Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
The Top 15 Differences if the
Special Prosecutor were RINGO Starr
15> All charges dropped after grand jury concludes, "She loves you,
and you know that can't be bad."
14> Courthouse overflowing with shrieking 50-something women with
heavy eyeliner and cat glasses.
13> Finally, someone the President can share a bong with.
12> Years on the case and $40 million down the drain, and he still
can't prove whether Paul is dead.
11> He gets by with a little help from his sleazeball scum-sucking
ambulance-chasing lawyer friends.
10> Calling for order involves an elaborate "gavel solo."
9> If you play Linda Tripp's tapes backwards, you hear, "I buried
Vince Foster."
8> Pete Best shows up on every Sunday morning talk show whining
about how he could do a better job.
7> Nobody seems to want to listen to the secret recordings made
by Yoko.
6> Hillary dismisses the accusations as part of a "vast Blue
Meanie conspiracy."
5> Sexual harassment and adultery: Who cares?
Playing Fleetwood Mac at Democratic convention: Impeach him!
4> Linda Tripp suddenly ceases to be the butt-ugliest person
involved in the scandal.
3> Ringo Starr: "Ludwig" refers to brand of drums.
Ken Starr: "Ludwig" refers to business trip to Berlin a few
years ago, the memory of which causes frequent nightmares
about his *own* past being investigated.
2> Giggles uncontrollably whenever he hears Kathleen Willey's
last name.
and the Number 1 Difference if the
Special Prosecutor were RINGO Starr...
1> No difference whatsoever -- They're both trying to get the
public to buy tapes that suck.
------
V A R I A T I O N S O N M U R P H Y ' S L A W
1. The Law of Common Sense
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
2. The Law of Reality
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
3. The Law of Self Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
4. The Law of Volunteering
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
5. The Law of Avoiding Oversell
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.
6. The Law of Motivation
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
7. Boob's Law
You always find something in the last place you look.
8. Weiler's Law
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
9. Law of Probable Dispersal
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
10. Law of Volunteer Labour
People are always available for work in the past tense.
11. Conway's Law
In any organisation there is one person who knows what is going on.
That person must be fired.
12. Iron Law of Distribution
Them that has, gets.
13. Law of Cybernetic Entomology
There is always one more bug.
14. Law of Drunkenness
You can't fall off the floor.
15. Heller's Law
The first myth of management is that it exists.
16. Osborne's Law
Variables won't; constants aren't.
17. Main's Law
For every action there is an equal and opposite government programme.
18. Weinberg's Second Law
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programmes, then
the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed
civilisation.
-------
A Brooklyn lawyer named Ernie successfully defends a major crime lord
from charges
of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms.
As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs him by the
arm. "Young
man, where are your scruples? Isn�t there anyone too low for you to
defend?"
"I don�t know," Ernie says, "What have you done?"
-----------
Two cannibals catch a victim, and agree to share.
They start to "chow down" and the first turns to the second. "Hey, how
you doing?"
"Man, I'm having a ball!"
"Slow down! You're eating too fast!"
----------
Twin brothers were named Joe and John, Joe was the owner of an old
dilapidated boat. It happened that John's wife died the same day that
Joe's boat sank.
A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street mistaking him
for
John, she said to him, "I'm sorry for your loss, you must feel
terrible".
Joe said, "Oh hell no, face is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She
was
a rotten old thing from the beginning, her bottom was all shrivelled up
and
she smelled like dead fish. She was always losing water, had a bad
crack
in the back and a pretty big hole in the front which got bigger every
time
I used her. She leaked like crazy and it was difficult to keep her
upright. But what really finished her off was when four tough guys
rented
her for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't any good, but they
all
wanted to have a go with her anyhow. The damn fools all tried to get on
her at the same time and it was just too much for the old girl, while
they
were trying to get into their various positions she split up the
middle".
The old woman fainted.
-----------
I Want a Divorce
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a
divorce.
The attorney asked, "May I help you??"
The farmer said, "Yeah, I want to get one of them dayvorces."
The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yeah, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a
grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yeah, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John
Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes, sir, I got a suit, I wear it to church on
Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up
or
anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney said, "Okay, let me put it this way: why do you
want
a divorce?"
The farmer replied, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation
with
her."
-----------
TOP 10 THINGS I'M SICK OF HEARING ABOUT MY UPCOMING WEDDING
10. How are the wedding plans going?
9. Are you nervous yet?
8. Has she sobered up?
7. I heard you got married last week.
6. Is it a big wedding?
5. I TOLD YOU TO TAKE OUT THE #&@^% GARBAGE YOU #&^#%$*@!!! I DON'T
KNOW WHY THE #%@& I AGREED TO MARRY A (*^&@&^ LIKE YOU!!!
4. OK. I'll up the offer to $5000, just please don't marry into our
family.
3. ....and the cost for that will be ....
2. I'm sorry... this credit card isn't being accepted.
1. Do you know if it's a boy or a girl?
----------
"A Phone Call"
Morris calls his son in NY and says, �Benny, I have something to tell
you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because
you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up
my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."
The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.
"I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."
"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after
54 years together. What happened?"
"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my
son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into
it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will
spare me the pain."
"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"
"No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't
told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it
for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an
appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."
"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down.
Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off
seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and
break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."
A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells
him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they
and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.
"Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone,
but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."
Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to
his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but what are we going to
do next Yom Tov to get them to come down?"
--------
A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by
buying
her a bra. He entered a ladies shop rather intimidated, but the girls
took
charge to help him.
"What color?" they asked. He settled for white.
"How much does it cost?" he asked. "Twenty dollars." "Very good," he
thought. All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest
idea.
"Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits?
Oranges?"
"No," he said, "nothing like that."
"Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust
resembles."
He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, "Have you ever
seen
a Spaniel's ears?"
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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