Rules for Rockers
1.) Don't misspell any words in your band's name. Many bands opt to switch the
letter 'I' for the letter 'y'. This is cool if you're into everyone with
1/8 to
1/16 a brain assuming that you are a crappy jock/rap/metal band. For instance,
Limp Bizkit, Strait Up, and Korn are all these type of bands. Are any of them
good? Check and mate.
2.) Avoid using food products in your band's name. Chances are you'll misspell
it anyways. Also chances are you'll pick some crappy food over a tasty one.
3.) Don't wear your band's own shirts. No exceptions or excuses accepted.
Don't
think the 'but I'm on tour and we haven't been able to wash our clothes, it's
the only thing clean I had to wear' story is gonna fly...wear the dirty shirt,
you're a rocker my friend.
4.) Don't play reggae unless you are in Bad Brains.
5.) Cowboy hats are for cowboys only. That is why they are called cowboy hats.
You aren't Madonna nor are you trend setting. And unless your main
transportation is a horse just don't wear a cowboy hat, or you're a total
poser
cowboy.
6.) This one here is a no brainer and it's mainly, but not solely, directed
towards the ska bands. DO NOT insert the name of your genre, or something
related to your genre into your band's name. You don't see any good bands
attempt this. except (Metallica, but even that is questionable) The best
solution to this problem is to not start a ska band in the first place, cos
not
only are ska bands just itching to break this rule and prove their dorkdom,
but
nobody's scoring gash with a ska band anyway.
7.) Avoid using the words theory, project, or plan in the title of your band
name.
8.) Don't play funk. Don't even joke about playing funk.
9.) Visors on band members (or anyone for that matter) earn yourself a bitch
slap. If you have your visor sideways, upside down, or both your penalty
increases to additional groin area pummeling.
10.) For shows, props are generally a bad idea. They usually stimulate the
audience's what-the-hell sensors. If you do decide to use one, make sure it's
small and you don't spend most of your time playing with it. Unless of course
you are the Beastie Boys, it's 1986, you're opening for Madonna, and you
have a
giant two story penis on stage.
11.) If your band has a cozy fan base of say, five, skip out on the huge rock
star banner. It is key to grasp the idea that people don't operate on the
if-they-have-a-banner-they-have-to-be-good mentality.
12.) Never have all members wear the same shirt. This is a ridiculous concept
and should not be explained.
13.) If you're playing your hometown, don't say 'What's up (town)'. This
phrase
is reserved for the out of town and/or touring bands. You might make them mad
by stealing their pep speech.
14.) If you're playing outside of your hometown, don't say, 'What's up
(town)'.
This screams shoot me in the face.
15.) Preaching is for church, shut up and rock.
16.) Cordless guitars are only ok if your first name is Eddie, your last name
is Van Halen, and you kick ass at playing guitar with a power drill. If
this is
not the case, don't venture there asshole.
17.) Playing your guitar up by your neck makes you look like a geek.
Period. If
you need an example, take a cue from a few of the greats...look at Slash's
guitar height, or maybe take a peek at where Duff let the bass rest, or
possibly look at just how low Kurt Novaselic rode his rock axe.
18.) If you play bass make sure you have only 4 strings. If you play guitar
make sure you only have 6 or less. If you play drums know that if your set
looks like something Tommy Lee would play while hanging upside down, you are a
jackass. You don't need 12 cymbals fruitcake.
19.) Gold hardware and/or wood stained anything is a no-no. Ditto for neon
anything.
20.) White cordless mics were used by Vanilla Ice, don't travel the same
road.
21.) Unless you are an immortal rock god, spitting or throwing water into the
crowd instantaneously eliminates any chance you had at getting laid that
night.
It may ensure you getting your ass kicked though.
22.) Covering new wave songs, oldies, or current Top 40 songs means your band
sucks mad horse dong. The hey wouldn't it be funny to cover that N'Sync song
and make it punk idea is about as funny as a knee to the crotch.
23.) If all of your songs are about how much you miss your girlfriend, do us a
favor and instead of touring, stay home geek.
24.) Kick out the fat guy, he's the reason you are never gonna be big.
25.) If you're fat, kick yourself out, you're blowing it for the rest of the
band.
26.) If you're a metal band, make sure that you are a metal band before you
say
you are a metal band. A pretty fool proof test is to ask yourself if you think
Rob Halford would be into your band back in the days when Judas Priest was the
shit.
27.) If you have a DJ make sure he at least has two turntables. I actually
recommend no DJ, but if you gotta go there...
28.) I take that back. No DJ's. This DJ in bands shit has to stop now.
29.) Shave. Beards = blowing it.
30.) Dont wear backward baseball caps, unless you're the Beastie Boys.
31.) Use a pick. If you play slap bass you need your fingers broken.
32.) Don't tell the crowd what they can and can't do. You're not Fugazi. If
you
want to be a cop, get off the stage and go join the police academy champ.
33.) Unless you're the headliner you shouldn't be playing hour and a half
sets,
keep it short. The idea that 'Hey these people don't seem to like us, maybe
they just didn't like those songs, let's play some more until we play on they
like' is never accurate. Get off the stage. We want to go home.
