From: "DDN" [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Divorce from a miserable, miserable, miserable relationship.
A Sister wrote the following:
I want to ask what you know about divorce from a miserable, miserable,
miserable relationship. Does anyone know how to survive and start over? salaam.
________________________________________
Assalaamu `Alaykum wa Rahmatullaahi wa Barakaatuhu
Dear Sister-in-Islam,
I read your poignant message requesting information on divorce. Based on the
brief information you provided I am not in a position to give you any advice
vis-à-vis divorce but I will attach below some links for you to read up on the
subject. As a woman and your sister-in-Islam, I feel your pain and the dilemma
you are going through and I shall endeavour to give you some advice based on
the teachings of the Qur'aan, in shaa'Allaah.
You asked: "Does anyone know how to survive and start over?" As a Mumin you can
start over and survive by having strength in eemaan in knowing that:
Allaah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala does not deny you what you want except what is
better than that;
He does not test you but for your well-being and He does not subject you to
tribulations but to purify you;
He Ta'aala tries you, His mu'min with pleasure as He blesses you with
difficulties;
As long as you are still 'surviving' your provision will no doubt come to you
as Allaah Ta'aala says (interpretation of the meaning):
"And no (moving) living creature is there on earth but its provision is due
from Allah." (Hood 11:6).
Ponder how the Prophet Adam `alayhissalaam laboured along difficult paths beset
with affliction; the severe tests the Prophet Ibraheem `alayhissalaam was put
to - he lost his abode, was expelled from his country, thrown into a blazing
fire and had to wander from one country to another. But he proved himself up to
the mark and, above all, he prepared to lay down his beloved son Ishmael
`alayhissalaam for slaughter at the slightest instance of his Lord. That is why
Allaah called him as His friend; Prophet Yoonus `alayhissalaam was swallowed by
a whale; Prophet Ayoob `alayhissalaam suffered from a severe illness and lost
all his tremendous wealth; Prophet Yoosuf `alayhissalaam was sold for a
pittance, thrown into a well and wrongfully jailed and how the Prophet Muhammad
Sall Allaahu `alayhi wa sallam suffered so many kinds of injury. You are also
on the path of difficulties, fraught with anxiety, insecurities, and despair
in not knowing what to do. But please take comfort in remembering what the
Prophet Sall Allaahu `alayhi wa sallam told you and all of us, "If Allaah wants
to do good to somebody, He afflicts him with trials." (Narrated by Abu Huraira
radhiallahu 'anhu - Saheeh-Bukharee: Volume 7, Book 70, Numbers 545, 547,
548).
Real trial, is the trial in one's religion and whatever trial besides that is
regarded as well being, for it raises one in the rank and erases one's sins.
Also all comforts that do not bring one closer to Allaah Ta'aala is a
tribulation. Do not therefore grieve over your sufferings in your "miserable,
miserable, miserable" marital relationship. Do not lose hope in Allaah's
Mercy. Do remember always Allaah Almighty's favour on you " ~ Allaah does not
place on any soul a burden greater than it can bear." (Al Baqarah 2:286 -
interpretation of the meaning) and bear your circumstances by being pleased
with Allaah's decree, for however long the night may be, it will be followed by
the dawn ~ "Surely, with every difficulty there is ease." (Ash Sharh 94:5 -
interpretation of the meaning) - be patient for it will happen at the right
time and fervantly trust that Allaah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala knows right at this
moment what is happening to you, what you are going through and what is best
for you.
Supplicate to Allaah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala and put all your trust in Him (as
du'aa is the greatest might of a Mumin), for Allaah Ta'aala tells you
(interpretation of the meaning) ~ "Is it not He who responds to the distressed
one when he calls Him (better than your gods.)" (An Naml 27: 62). He Ta'aala
will give you relief and if you are patient Allaah 'Azza wa Jall will provide a
way out for you. The Prophet Sall Allaahu `alayhi wa sallam said: The du'aa of
the person who is in distress is: 'Allaahumma rahmataka arjoo fa laa takilni
ilaa nafsi tarfat 'ayn wa aslih li sha'ni kullahu laa ilaaha illa anta (O
Allaah, for Your mercy I hope, so do not leave me in charge of my affairs even
for the blink of an eye; rectify all my affairs. There is no god except You).
(Narrated by Abu Dawood, 5090; classed as hasan by al-Albaani in Saheeh Abi
Dawood, 4246.)
Dear Sister, put yourself under the protection of Allaah Ta'aala straightaway,
depend upon Him, submit your affairs to Him and pray to Him Almighty for
relief. The best way to establish a (closer) relationship is to talk to Allaah
as if He, the Almighty, is right there next to you, listening to you
attentively, responding to you lovingly, and helping you graciously. Talk to
Him in your own words and express yourself to Him as you would to very close
trustworthy friend. Make Him your confidante, tell Him everything that bothers
you or worries you. Tell Him what is not going right and request His help to
make it right. Humbly ask for His support and kindness. Then feel His Mercy
surrounding you. Tell Him your problems and leave the solution(s) to Him. Let
Him know that that you are relying on His boundless Mercy reposing all your
trust in Him and hence, presenting all your problems for Him to take care. Make
it clear that after requesting His help in those problems, you are not going to
worry about them any more at all. After giving things in His wonderful hands,
you are leaving the results to Him. Tell Him you will be happy whatever outcome
He chooses for you, because you know that He is going to take care of your
needs in the best manner.
The best place to talk to Allaah Almighty is in solitude where nothing
interferes your intimate talk with Him. The best way to talk to Him is in
words, not just thoughts. Say in your words what you want to say. Use
expressions and gestures as you like. No, it is not weird or crazy. It is
intimacy with our Lord. When you want to be more intimate and closer, go into
Sajdah position and pour your heart out. Let your tears flow if they come. He
Azzawajall loves those tears. He pours His Mercy over those who pour their
hearts out to Him and cry to Him for help.
Once you have talked to Allaah Ta'aala, you must have faith in Him. You must
feel positive that He will come to your help in the best possible manner. After
relating your problems to Him, you must not worry at all. That is what trust
(in your Lord) is all about. Knowing that He will respond to you in His own
ways and in the best way. You must have faith that whatever He delivers will be
the best for you in the long run. Sometimes you may not understand what good is
hidden in what you are going through, but if you have sincerely left the
matters to Him, and then stop worrying because of your confidence in Him, you
will always be pleased in the long run. You will look back and see the wisdom
of the things that happened in the past, which at that time you did not
understand.
When you talk to Allaah Ta'aala to confide in Him and to express your feelings,
it may not need any other action on your part. But for those issues where you
seek His help, ensure that in addition to seeking His help, you do your best to
address that issue on your own. Whatever you want from Allaah Ta'aala, make
sure that you do your best for that yourself as well, because Allaahs Help
comes when a person has done his or her best in their endeavours. Allaah does
respond to the prayers but only to those that are accompanied with action and
hard work by the one who is seeking help.
So do not give up even if your supplications have not yet been answered, and do
not lose hope of Allaah Ta'alaa's Mercy and Compassion even though the period
of your difficulties in your marriage may seem long, for relief and success
will surely come. So keep doing your best and keep talking to Allaah. You will
be glad that you did.
And remember that life in this world is full of trials, a temporary test. It
really does not matter much what we face here in the dunya. What matters is how
we respond to what we face. It is the Hereafter that really matters. From that
perspective, remember, a believer is always a winner. He or she never fails. If
good things happen, a believer thanks Allaah Ta'aala with humility and earns
reward. When difficulties are encountered, he or she remains patient and
steadfast and that also earns rewards. So let us be winners by adopting the
right attitude an attitude that never fails, an attitude that pleases Allaah
Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala.
Here are some links for you to read on divorce:
1. The Muslim Women's League on "Marriage and Divorce in Islam - an Islamic
perspective on Divorce"
http://www.islamic-paths.org/Home/English/Issues/Marriage_Divorce/Divorce01.htm
2. Examples of acceptable reasons for asking ones husband for khula
http://63.175.194.25/index.php?cs=prn&ln=eng&QR=1859&dgn=4&dgn=2
3. Ruling on a Woman Asking for a Divorce from Her Husband
http://63.175.194.25/index.php?cs=prn&ln=eng&QR=488&dgn=4&dgn=2
4. Khula: definition and how it is done
http://63.175.194.25/index.php?cs=prn&ln=eng&QR=26247&dgn=4&dgn=2
5. Some causes of divorce
http://63.175.194.25/index.php?cs=prn&ln=eng&QR=13243&dgn=4&dgn=2
6. Divorce uttered in anger
http://63.175.194.25/index.php?cs=prn&ln=eng&QR=22034&dgn=4&dgn=2
7. A number of questions about divorce
http://63.175.194.25/index.php?cs=prn&ln=eng&QR=21413&dgn=4&dgn=2
8. For further information:
http://63.175.194.25/index.php?ln=eng&ds=qa&lv=browse&CR=358&dgn=4
I ask Allaah Subhaanahu wa Ta'aala to bless you with His Mercy and Fadhl and
entrust you to the care of Allaah, for those who are under His care will never
be lost. May Allaah guide you in the ways of peace and to make you steadfast on
the path of His Deen and to bless you with the sweetness of faith. Aameen.
Wa aakhir da`waani A`nilhamdulilaahi Rabbil A`lameen.
Fi Amman Allaah
Your sister
K a r i m a
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