I personally know that currently the US government is utilizing
stealth technology recovered from alien UFO's to monitor Russian
Counter Strike usage of pirated copies of CS:S (clients are pirated,
servers are open source). As we speak, our government, along with
Gabe Newell are amassing troops consisting of black ops and Kangaroos
proficient with sentry gun deployment at strategic locations
throughout the Russian federation. These kangaroos, or "roo's" as
Gabe calls them, are killing machines.
As many of you know, Wiki states Gabe Newell has had two cornea
transplants to correct an eye condition. I believe these "cornea
transplants" are in fact alien eye transplants recovered from said
alien spacecraft. These transplants are capable of rendering large
populations into the lull of playing Peggle for hours on end as
countless droves of kangaroos amass at their designated posts. I
believe the increase of Peggle sales in Russia confirms my suspicions.
Anal Probes are being massed produced and dispersed amongst the black
ops and are referred to under their code name"Logans" in honor of Mr
Newell. I would invest in either KY or cork, depending on what you fancy.
If I where you, I would quickly go to the Moscow zoo... Follow these
instructions closely..
I have a contact there. He is disguised as a Kangaroo, well, he is a
kangaroo, living within their society as a kangaroo himself. His name
is Double Roo. He has infiltrated the highest of high of the "Roo's".
Be sure to wear a purple shirt, red hat with a yellow daisy pinned to
your coat lapel. Whisper in his ear the code word "Kliggierbocker".
Do not wear pants.... I repeat... DO NOT wear pants. When you whisper
the code word, be sure to gyrate your hips counter clockwise and rub
your left nipple. Not the right nipple, people will think you are weird.
My contact will instruct you further. Oh, and bring sugar cubes...
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