Thanks for encouraging a discussion about this! I think the general
structure of the text is great. Being a nitpicky person, I have some
nitty remarks, generally trying to make the phrasing simpler, less
technical and easier to understand (which is a little difficult because
it's a technical feature and some geekery is unavoidable, perhaps). I
don't think any of these changes are *necessary*, but I personally think
they might help make the text more easily readable; use what you wish!
On 07/05/13 01:12 , [email protected] wrote:
Firefox Health Report (“FHR”) is a feature in Firefox designed to
"Firefox feature" rather than "feature in Firefox" ?
provide you with insights about your browser’s stability and
performance. FHR does this by collecting data and sharing it with us
in a way designed to minimize our ability to identify your browser.
How about "designed to make sure we can't identify you personally" ?
Our systems aggregate your data with that of other Firefox users and
then send it back to your browser so you can see how your Firefox
performance compares to others. FHR does not send us URLs from your
browsing history.
Can we use a less technical phrasing than "URLs from your browsing
history"? Maybe "FHR does not send us your browsing activity or history." ?
We use the data sent through FHR to provide users with FHR’s
functionality, such as helping you analyze and address performance
issues with your browser. We also use the insight we learn from the
I am not a native speaker, but I don't think insight is "learned", it is
"gained". Alternatively, "We also use what we learn from ...".
FHR data in the aggregate to make Firefox and our other products
better. We may disclose aggregated FHR data openly in order to help
further our mission of promoting openness, innovation and opportunity
on the web. We aim to be transparent about FHR and you can learn more
about the exact data being sent to us in the feature itself. If you
wish, you can disable FHR data sharing in Firefox settings or the
feature itself. [Learn more about FHR]. [URL to support page]
Instead of "you can disable FHR data sharing", how about "you can choose
not to share your FHR data with us" ?
Generally, I would like to have a simpler word for "aggregate" (which I
would consider stats/tech jargon), but I can't think of anything much
better (perhaps "combined" but that's less precise and might not do for
our purposes here). :-(
Cheers!
Gijs
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