Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
-= Top Ten Paula Jones' Lawyers Top Ten Excuses =-
10. Got tired of being paid with cases of hairspray. *
9. We're not actually lawyers, just really big fans of
"Ally McBeal."
8. Bad idea to have Paula try on that glove from the O.J. trial.
7. Jacoby pulled his weight, but Meyers sucked.
6. We're pretty sure Bubba banged the judge's gavel, if you know
what we mean.
5. That smooth-talkin' hillbilly's got everyone hornswoggled.
4. Forgot to cover up Paula's "Show me the money" tattoo.
3. El Nino blew away dozens of crucial documents.
2. Who can concentrate on all those dull legal papers when Jerry
Springer is on?
1. Frankly, we're not very good lawyers.
-------
Cocky Engineer
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked
a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you
looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending
on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of
5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company
matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased
every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
--------------
Phone Call to God
The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The
Rabbi notices an unusually fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's
private chambers.
"What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.
"It's my direct line to the Lord!"
The Rabbi is skeptical, and the Pope notices. The Holy Father insists
that the Rabbi try it out, and, indeed, he is connected to the Lord.
The Rabbi holds a lengthy discussion with Him. After hanging up the
Rabbi says. "Thank you very much. This is great! But listen, I want to
pay for my phone charges."
The Pope, of course refuses, but the Rabbi is steadfast and finally,
the pontiff gives in. He checks the counter on the phone and says:
"All right! The charges were 100,000 Lira. ($56)
The Chief Rabbi gladly hands over a packet of bills. A few months
later, the Pope is in Jerusalem on an official visit. In the Chief
Rabbi's chambers he sees a phone identical to his and learns it also
is a direct line to the Lord.
The Pope remembers he has an urgent matter that requires divine
consultation and asks if he can use the Rabbi's phone. The Rabbi
gladly agrees, hands him the phone, and the Pope chats away. After
hanging up, the Pope offers to pay for the phone charges. This time,
the Chief Rabbi refuses to accept payment. After the Pope insists, the
Chief Rabbi relents and looks on the phone counter and says: "1 Shekel
50!" ($0.42)
The Pope looks surprised: "Why so cheap!?"
The Rabbi smiles and says, "It's a local call."
-----------
"Two Irishmen on the Bridge"
There are two Irishmen on the Forth road bridge in Edinburgh.
One has a budgie on his shoulder, and the other has a parrot
and a shotgun.
The first takes a flying leap and unfortunately crashes to his
death in the icy cold waters of the Forth.
The second follows and halfway down he pulls out his shotgun
and shoots the parrot but this does not prevent his death as he
also crashes into the icy cold waters of the Forth.
They both meet up again as they go through the Pearly gates.
The first chap says, "I'm not trying that 'budgie jumping' again!"
The second says, "And I'm never trying that 'parrot shooting ' either!"
---------
The Top 15 Signs You're Engaged to a Former Child Star
15> Every time you make love, she refers to it as "a very
special episode."
14> His agent calls to negotiate the pre-nup and demands a
percentage of the wedding gifts.
13> Instead of reporting the engagement of "Master Ronald Schmitz"
to "Miss Leslie Hanover," the media reports the engagement of
"Corky" to "Gidget."
12> He's got so much youthful energy and enthusiasm, all that
cocaine hardly affects him at all.
11> Your high school Sex Ed class said nothing about putting cans
of paint over the door or lubricating the stairs with honey.
10> Sulks in the corner if she doesn't get "top billing" in bed.
9> Always stops to bow to the surveillance camera during
convenience store robberies.
8> Oscar on the mantle is dressed as Malibu Barbie.
7> Every time the two of you "get nasty" on the couch, she
always calls you "Mr. Casting Director."
6> She refers to your manly part as "Mr. French."
5> Reminisces about lavish vacations at Neverland.
4> "Dinner with your parents? Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, woman?!?"
3> Eve Plumb jukes the Olsen twins, stiff-arms Susan Dey and
skies over Erin Moran to catch the bouquet.
2> You may be saving money on security systems, but your dental
bill skyrocketed after that bucket hit you in the face.
and the Number 1 Sign You're Engaged to a Former Child Star...
1> You: "Yes, I'll marry you." Him: "O-Tay!!"
--------
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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