Help! There Is a Pilot In the Cockpit<http://georgemenace.com/help-there-is-a-pilot-in-the-cockpit>
April 16, 2011 By: Menezes George Category: Humour and Satire<http://georgemenace.com/category/humour-and-satire> How much elasticity must an old man like me have in order to stretch my memory to conversations that took place in the year 1956 somewhere in Mahim, Mumbai at their local Gymkhana? It was a conversation amongst a few young men in their late 20s about one of the local girls getting married. Nice young men some of whom went to join the Army and become Adarsh-living Generals, unless they were killed in battle, others who opted to join the priesthood and become Bishops or church bashers, and even some, who became entrepreneurs and philanthropists. “She is getting married to a Pilot Officer, wow !!” said one of them. “Lucky devil” said somebody else. “She is the prettiest girl in our entire suburbs”. “Lucky girl” said somebody else, “it is not so easy to catch a Pilot Officer. Blue uniform with gold decorations, almost 500 rupees a month in salary not to mention perks and lots of travel and excitement”. “Isn’t it risky to marry a pilot officer” asked one. “Not all of them fly.” said another “There are common designations like Pilot Officer, Flying Officer, Flight Lieutenant and Squadron leader for even those in the ground services. He is a graduate officer in the logistics branch”. “Only the most competent, the most skilled and highly trained become pilots in the Indian Air force. The citizens of this country can sleep in peace because the skies for our country are secured by our pilots and navigators backed by dedicated ground services Fast forward to March 2011. Final year college students sitting at the neighbouring coffee outlet “dude-ing” away instead of attending classes. I sit at the table next to them and over hear a conversation I am normally not used to “So dude what’s the latest?” “Nothing new, dude except that I’ve applied for a pilot’s job”. “Pilots job?” says another dude. “You haven’t even finished college. Pilots have to do years of training at a flying school, complete the specified number of flying hours as copilots, get certified by the flying school, work as a trainee pilot, get certified by the government appointed Civil Aviation Authority and go through a rigourous process of being selected by an Airlines. “Which century are you living in guys” says the aspiring pilot. He opens a thick file full of documents. “See this” he says this is my graduation certificate. I got it from the Xerox guy around the corner. He told me that if I was worried about the graduation certificate standing up to scrutiny, he would arrange for some smart guy to write the B.Com exam for me”. “And see this” he said. “A brand-new certificate from the Katrina Flying Club in New Orleans, USA. It is not that easy” he continued “I had to wait seven months till their damaged aircraft were repaired. They had been badly damaged by another pilot aspirant from India, some woman called Gariba (garib as in poor) who it appears always landed without letting down the landing gear.” “So how well did you learn to fly?” said a woman who had just joined the conversation “Not too bad” he said. I know what the nose wheel is and where it is located. I can get you that ILS stands for Instrument Landing System. I can tell a Piper Cub from the Pied Piper of Hamlin. I actually did three hours flying with the instructor. Except that they had to sedate me when I started screaming and threatened to jump out of the aircraft before takeoff. I had not told them in my application that I had a fear of flying.” “It must have been tough” someone said. “Around 20 lakhs” he said. As a result my parents have become too impoverished to travel by air anymore. There are other reasons of course. What happened to Gariba? they asked. She was thrown out of the flying school for damaging aircraft and she took it very badly. She said they would never do such a thing in India where her father was a top gun in the Directorate of Civil Aviation. We became good friends. “She is now a pilot with our Rational Airways Undertaking”. “Never heard of it” ventured one of the smarter dudes. Why rational and not national?” Oh that’s simple”. Because they have an explanation or excuse for everything that rotten that happens. Undertaking was a typographical error which stayed. The PR department wanted to call it Rational Airways Undertaker but the directors shot the idea down”. “We are glad for you” said the classmates. “I suppose your girlfriend Gariba with her connections in the Civilian Aviation Authority will organise a certificate for you to become a pilot. “Well, why not”. he laughed “She owes me. I made love to her right through our stay in the USA. She was insatiable.” The conversation was now getting hot and exciting.. “How did it turn out in India” they asked with one voice. “It turned out to be a disaster” he said.” We were trying to make it at the Guest House of the Civilian Aviation Department near Sahar airport. The bed collapsed in the middle of the act. Months later they discovered that the bed was a fake. The authority had paid 40,000 rupees not knowing it was made of firewood instead of teak wood. They also found out that the screws (no pun intended) used in making the bed were substandard.” “So when are you ready to fly us to Dubai to find jobs for ourselves?” they asked mockingly “I have one last hurdle to cross before I become a pilot” he said. “It appears that there are some interesting rules in making the appointment. You have to be certified by a relative. It is called some smelly, stinking thing called “potism”. “So what are you going to do” they asked, greatly concerned “No problem” he said. “My father has been able to get a fake employment certificate that he is an officer our Civilian Aviation body and, to be on the safe side, he has also got a certificate that he is a director Of Rational Airways Undertaking”. Fast forward to Today. I get a call that a relative in Goa, riding a bike without a helmet, has been run over by a dumper. I rush to the airport with my overnight bag and walk to the counter of Rational Airways Undertaking. “Can you give me a ticket so that I can fly an unmanned aircraft to Goa.” I ask the woman at the counter. “You mean a drone” she asks with a fake but certified smile. “Yes” I say. “They only fly to Afghanistan” she says “and there is no return flight”. “How do I get to Goa?” I say “it is urgent”. “We have a flight that is leaving right now to Goa” she smiles. “The aircraft is on “auto-pilot”, the pilots are seated at the rear of their aircraft with their seat belts on. And there is no service. This is a no-frills flight” “How much will it cost” I ask. “Not many people are flying these days. I will gladly give you a club class ticket which is fake in returned for a forged cheque from you.” “When you reach gate B run right on to the tarmac and you will see a whole lot of their air-conditioned taxis taking you to Goa. I am not sure whether the drivers have genuine driving licences or not. Have a safe journey and if you still have doubts I would advise you to walk to Goa” “Fake you” I said showing her my index finger ======================= Venue: Broadway Book Centre, 5 pm, June 29, 2011. Do come! And please treat this as a special invite.... FN +91-832-2409490 or +91-9822122436 (after 2pm) #784 Nr Lourdes Convent, Saligao 403511 Goa India http://fn.goa-india.org http://goa1556.goa-india.org
