal form of communication. To us it is just a bunch of text on the screen that gets read back to us via our screen reader of choice without any sense of the emotion, intent, or purpose behind it. It is us, the reader, who interpret it and assign emotions and intent to that message. It sometimes is interpreted correctly, and sometimes it can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings on both sides. Which is what I feel happened yesterday. I certainly do not want to offer you any excuses for my actions yesterday, but I do feel I owe you an explanation of why I did what I did. What I'm about to say isn't being said to get sympathy, lay a guilt trip on anybody, or hand you a sad story, etc. I merely want to give you a few facts that lead up to my behavior yesterday in the first place. You are free to reject or accept this as you will. In my message yesterday I made reference to some problems with my marriage, and let me say these are quite true, and as you might expect it is a very stressful and painful time for me. I consider the issue very personal so I don't want to get into it at any real length, but my wife and I have been having problems for quite a long time now and the situation has tended to progress from bad to worse. We have been arguing about everything from our family finances to how much time I spend on my computer working on games when she feels I should be spending that time with her or my son. Here is an example of what I mean. On July 4th my wife wanted to go to the fireworks as a family as we do every year, but I didn't want to go because for me listening to fireworks is nothing but a bunch of loud noise. I felt those two hours or so could be better spend at home working on game code, editing sounds, and working on game documentation. It went over with her like a rock, and that started an argument that ruined the entire evening for us both. Having these kinds of personal issues is bad enough, but there are certain individuals in this community who are pushing, nagging, and putting pressure on me to release Mysteries of the Ancients and Raceway on some unrealistic time table I can't simply meet and have any kind of time for my family, work, etc. I don't know if it is their ignorance of how much time and energy it takes to complete a game of any size, they are just self-centered, or both. Either way you look at it their constant nagging, complaining, etc just makes the situation that much worse for me because I have to make a daily choice how to assign my free time which comes down to work on said games or spend it with my family. Those of you who aren't married, don't have family obligations and responcibilities, might not understand exactly what that feels like, or appreciate the situation I am in here. Bottom line, what I am trying to say is that I've not been myself for quite a while now. I have been angry, upset, moody, and very stressed out over a number of personal and professional issues. Normally, most people who know me know that I am usually a very rational down to earth kind of person. However, anyone no matter who they are can be pushed beyond their emotional fortitude and snap given enough time and stress. Which brings us to Wednesday morning. I was already upset, not in a good mood, when I opened gmail and began reading my mail that morning. It was to everyone's misfortune that Che chose that day, of all days, to write a message to the list standing up for his fellow developers, and weather he intended to or not I felt extremely insulted by him calling me a programming elitist as well as a few other things he said in his messages, and that basically was enough to push me over the edge. I got extremely angry and reacted poorly. As I said earlier there is no excuse for my disgraceful behavior, but at the time I was not thinking to clearly. You might say I went into a mindless rage, and it was only hours later after I cooled down that I thought about the results of my actions and saw how poorly I handled the situation. One of those things I realized is that I was being terribly unfair to my customers, supporters, etc who were eagerly waiting on me to release Mysteries of the Ancients, Raceway, and anything else I might produce in the future. I was, in effect, punishing both the guilty and the innocent with a single strike. That was extremely unfair, and for that I am sorry. I hope that this community can find it in their harts to forgive me for my actions, and that we all can begin the healing process together. Let's turn over a new leaf shall we? As far as USA Games I will reopen the website as soon as I can. You must realize though that do to my irrational state of mind I decided to delete the website, close it down, and was really and truly planning on leaving this community for good. However, after I calmed down a number of you, those who I would call friends, asked me to come back and not throw it all away over a stupid argument. Once I calmed down I saw they were right, and so I'll honor their requests , but I think I will be doing things differently than before. I may not stay on this list for long if I feel I'm not welcome here any longer. I fully realize I might have just burned my bridges as far as the community is concerned, but I'm willing to give it a try if you are willing to give me a chance to earn back my self-respect and dignity. Sincerely, Thomas Ward --- Gamers mailing list __ Gamers@audyssey.org If you want to leave the list, send E-mail to gamers-unsubscr...@audyssey.org. 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