Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
>> IRS letter:
>>> Editor's Note: Sometimes a story comes to our attention that needs no
>>> polishing or enhancement to make it a good Block tax story. This is one of
>>> those. It is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of last
>>> year's weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions, and credits.
>>> We believe the letter speaks for itself.
>>>
>>> Dear Sirs:
>>> I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three
>>> dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have
>>> questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil &
>>> expensive. It's only fair that since they are minors and not my
>>> responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to
>>> care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over
>>> the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and
>>> reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours!
>>>
>>> The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you
>>> put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions
>>> about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed
>>> to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name; taxes should be
>>> a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that
>>> you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that
>>> over keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so
>>> you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of
>>> Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to
>>> school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of
>>> the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to
>>> occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of
>>> overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am
>>> quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that
>>> you reinstate Joycelyn Elders, who had a rather good handle on the
>>> problem.
>>>
>>> Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
>>> little close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself
>>> one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I was awakened
>>> at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He
>>> and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him
>>> delivered to the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do
>>> almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary
>>> dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of
>>> time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food
>>> fight. I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice
>>> principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is
>>> the house of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives
>>> in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls,
>>> explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (I'm sure
>>> that you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be
>>> sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)
>>>
>>> Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by
>>> magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She
>>> came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads,
>>> sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be
>>> raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses.
>>> Hooked On Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You
>>> can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are
>>> denying! It's quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other
>>> two) so they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She
>>> cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious
>>> patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boyz in the
>>> hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her
>>> to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing
>>> Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy
>>> and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination
>>> with tattoos that worries me but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring
>>> a truck when you come to get her, as she sort of "nests" in her room and
>>> I think that it would be easier to
>>> move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.
>>>
>>> You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick
>>> which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go
>>> bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two
>>> oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a
>>> teenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about
>>> putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your
>>> decision as soon as possible as I have already increased the
>>> withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and to make a
>>> down payment on an airplane.
>>>
>>> Yours Truly, Bob
>>>
>>> Note:
>>> The taxpayer in question added this caveat at a later date:
>>> "Rats, they sent me the refund and allowed the deductions."
-------------
Alien
Sure, it seems easy being a space alien. You've got your x-ray
vision, your late model space ships and media coverage galore. But,
as usual with most glamour jobs, there's a lot of nitty gritty work
the public doesn't get to see. The job can become routine, and even
a bit tedious, as we learned when we stumbled upon this intriguing
page from...
S P A C E A L I E N ' S L O G B O O K
***********************************************
8:15 AM Leave asteroid for work.
9:00 AM Hover over cornfield on outskirts of small Midwestern town.
9:30 AM Land in backyard where housewife is hanging laundry.
Silence barking dog with penetrating gaze.
10:00 AM Stun housewife with laser-gun or energy pulsating finger-
tips. Levitate her body just long enough to be glimpsed by a passing
motorist. Materialize the body inside spaceship.
Remove internal organs; weigh, label and categorize. Return most, if
not all, to the body. Erase all traces of surgery.
Rematerialize housewife in backyard. Turn back time two hours. Bid
enigmatic good-bye. Leave.
1:00 PM Visit once prestigious astronomer who everyone thinks has
gone mad. Deliver pep talk. Leave him fist-sized fragments of an
unidentifiable element.
2:15 PM Drop by Whitley Strieber's house, pick up royalty check from
best seller. Communion.
3:00 PM It's Saturday; Beam Mulder psychic impressions where to go
next.
3:20 PM Hover over southwestern desert.
3:30 PM Offer psychotic drifter a lift.
4:30 PM Pose for cover of "Weekly World News" with Pres. Clinton.
Discuss ozone depletion, space travel, scandal evasion, future
political endorsements.
6:30 PM Back at the asteroid. Introduce psychotic drifter to other
aliens. Listen to Windham Hill.
9:00 PM Dinner. Eat drifter.
10:00 PM Wash antennae, brush eyeballs, peel off outer layer of
skin. Beam cryptic message to NASA satellite. Lights out.
-----------
The Top 16 Signs God is Appearing on Your TV
16> "See Rabbi Schwartz, Father Flanagan, and Master Yogi in a
theological grudge match in the Steel Confessional of Death
in Biblemania XIV!"
15> That "John 3:16" guy at the football game is now holding a
sign saying "Channel 5, right now!"
14> The Weather Channel broadcasting 24-hour a day "Ark Advisory."
13> Bearded guy in the window outside "The Today Show" keeps
sending telepathic messages.
12> NBC starts plugging "THOU SHALT SEE TV"
11> That older gentleman announcing the new "Fig Leaf Policy" on
the Playboy channel ain't Hef.
10> At last, somebody smote those idiotic Mentos commercials!!
9> Guest on Entertainment Tonight squashes James Cameron like
a bug, raises arms and exclaims, "No, *I'm* the king of the
world!"
8> MTV's Vatican Spring Break '98
7> Maximum possible Jeopardy score: $783,200.
Contestant who looks like George Burns: $700,000 and climbing.
6> Flurry of white people sighted on UPN and WB networks.
5> Jerry Springer only gets out the words "Today our topic is..."
before he bursts into flames.
4> For sixth straight day, "Kenny G. live from Branson" cancelled
due to technical difficulties.
3> When Oprah says "My next guest wrote his bestselling book
thousands of years ago, and he hasn't been seen in public
since," she ain't talking about Salinger!
2> Your first two clues? Mohammed as sidekick and Buddha as
bandleader.
and the Number 1 Sign God is Appearing on Your TV...
1> Normally standoffish Amish family from down the street
drops by with a bundt cake and a bottle of Amaretto.
---------
Two lawyers, Frank and Harry, meet for a drink. Frank says,
“You know what happened? An angel was sent down to
compile a list of the dishonest lawyers on earth. Six months
later he dragged himself back to Heaven, exhausted.
‘Believe me,’ he told God, ‘it’d be easier if I just made note of
all of the honest lawyers on earth. In fact, I think I could do
that in a weekend.’ God said, ‘Fine.’ Come Monday morning,
the angel turned in his list and God said, ‘That’s terrific. Now I
think you should send all the lawyers on this list a note of
congratulations.’”
Frank pauses and sips his Scotch. Then he says, “There was
a postscript to the angel’s note. You know what it was?”
Harry says, “No.”
“Aha! So you didn’t get one either!”
----------
BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO...
(especially when you share the same major!)
PSYCHOLOGY: Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for
his Mother.
SOCIOLOGY: Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.
RELIGION: Each prays for reconcilliation and/or curses God
ARCHAEOLOGY:One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of
trying to dig it up.
THEATRE: "OH MY GOD! Life is... ENDED... as we KNOW it!"
BIOLOGY: "You just wanted to get in my genes!"
PHYSICS: Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must
come down.
JOURNALISM: "Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18,
called an end to their relationship of 2 weeks..."
WOMEN'S STUDIES: "HE did it!"
BUSINESS: Both decide that they're spending way too much money
together, and that it's simply cheaper to be single.
ITALIAN: "Mama Mia!"
HISTORY: Each party argues the breakup was caused by something the
other party did in the past.
GEOGRAPHY: Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each
other.
ANATOMY: "I never liked your body anyway."
ECONOMICS: One party demands more than the other can supply.
ENGLISH: Each writes the other a perfect breakup letter, complete
with introduction, thesis, body, and conclusion, that doesn't really
say anything substantively intelligible.
EDUCATION: Both concede that the relationship was a learning
experience.
COMPUTING: "Man, this bytes -- we just couldn't interface" and/or
"His hard drive was more like a floppy."
E. ENGINEER.: "It's just so shocking... I'm sure there are positives
and negatives, but..."
ARCHITECTURE: "There just wasn't much to build on anyway..."
JEWISH STUDIES: "OY! You should feel so guilty!"
PHILOSOPHY: If 2 people break up in a dorm and there's no one to
witness the breakup, are they really single?
ZOOLOGY: They were able to mate like banshees, but lacked
sophisticated communication skills.
PHYS. ED.: They punch each other out in frustration.
CHEMISTRY: "It was just the wrong chemistry between us..."
COUNSELING: Each urges the other to "get help!"
MUSIC: Each utilizes an operatic lament (or, in some parts, a country
song) to express his or her sorrow.
LAW: They sue each other for breach of a pre-dating agreement.
---------
REASONS TO OWN A CAT OVER A DOG
* Cats rule. Dogs drool.
* Cats rub your leg when they want affection, not when they're
horny.
* Cats use a litter box. Dogs use your leg.
* In 1996, over 10,000 US deaths were attributed to a dog owner's
choking on saliva during morning wake-up licks.
* Cats always land on their feet. Dogs won't even let you throw
them.
* Cats let you kick them when you're stressed out.
* Cats will wait until you've read your morning paper before tearing
it to shreds.
* Cats look cute sleeping on the TV. Dogs crash right in front of
the screen.
* No one has ever had to "Beware of the Cat."
* Cats bury their crap. Dogs dig up others'.
* Cats have better things to do than stick their nose in your
crotch.
* Cats lay on the car in the heat. Dogs in heat lay the car.
* Why do you think they call it "Dog Breath?"
* Garfield. Odie. Enough said.
--------
"What Is Easter?"
Three stupid "guys"... {insert your favorite minority to insult here.
I'll use "guys" as a default just for fun.} So, three stupid guys just
died and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter tells them that
they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the first man, "What is Easter?"
The man replies, "Oh, that's easy, it's the holiday in November
when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful..."
"WRONG," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second man
the same question, "What is Easter?"
The second man replies, "No, Easter is the holiday in December
when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the
birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second man, shakes his head in disgust,
looks at the third man and repeats, "What is Easter?"
"I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that
coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his
disciples were eating at the last supper, and he was later deceived
and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples."
St. Peter smiles approvingly. The third man continues,
"The Romans took Jesus to be crucified. He was stabbed in the
side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross.
He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large
bolder. Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can
come out, and if he sees his shadow there will be 6 more weeks
of winter."
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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