Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
God's Will
I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up
to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore where a sea gull lay
dead in the sand.
"Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went
to Heaven," I replied.
My son thought a moment and said, "Why'd God throw him back down?"
--------
Cigar Insurance - Supposedly True
A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a box of 24 rare and
very expensive cigars, insured them against... fire. Within a month,
having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet
to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim
against the insurance company.
In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series
of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the
obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal
fashion. The man sued, and won.
In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that the man held a policy
from the company in which it was warranted that the cigars were
insurable. The company, in the policy, had also guaranteed that it
would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it
considered to be "unacceptable fire," and so, the company was
obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a
lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the
judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he had
lost in "the fires."
However, shortly after the man cashed his check, the insurance company
had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim
and testimony from the previous case used as evidence against him, the
man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and
sentenced to 24 consecutive one-year prison terms.
---
Abbot and Costello Meet Windows 95
Costello: Hey, Abbot!
Abbot: Yes, Lou?
Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbot: That's great Lou. What did you get?
Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive,
and a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbot: That's terrific, Lou.
Costello: But I don't know what any of it means!
Abbot: You will in time.
Costello: That's exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbot: Oh?
Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbot: Well, I don't know-
Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train
me.
Abbot: Really?
Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbot: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?
Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you
should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbot: That's true.
Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn
it off. What do I do?
Abbot: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-
Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbot: I know, you press the Start button-
Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it Off. I know how to start
it. So tell me what to do.
Abbot: I did.
Costello: When?
Abbot: When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbot: To shut off the computer.
Costello: I press Start to stop.
Abbot: Well Start doesn't actually stop the computer.
Costello: I knew it! So what do I press?
Abbot: Start.
Costello: Start what?
Abbot: Start button.
Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbot: Shut down.
Costello: You don't have to get rude!
Abbot: No, no, no! That's not what I meant.
Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbot: To shut down the computer, press-
Costello: Don't say, "Start!"
Abbot: Then what do you want me to say?
Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to
press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but
no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbot: But that's what you do.
Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.
Abbot: Don't be ridiculous.
Costello: I'm being ridiculous? Well. I think it's about time we
started this conversation.
Abbot: What are you talking about?
Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.
----
"Personal Ad"
SBF Seeks Male companionship. I love long walks in the woods,
riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips.
Cosy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners
will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and
I will respond with tender caresses. I'll be at the front door when
you get home from work. Kiss me and I'm yours. I'm a svelte good
looking girl who loves to play. Call 565-2121 and ask for Daisy.
The number is XXXXX SPCA and I'm an eight week old black
Labrador.
****************************************************
Work got you down? Life stressing you out? Then put a little
humor in your day. Try "Rodney And Cathy's Joke List". FREE
daily humor sent right to your e-mail box. To subscribe send
a message to: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
-------
"Cat Riddles"
What would you call a cat that likes to dig in the sand?
Sandy Claws.
Which is the cats' all-time favorite song?
"Three Blind Mice."
What is another name for a cat's home?
A scratch pad.
How do you stop a ten-pound parrot from talking too much?
Buy a twenty-pound cat!
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One means pause at the end of a clause, and the other means
claws at the end of paws!
If a cat is a flabby tabby, then what is a very small cat?
An itty bitty kitty.
What is the best award a cat can earn?
The Purr-litzer prize.
Can anything be smarter than a cat that can count?
Yes, a spelling bee!
-------
How to Loose Weight Without Exercise
Here's the guide to calorie-burning activities and the number of
calories per hour they consume.
Beating around the bush. . . . . . . . .75
Jumping to conclusions . . . . . . . . 100
Climbing the walls . . . . . . . . . . 150
Swallowing your pride. . . . . . . . . .50
Passing the buck . . . . . . . . . . . .25
Throwing your weight around
(depending on your weight). . . .50-300
Dragging your heels. . . . . . . . . . 100
Pushing your luck. . . . . . . . . . . 250
Making mountains out of molehills. . . 500
Hitting the nail on the head . . . . . .50
Wading through paperwork . . . . . . . 300
Bending over backwards . . . . . . . . 75
Jumping on the bandwagon . . . . . . . 200
Balancing the books. . . . . . . . . . .25
Running around in circles. . . . . . . 350
Eating crow. . . . . . . . . . . . . . 225
Tooting your own horn. . . . . . . . . .25
Climbing the ladder of success . . . . 750
Pulling out the stops. . . . . . . . . .75
Adding fuel to the fire. . . . . . . . 160
Wrapping it up at the day's end. . . . .12
To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:
Opening a can of worms . . . . . . . . .50
Putting your foot in your mouth. . . . 300
Starting the ball rolling. . . . . . . .90
Going over the edge. . . . . . . . . . .25
Picking up the pieces after. . . . . . 350
Counting eggs before thay hatch. . . . . 6
Calling it quits . . . . . . . . . . . . 2
----------
Top Ten Signs Your Company is Going to Downsize <Offensive to CEO's>
10. Company Softball Team is converted to a Chess Club.
9. Dr.Kevorkian is hired as an "Outplacement Coordinator".
8. Your best looking women in Marketing are suddenly very friendly
with the dorky Personnel Manager.
7. The beer supplied by the Company at picnics is Schlitz.
6. Weekly yard/bake sale at Corporate Headquarters.
5. Company President now driving a Ford Escort.
4. Annual Company Holiday Bash moved from the Sheraton to the local
Taco Bell.
3. Employee discount days at the local "Army & Navy Surplus Store"
are discontinued.
2. Dental plan now consists of a Company supplied kit (String,
pliers and 2 aspirin).
1. Your CEO has installed a dart board in his office marked with all
existing departments in the Company.
Remember folks, "We're not Downsizing, we're Rightsizing!!"
-----
The Top 16 Signs Your Comedy Partner Hates You
16> The response to your "Who's on First" line involves a real
baseball bat.
15> Had all the marquees changed to read "That Big Fat Loudmouth
and Teller."
14> "Enhances" seltzer in bottle with a cup or two of sulfuric
acid.
13> When you say, "Why did the chicken cross the road?", he
responds with, "Probably to get away from his pathetic,
no-talent, leech of a partner."
12> For the fourth consecutive night, that *wasn't* air in the
whoopie cushion.
11> Introduces you as, "The poor man's Pauly Shore."
10> When Moe poked Larry's eyes, *he* never used an ice-pick.
9> Suggests you boldly explore new territory with some wacky
cancer jokes.
8> His latest comedy bit: "Who slept with your wife?"
His name: Jimmy Who.
7> During your big London show, he suddenly says, "Hey, tell
your joke about Lady Di and the British fleet!"
6> "Outs" you during your HBO special by saying, "Straight man??
PUH-leeze!"
5> She still insists on writing O.J. jokes for you.
4> When he convinced you to dress like Little Bo Peep for
the routine, he failed to mention that the gig was at
the state prison.
3> When you say "Knock, knock," he just flicks a lit cigarette
at your head.
2> That was a piping hot chicken pot pie he just put in your face.
and Top5's Number 1 Sign Your Comedy Partner Hates You...
1> You catch him with another ventriloquist's hand up his ass.
--------
The Top 16 Signs Your Airline's Mechanics Are Upset
16> Whenever someone flushes, blue water spews from the overhead
sprinkler system.
15> Landing gear replaced by Mattel "Big Wheels" and shopping
carts.
14> In-flight safety video now includes legal standing of wills
written on cocktail napkins.
13> They're fueling the plane with miniature bottles of Stoli.
12> Complimentary bag of "mixed nuts" comes from the landing gear.
11> 4 jet engines on the tarmac, 300 sparrows tied to the wings.
10> Tawny, the apprentice flight attendant, has switched places
with Chester, the pre-flight safety engineer.
9> Before: Meticulous 140-point pre-flight inspection.
Now: Thumbs-up/down rating of the in-flight movie.
8> Rolls Royce Turbojets have been replaced by a very large
twisted rubber band/propeller gizmo.
7> Skygates at terminal replaced with rope suspension bridge.
6> That oil puddle under the right engine would make Captain
Hazelwood proud.
5> All of the in-flight magazines have been replaced with copies
of "The Bridges of Madison County."
4> "Ladies and gentlemen, if you'll direct your attention out
the right side cabin window -- just past that loose,
flapping aileron -- you can see the Grand Canyon."
3> Instead of oxygen masks, voodoo dolls in business suits and
nooses drop from the ceiling.
2> You pray that hissing sound is just the after-effects of your
seatmate's burrito lunch.
and Top5's Number 1 Sign Your Airline's Mechanics Are Upset...
1> Their middle fingers are in the full upright and locked
position.
---------
A burglar is sneaking through this house one night, when out of the
darkness comes a voice, "I can see you and so can Jesus".
The burglar freezes in his tracks and is too frightened to move. After
ten minutes, nothing has happened so he moves forward. Again from the
darkness comes the voice, "I can see you and so can Jesus".
The burglar is petrified and too frightened to move a muscle. After
thirty minutes, he decides that he has to do something. He backs very
slowly and tentatively to the wall and feels around for a light
switch. He switches on the light and there in front of him, sitting in
a cage, is a cockatoo who says, "I can see you and so can Jesus".
Greatly relieved, the burglar sighs, "It's just a cocky".
The cocky looks at the burglar and says, "I might be just a
cocky but Jesus is a big Rottweiler".
-------
When I was about six, my mother told me that some day I would outgrow
"Superman". Thirty-three years later, it's the only thing she was wrong
about.
I'm absolutely fascinated by the character. When they killed him off
back
in 1992, I was devastated. Yeah, I knew they'd bring him back, but
still
-- this was my number one hobby in the world and they had just "killed"
my
obsession. (I guess that's the right way to say it -- I'm "obsessed"
with
Superman. You really ought to see my office. Pictures and posters of
Superman everywhere).
Oh, yes, I've heard *every* Superman joke out there, so don't send me
the
one about him, Wonder Woman, and the Invisible Man, or the one where he
"flies" off the building, blah blah blah.
The best joke I know dealing with the word "Superman" is the true story
about Muhammand Ali. Once he was on an airplane. The flight attendant
came and asked him to buckle his seatbelt. He replied, "Superman don't
need no seatbelt."
She responded, "Superman don't need no *plane*."
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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