Sue Hartigan <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> writes:
THE WORLD's 20 SHORTEST BOOKS
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20. "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton
19. "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by OJ Simpson
18. Human Rights Advances in China
17. America's Most Popular Lawyers
16. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
15. Detroit - A Travel Guide
14. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
12. Easy UNIX
11. Al Gore: The Wild Years
10. Everything Men Know About Women
9. Everything Women Know About Men
8. French Hospitality
7. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
6. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
5. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
3. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
2. The Amish Phone Directory
And the number one World's Shortest Book:
1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
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The Top 16 Signs of Trouble During Your Final Exam
16> In the hope of extra credit, you color in the center of every
e, o, p, q, d and b in different jaunty colours.
15> Teacher enters room to the sound of the SNAP of a latex
glove.
14> You're naked, you can't find the room, you don't know the
subject and pinching yourself is starting to leave welts.
13> The BAD news: Your Blue Book has no trig calculations at all.
The GOOD news: It says your '83 Civic is worth over $750.
12> Crammed all night for French History, but today's final is
actually Chemistry, and "Napolium" isn't really an element.
11> Even though you're female, 5' 2", and weigh 105 lbs, the
instructor takes one glance at your paper and asks if you're
on the varsity football team.
10> Your teacher keeps interrupting with requests to have another
baby with you.
9> Either (a) you're still feeling the effects of those
'shrooms; or (b) Cindy Crawford is sitting across from you,
wearing only a black leather apron and stiletto heels.
8> Although sounding good then, your plan to bong hit your way
back through time didn't quite work.
7> The Good News: You just successfully regurgitated everything
you studied into your Blue Book. The Bad News: The only
thing you studied last night was beer and pizza.
6> During your oral exam, Professor Trebek keeps screaming, "No!
You didn't answer in the form of a QUESTION!"
5> The guy you've been copying from just shot himself.
4> After wiping your sweaty brow with your palm, you are now the
unwitting owner have of one very inky forehead.
3> All your carefully written crib notes are now completely
obscured due to last night's drunken Mehndi session.
2> Getting "Breakfast at Tiffany's" out of your head by humming
"The Girl from Ipanema" all morning *seemed* like a good idea
at the time.
and Top5's Number 1 Sign of Trouble During Your Final Exam...
1> Thanks to your dog, *all* of the pencils in your book bag
are now "Number 2" pencils.
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A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the
window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type,
must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal
Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the
sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged
his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The
office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the
least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into
the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the
manager.
The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able
to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded
to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over
to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have
to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to
the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect
program, that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at
the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog
and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't
give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his
paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity
Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that
you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"
------
Knew a girl at work once who was truly concerned about her
husband's smoking. She told me that she had finally gotten
him to agree to limit his smoking at home to only those times
when they had finished making love. She had gotten the idea
from a classic movie they had both see on TV called "Cold
Turkey".
After about a week, I asked her how it was going.
"Well, not too bad." she said, getting up off of a pillow she had
in her chair and limping towards the photocopy machine. "I've
gotten him down to about a pack a night now."
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One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the
unemployment office to hire someone for the day. When he
arrived, they didn't have any painters available, but they did have
a gynecologist there. He reluctantly took him along to help.
A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the
unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time
there were two painters there, but instead he asked for the
gynecologist again.
The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when we
have two professional painters you can take right now?"
He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we
arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But
I'll be damned if that gynecologist didn't stick his hand through
the mail slot and paint the whole house!!"
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S M A R T L A W Y E R C O M E S U N S T U C K
A criminal lawyer was making the closing argument for a client accused
of murder. The case was a particularly difficult one since the body of
the victim hadn't been located. As a final gesture the lawyer
dramatically turned to the courtroom's clock and announced, "Ladies
and gentlemen of the jury, I have some astounding news for you. The
supposed victim of this murder is in fact alive! In just ten seconds,
she will walk through the door of this courtroom." Silence immediately
fell over the courtroom as everyone turned their gaze to the door and
waited for the dramatic entry. But nothing happened.
Having made his point the smirking lawyer turned to the jury. "The
mere fact that you were watching the door, expecting the victim to
walk into this courtroom is clear enough proof that you have far more
than a reasonable doubt as to whether a murder was committed. I rest
my case. My client should be acquitted"
The jury was given final instructions, filed out - and then returned
within ten minutes with a guilty verdict! When the judge brought the
proceedings to an end, the dismayed lawyer chased after the jury
foreman: "Guilty? How could you convict? You were all watching the
door!" "Ah yes," said the foreman, "but one of us was watching the
defendant, and he wasn't watching the door."
---------
The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant named Calle who has a chronic
illness, requiring medication. The zoo people couldn't get Calle to
take her dose orally, so a California pharmacologist developed a
suppository. The 10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are
crafted by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame.
Administering the DAILY medication takes five zoo workers, including
one person to distract Calle with treats and one person who wears a
full-arm glove.
Why am I telling you this????
Just think -
FIVE people have jobs worse than yours!
Now stop bitching and get back to work.
--------
This is a list of the ways that my professors at
Arizona State University grade their final exams:
Dept Of Statistics:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
Dept Of Psychology:
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books,
close them and turn them in. The professor opens the
books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
Dept Of History:
All students get the same grade they got last year.
Dept Of Religion:
Grade is determined by God.
Dept Of Philosophy:
What is a grade?
English Dept.:
Your final exam will be scored by totaling the weight
of all the books you read this semester:
40+ pounds - A
30 pounds - B
20 pounds - C
10 pounds - D
<10 pounds - F
Law School:
Students are asked to defend their
position of why they should receive an A.
Dept Of Mathematics:
Grades are variable.
Dept. Of Physics:
Grades are relative. but...
All theoretical physics is really mathematics. See Above.
Dept. Of Chemistry:
All theoretical chemistry is really physics. See Above.
Dept. Of Biology:
All theoretical biology is really chemistry. See Above.
Dept Of Logic:
If and only if
the student is present for the final
and
the student has accumulated a passing grade
then
the student will receive an A
else
the student will not receive an A.
Dept. Of Marxist Studies:
The history of all hitherto existing society is the history
of class struggles. Therefore, everyone will now get the
same grade!
Dept. Of Economics:
All of your grades, as a collection, will reach the level
where your marginal product (MP) of labor for each individual
grade is equal.
Dept. Of Operations & Logistics Management:
Grades will be posted *at* 12:00 Noon.
NOT 11:59 -- NOT 12:01
Dept Of Computer Science:
Random number generator determines grade, but...
YOUR grade is an object in a class of its own.
Music Department:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the
instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be
sharp and flat respectively).
--
Two rules in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.
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