Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her
right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says,
"Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
She says, "Why, officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says,
"OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
---------------
WHAT'S IN A LETTER?
1. HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? - Can you drive a French motorcycle?
2. IDIOS AMIGOS - We're wild and crazy guys!
3. VENI, VIPI, VICI - I came, I'm a very important person, I
conquered.
4. COGITO, EGGO SUM - I think; therefore I am a waffle.
5. RIGOR MORRIS - The cat is dead.
6. RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID - Honk if you're Scottish.
7. QUE SERA SERF - Life is feudal
8. LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI - The king is dead. No kidding.
9. POSH MORTEM - Death styles of the rich and famous
10. PRO BOZO PUBLICO - Support your local clown.
11. MONAGE A TROIS - I am three years old.
12. FELIX NAVIDAD - Our cat has a boat.
13. HASTE CUISINE - Fast French food
14. VENI, VIDI, VICE - I came, I saw, I partied.
15. QUIP PRO QUO - A fast retort
16. MAZEL TON - Tons of luck
17. APRES MOE LE DELUGE - Larry and Curly got wet.
18. PORTE-KOCHERE - Sacramental wine
19. ICH LIEBE RICH - I'm really crazy about having dough.
20. FUI GENERIS - What's mine is mine.
21. VISA LA FRANCE - Don't leave your chateau without it.
22. CA VA SANS DIRT - And that's not gossip.
23. MERCI RIEN - Thanks for nothing!
24. AMICUS PURIAE - A Platonic friend
25. L'ETAT, C'EST MOO - I'm bossy around here.
25. COGITO, ERGO SPUD - I think, therefore I Yam.
27. MARCI BEAUCOUP - Marci has just been sick!
-----------
"Interactive Taxes Software"
Hello! Welcome to Taxtime, your Interactive Tax Preparer Program.
Do you feel like doing your taxes today?
I see. Well, don't you think you should do them anyway? After
all, it is April 9th. You have less than 7 days to file. And who
knows? Maybe you'll get a refund.
That's the spirit! Let's begin with your name, address, and
marital status.
Sorry to hear about the divorce. But don't let it get you down --
That alimony deduction will come in mighty handy in these tough
financial times!
Please don't cry. The economy's bound to bounce back. In the
meantime, let's talk about dependents. Do you have any children?
Wow! I hope they're not all in college. Do you have any other
dependents?
Sorry. You can't deduct your dog, even if she is your only friend.
I agree. The IRS is unreasonable. But let's move on to income.
What were your wages in 1997?
You are having a bad go of it, aren't you? But at least you're
getting the Unemployment Benefits max.
I'm afraid your Unemployment Benefits are taxable. The
government giveth and the government taketh away. Hey, don't
blame me! I'm just the messenger.
Anyway, did you have any interest or dividend income or capital
gains?
Your spouse got everything, huh? Well, look on the bright side.
If you don't earn it, they can't make you pay taxes on it.
Please don't exit. It was just a joke. I don't suppose you were able
to sock anything away into an IRA? I didn't mean to insult you; I'm
just doing my job. They make me ask about IRAs and Keogh Plans too.
Okay, okay. I get the point. You're broke. So let's go over your
deductions and see about getting you a healthy refund. And
speaking about health, I need a complete list of your non-reimbursed
medical expenses.
That's great -- a fractured sacroiliac. And your income was so low
that most of it will be deductible! Let's move on to your state income
taxes and real estate taxes.
Boy, those state taxes can really take a bite, eh? But that huge
mortgage tax deduction should really increase your refund. What?
You had to sell the house to pay for the divorce? What a shame.
But I thought you said you didn't have any capital gains.
You sold it at a loss? Really? So tell me -- Do you think housing
is going to drop any further? One of my other users is looking to buy.
You're absolutely right. That was a selfish and thoughtless thing
to say. I'm a new program, and I guess they haven't gotten all the
bugs out.
Let's go back to your deductions. What did you pay in mortgage
interest?
I'm afraid deducting credit card interest is a major no-no. But you
may want to consider our Interactive Bankruptcy Software!
Hey, now. Don't get your nose out of joint. It was just a suggestion.
Anyway, it's time to list your charitable contributions. I know you
can't afford them, but list a couple hundred in cash anyway.
Everybody does it, and it's impossible to check.
Good. Now I'm almost afraid to ask, but did you suffer any
unreimbursed casualty or theft losses last year?
That's pretty much what I expected. Just give me the numbers
and I'll take it from there.
Is there anything else you want to tell me?
I'm sorry, I don't really have time to listen about your divorce
anymore. What I meant was, did you have any other income or
expenses? Fine. Now why don't you rest for a second, so I can
do some quick calculations.
I have good news. You're entitled to a $157 refund. Would you like
to apply it to your 1998 tax?
I beg your pardon? They don't pay me enough to listen to that
kind of language!
--------------
If you are considering doing some camping this Spring and
Summer, please note the following public service
announcement:
In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their
clothing when hiking in bear country.
The bells warn away MOST bears (grizzly, black, etc.) but be
careful because they don't scare Kodiak/brown bears.
Tourists are cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying
particular attention to bear droppings to be alert for the
presence of Kodiak/brown bears.
One can easily spot a Kodiak/brown bear's droppings. Those
are the droppings that contain those tiny bells.
-----------
he World's Shortest Books...
25. "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by OJ Simpson
24. "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres
23. "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton
22. The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
21. Human Rights Advances in China
20. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
19. Al Gore: The Wild Years
18. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
17. America's Most Popular Lawyers
16. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
15. Detroit - A Travel Guide
14. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
12. Easy UNIX
11. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
10. Everything Men Know About Women
9. Everything Women Know About Men
8. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
7. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
6. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
3. Staple Your Way to Success
2. The Amish Phone Directory
And the #1 World's Shortest Book:
1. French Hospitality
---------
Max, the schlemiel, can't find a job. He finally applies for
a job as a janitor at the Catholic Church. They decide to give him a
trial run and see what it is like for a Jewish man to work here. After
a week, he is told, "Max, things are working out fine. I just have a
few corrections. First, when you wash your hands, use the bathroom,
don't use the holy water. Second, when you hang your coat up, use the
cloakroom, do not hang it on the cross. Third, my name is Mother
Superior, not Mother Shapiro!"
------------
The Top 16 Rejected Motel 6 Slogans
16> We're working on that smell thing, too.
15> Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.
14> As seen on "COPS"
13> If We'd Known You Were Staying All Night, We'd Have
Changed the Sheets
12> Not just for nooners anymore.
11> We left off the 9, but you know it's there.
10> You rented the room, now buy the video.
9> Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you
wouldn't have money left over for a hooker.
8> We'll leave the Lysol for ya!
7> Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try bringing your
secretary there on *your* salary, pal!
6> We don't make the adultery. We make the adultery *better*
5> It's Hookerriffic!
4> Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins
3> Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art
since 1962!
2> Cheap and Easy -- Just Like Your Mother
and the Number 1 Rejected Motel 6 Slogan...
1> We put the "Ho" in "Motel"
-------
Kids Say......
"In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating
the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
"The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble
with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like
Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles."
"Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread,
which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went
up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments."
The first commandement was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The
fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh
commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery."
"Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews
in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when
Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him."
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. he fought with the
Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines." "When
Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta."
"When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus
in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate
contraption.
St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head."
"Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before
they do one to you. He also explained, 'a man doth not live by sweat
alone.'"
"It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the
tombstone off the entrance."
"The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels."
"The epistles were the wives of the apostles."
"One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan."
"St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is
another name for marriage."
"A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony."
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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